After end of chemo, lung cancer surged back and killed my lovely H, age 65. Early April. He was admitted to hospice 2 days before he died. Neither he nor I realised that the tummy swelling and ankle swelling and extreme sleepiness were signs of end of life. We thought the fatigue was just post chemo. Looking back...I don’t know why we didn’t clock it. I did realise this was a new phase but I did not understand that the changes would accelerate so very fast.
His last day conscious before dying was grumpy and odd. He was badly disturbed the following night and died the next day . Myself and our boys were there as closely as covid restrictions allowed. I feel endlessly worried about his distress that last night. I know he had not accepted he was about to die, on the previous day. Was he frightened? Obviously there’s nothing I can do about it, but how to come to terms with this worry ?
i tried asking the hospice for more information from doctors’ notes but there is no evidence in there that anyone comforted him
Grief is so overwhelming: I had no idea. I am trying to return to my technical lonely work but it’s too difficult to concentrate. I’d much prefer to be doing something easier and with other people around.
Hi Martin
You are doing well. You sound lonely at times and I get the keeping busy. I try and do that. That is why I find work hard now we have been redeployed because of covid as it is just not busy!!! I really want my old job again. I am also doing basic hours and was doing a lot of overtime!
With covid some of the things we were looking forward to have been taken away like holidays and seeing friends and with the loss of our loved partners our goals
and dreams.
Like Diane, Ric had had rocky times with his children over the last 10 years and I involved them in the funeral, he had just made things better between them. His older daughter keeps asking what I am doing with his ashes and she wants to come. I want to go alone. I feel I have been their support and now it is my time to say final goodbyes but not able to say it yet. I looked after him and protected him and dealt with all his demons, noone else. At the end of the day, hard as it is her children are not really your responsibility. Unfortunately I found a few things out about Ric that I would rather not know but I think we all have things in our past that we like to keep hidden as a protective thing, not that we are lying to anyone other than ourselves. My dad is the one person who I trust but my mum knows little because she doesn't understand and gossips!
Look after yourself and don't let anyone drag you down.
Love and hugs Alison xxx
