Compelled to write everything down

I am so sorry for your loss and it sounds as if you didnt have much time to prepare yourself for his loss .I dont think anyone can tell how they will.be when they lose someone grief is specific to everyone .At the moment I am angry at the cancer that over 4 years robbed my Billy of his life .I also want to get in a time machine go back to the first day we met and start again and live our lives together all over again .Thats kind of the same as your diary its what we need to do at the moment .Only someone who is going through this can ever understand and support it will take you as long as it takes and there is no way anyone will be able to say how long that is .A lot of it is adapting and that takes time .Keep posting Im finding this group comforting as I just feel understood .lots of hugs xx

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss and the terrible grief you are feeling. It is truly heartbreaking.

My husband was 5 months from diagnosis to death, all the time being told he would be ok until the week before he died, truly shocking is the only way I can describe it. I am 6 months in now and I think your brain takes a while to process it all.

I went through photos and wrote on the back where and when they were taken in case I forgot, but we were together 37 years so there is stuff I'd already forgotten I suppose. It's the future that breaks my heart, he was only 56 we had so many plans and now I'm alone, it is very frightening.

People telling you it isn't healthy isn't helpful as you have to do what is right for you and if it helps you in any way then that's fine. We have to try to muddle through this awful grief as best we can. Only someone who has been through it can understand the utter devastation you are feeling.  I believe some people do find it helpful to write things down, especially how you are feeling as you can look back and see how much you are improving.

There is nothing I can say to take the pain away but what I can tell you is that it does get easier with time.

Most people on this site seem to agree that keeping busy is good, gives you something else to focus on and distracts you for a little while. I know when I went back to work it helped as I felt "normal" for a few hours everyday.

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself. 

Ali x

Thank you Granny Sue x

Hi Ali. Sorry for your loss. It is helpful to hear that I am not alone. Bill was only 64 and although we crammed as much as we could into the 11years, like you we still had so much we planned to do. I am 60 in a fe weeks and he had planned a surprise trip to Nashville for me. We had just finished our house as well, and were looking forward to enjoying it. Now I am stuck in this house alone and it’s now too big for me. 
I’m glad you found comfort in your old photos and that it does get easier. As for work, I just don’t have the heart for it yet and have even talked about leaving and getting a wee job in a cafe or shop, anything less stressful. 
I know it’s early days but I am heartbroken and alone and I hate being on my own. This virus hasn’t helped. 
Thank you 

Shonzie60 - Share some similarities with you , I am 16 weeks in from partners death and  a 19 year relationship and we had a rush job wedding, it would have been two years this week. Pants. 

Friends who tell you what to do, think and how you should feel and what they think is best.  Hmmmm...........my polite answer is step away and thank them but do your own thing and keep away from them.  My less polite feeling is to tell them to bog off. 

I completely get the need to revisit the entire relationship and not to feel that any of it will get lost.  Writing helped me. I even wrote a letter to my partner telling him about the funeral because I did not want to forget it. . I have photos of the funeral, him ill and then go backwards. I need all of them to make it real. 

The thing for me with losing a partner is that we are left as the sole custodians of what was a relationship between two. No one else will ever know the intimacy side, the in-jokes, the catch phrases, the irritations,  and all the tiny tiny events that made up The Relationship. That was yours and not for anyone else to give you advice on how to mourn the loss of the relationship.  They weren't there.  

So,  I am cross with your friends on your behalf.......and have been cross with my own, but they are not in my shoes and I have had to learn how to tell people what helps and what is less helpful and stay relatively polite. 

Managing others can be exhausting. 

Hi NettieJ. I am so sorry you lost your husband too. Life can be so cruel and with Covid on top of everything else it has made it doubly hard for us all. Thank you for the advice and I do know they mean well but just have no idea what it’s like to lose a husband let along one who is too young to die as well as newly married. 
I miss him so much as will you and I do get that nobody but you two knew the intimacy of the relationship. I can’t even comprehend life on my own. That’s not the way we were supposed to live, it was supposed to be the two of us. I like you, have to live in this house and all the memories associated with it. My stepson asked if I would move to make it easier for me. Again he hasn’t a clue. 
please take care and here to bounce off of anytime. 

Hi Shonzie60

I am sorry for your loss, it’s a terrible and cruel I lost my husband he only had five weeks from the time we found out until he died, the shock of it all is awful. The trouble is people try to fix us, but you can’t fix this pain, as others have said we learn to live with it. My husband past 12 weeks ago and I write little letters to him of how I’m feeling, I find it helps me, he was only 58 it would have been our 40th wedding anniversary this month 21st June. 

Take care 

mandy xx 

Billy was 62 our 40th wedding anniversary should have been on 28th June his 63rd birthday 29th June.We had been planning a little party for Family and friends not looking forward to those dates but I am going to dig out the photo albums and remember how young and innocent we were .I will be thinking of you Mandy on the 21st lots if hugs xx

Thank you Sue, these dates will be difficult, I will be thinking of you to,

lots of hugs 

Mandy xxx

Hi Mandy. So sorry for your loss. They have all been taken too young. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said people try and fix us. It’s like they can’t bear to see us upset so will do or say anything to make us better. I really wish it was that simple. I am distraught as have lost Bills phone. It has been in the house all of the 15wks but I took it out last Sat to use his points to buy a drive through Costa. I have looked everywhere and can’t find it. I know it’s just a phone but it was his and it’s heartbreaking. 

You take care and we’re hear for you 

Shona x