Widening my Bereavement support - Way-Up

Oh Nellie, I so hate weekends. Used to look forward to them and now I dread them. I ate, read, ate and ate a bit more, then watched tv til 1am! I have no structure to my days, I've even offered to work which was astonishing to my boss as I've always refused Saturday.

Saturday was 'our' day. It always involved some sort of meal out, (breakfast or dinner) and some form of shopping (hubby was a shopaholic) and maybe a nice walk through woods with dog if weather was good. Now I just wonder around doing a few jobs, walking the dog and feeling very sad and lonely.

I do have a lot of friends but they all have husbands and although they invite me, I don't like to intrude on precious family time. My family live miles away so can't visit them. 

I do have teenagers at home to cook for but they very rarely eat with me, always too busy or in a rush to get somewhere.

I miss just sitting chatting over a nice meal with a nice glass of wine. Simple pleasures....

Ali x

Hi lizzy 

I joined the way up group I don’t go on their much yes you are right there is a lot of older people on the site May be when they start meeting up I will go to one of the meeting  I’m going to be boring today And go fishing lol 

have a good day take care 

Martin x

Hi Ali and Nellie 

I know the feeling I use to be so busy now I can’t be asked I don’t eat do much now stopped eating chocolate now  if had a drink I would not stop  the past taught happiness is not in the end of a bottle I tried that  

suppose we all want to find the peace inside ourselves even thou are brains are in over drive 

have good day take care 

martin x

Hi Martin,

Enjoy your fishing today, it's good to get out in the fresh air, bit windy today though!

I don't drink at the moment either Martin as I know if I opened a bottle I'd finish it and then wouldn't sleep and I'd get weepy, feeling sorry for myself, so end up feeling worse.

Have a good day 

Ali x

Hi Ali 

thank you it is nice out bit of wind bit of sun I got lazy not been fishing been sitting in front of tv like a veg so making the effort to try and go every couple of weeks now 

the feeling sorry for myself I know I’m like it to I can’t be asked to eat sometimes had sandwich when I got home the other nite  but yesterday cooked shepherds pie for dinner and Iceland do some nice ready meals lol 

take care 

Martin x 

Nellie

The old solitary eating sucks big time, either at home or out, I've eaten out a few times solo and they always look over your shoulder for your other half. Cooking also isn't much fun, you cook and then eat and you have to wash up as well!

I'm glad you found the energy to behave badly Friday and I'm sure you're well within your time threshold for behaving ridiculously and no one can get grumpy about it.. (I think the thresholds are different here, I think the neighbours are a bit worried im not married by now!)

Is there a time threshold where our status as bereavers is no longer valid for public shows of crazy shit?

 I was told that people might be understanding or more lenient for a year.I guess they get fed up by them.

I am going to ask for an extension as Covid has severely limited my opportunities to be socially disgraceful. 

Nellie, tolerance is often a lot shorter than a year! Many ideas of bereavement, esp. if age  is part of it affect reactions. They rarely think of the horrid journey to the death, they think is 'the end' & finances. They forget too that other crises still happen. I had cancer, 6 deaths (inc hubby & grandson) & family rift 2019. Had give up our home of 30 yrs, lost most of life savings, health, job etc,  but patience wear thin no matter what. So come smothered (or even open) yawns.Have they priced funerals lately too, never mind emotions & practicalities. I used to think you could compare loss of a soulmate to parent (one died on me), so I was numb when I found it was incomparable. Each is profound but so different & individual. I felt so guilty  about own past efforts to support friends: it was appalling! I had no clue how stupid, futile & inappropriate my efforts were...& worse, stopped trying.So I sort of get where most come from. They think counselling or tablets are cures...one made me relive things on a loop making  nightmares & flashbacks worse, tuther took 'me' away.  Don't expect Covid 'allowance' much beyond funeral....its done...except on here and you can contact me anytime. xxxx

Darkhorse - your wisdom noted and testament to your strength, given what you have been through. I think people were probably  yawning even before my partners death  " what is is still alive after a year ? " and one friend (the very practical one, emotional vacuum) even said cheerily  " oh well it wont be long now". 

I think at t the moment I do still  have some sympathetic looks as I have mother with dementia   who forgets my partner is dead " is he in the car "   and ongoing crisis work, suicide attempts police  with my brothers and no other family.   I got  tripped up on a form. not only the Widow word, but I have no next of kin to put down as emergency contact - Puddle of self pity to fall in there. I get my friends back by putting them down. 

I spend a lot of time not talking about my partners death or how it is to be alone with friends. But I will speed up the bad behaviour as I think maybe I have overestimated how much leeway I get.  

I am 18 weeks in and notice how it all chops and changes. A post on another thread with the poems said "weather the storm, don't be the storm" - I am trying........but maybe feeling a bit mini tornado at the the moment. 

Good point about now knowing how to be a better friend and support when friends become A Lone., having been through it.   --  I  like that as being a friend and having friends is very important to me. 

bad days? Nellie?

I get times where I think I'm doing great and then whack! I'm not doing great, off to Drs this morning as the old BP has gone up to a dodgy level, first time at the docs for about 7 years! That's given me a bit of a scare..

I think in your situation you can give yourself a break and those who give a shit about you can also,those who don't well WTF!