Just ramblings

Geoff.

It's awful isn't it. The pain never goes. Here I am awake again and thoughts going round and round. This 'life' just goes on relentlessly with little relief.  I don't have any wise words but just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Take care.

I wrote this not too long ago:

Loneliness
You shadow me when I walk in the daytime
And you slip between the sheets when I lie in bed at night.
Your name is on my lips when I cry
And you lurk in the recesses of my heart even as I laugh
I know your complexion and your moods.
When he died, you came into my life
And you will stay to fill me with your emptiness.

Sort of echoes what you say, Geoff, and what others have said elsewhere. I, too, drink a little too much. Must have beer or some wine in the evening. What was important to me before is no longer so and I realise I no longer know what I want for myself. I thought I wanted to find  a particular type of teaching job for when I return to France but now I'm not so sure. The thought of taking up the job I found fills me with anguish and deep sense of ennui. I envision myself drifting around faceless in a huge university when all I want is to be enclosed in a bubble in a  small structure.I would so like to get a job in one of the overseas départements and lead a quiet life.

When I go back to France in July, I'll be faced with the chore of sorting through our possessions that we left in storage: our books, paintings, furniture and even some items of clothing. Seeing those things again will be both comforting and devastating - devastating because I'll probably have to decide what to do with some of Gilles' things as I imagine I'll be moving into a smaller place and won't have room for everything. Some people may think that I should see this as a fresh start but I see it as going back to Gilles' country, Gilles' home, without him. Apart from a few friends, I have no-one there but that's where I have my job. I've said these things before on the forum but it's all drawing near and the reality of it is scary.

Yesterday I spent a large part of the day with a friend, then was unexpectedly invited over to have dinner with some colleagues. My day was filled with good company but here I am on my own again. I'm tired and weary. Some of you here are so positive. I think I hoped and believed so much, against all odds, in a recovery, that for the moment it's hard for me to truly hope again. I miss him so much.

Dear limbo

I truly love your heart felt verse. It strikes at the very heart of bereavement: my bereavement. I can feel your anxiety about the move. Goodness its hard enough starting a new position when all is going well but to add to this your move to another country taking with you the sad burden of grief for your dear Giles to me is unimaginable. You may not know this but you are being so brave and very strong indeed.  From the very bottom of my heart I wish you all the success in the world. And may that  world be kind to you and the memories of your loving Giles give you strength to strive foreward.

Love and Light 

Geoff x

I have just read your post and know what you mean about the house been so lonely and lifeless,It’s just over eighteen months since I lost Alan to pancreatic cancer and to everyone I seem to coping.But like yourself it’s just a false face,behind closed doors it’s a different matter.I to had some counselling but did little to help,We were married for 52 years and it just feels like part of me is missing.Ive sorted some of his clothes out but now they are in bags I just can’t do the final thing and let them go.Im glad you have good neighbours at least you have company if needed,not that it make it losing your wife any better but it’s good to know you have friends.I have newish neighbours,from hell.so that is not helping me.like yourself I’m in my 70s, so just plod along day to day.Even his beloved garden is been neglected because I can’t keep up with it even tho I try,and so that makes mefeel guilty because Alan loved his garden,He actually won competitions for it. Hope today is a better day for you Geoff tho it’s so hard I know,Hope you don’t mind me rambling on,it’s just reading your post sounded so similar how I feel about life now.Take care......Val.

Thanks for your kind words that moved me to tears, Geoff.

Dear Val 

Please ramble away Val. That's what our site is all about my friend. My garden too is looking wild to say the least. I used to grow veg for my Anne but since she passed I've grassed  the plot over. Lost all interest. I do my best to keep the garden tidy but  only do what has to be done because its nothing other than a chore these days like everything else that needs doing - like in the house. I too  lost my Anne to pancreatic cancer Val. The oncologist/surgeon  offered all kinds of bullshit treatment but Anne knew this type of cancer can't be cured. It's all about extending victims lives by a few years during which time their quality of life is rubbish. So Anne said "I just want nature to take its course.' A very strong and courageous lady who had my full support. At our age Val we've lived almost a full life time with our precious loved one and so for us to make a new start in life  is a complete nonsense. Contact me any time Val. 

Lovevand Light 

Geoff x