Feeling irritable

Hi Alison sorry for your loss its just so sad everyone on here gets the crabby s we are in some god dam awful world sometimes and our hearts are fragile and broke just now. I Hope your work situation improves soon eh and you feel not so crabby . I've still got my Angels ashes at home ,but was cuddling them today and cried my eyes out. I'm sure ric is so proud. Stay well and god bless .

Sounds pretty normal to me, I'm ex forces and when we were out 'playing war' it was a case of sitting around sometimes for days on end, I hated it, I'd clean things volunteer to make food etc... The others seemed to see me as the guy who could give them a cushy time.

I think Pro active people like yourself (I'm assuming apologies if I'm way off) need to have a sense of achievement and purpose.

If you want Hubby around for a bit longer then why not? I think it might not be so good to give deadlines for sending him on his way, but I know what you mean about closure..

(Carla is being cremated on Thursday and I have to go to the funeral guy tomorrow and make sure it's all OK and I'm really not looking forward to it!)

Thank you both,

Yes you are right, I have always been a doer. I can't stand laziness and even though we have little work, a colleague was bone idle today! I had a very sore tongue! Biting it! 

It seems so long that Ric has sat waiting so a big part of me wants to set him free! It was a promise but that little part of me wants to keep him. I have a few ashes in the garden with his dog tags and a special necklace so I do have him really and they were put there at the right time! 

It is probably just me being frustrated and a drive would do me good as one I hate being in the house all the time anyway and two driving relieves my stress.

I have had a glass of wine to relax tonight! Trying not to drink in the week as I am getting a little rounder! Lol

You will be fine tomorrow, Carla would be proud of you.

Love and hugs Alison 

It will be a strange cremation on Thursday some distant Italian family have offered to pop along but to be honest as ludicrous as it sounds I'd rather do it alone.

Your guy was ex forces too? I'm a war pensioner (gammy leg and a few dents)

Hi Alison,

I made the decision to bring my Bob's ashes home when I was adamant I wasn't going to. When lockdown began I wanted to isolate with him and it was the best decision I have made. I cuddle his ashes every night and it gives me great comfort so much so that i'm wondering if I will be able to let him go free which was my plan when this lockdown is over.

On a bad day I sit in bed with his ashes, photo albums, his shirt that I sleep with and a special photo of him and I sob and sob. It's 16 weeks since I lost him. I've been furloughed and isolated all alone unable to see my children and grandchildren and no idea how I've got through this without loosing the plot. Some days I think this isolation has helped me with the grieving as I've had no distractions so been able to fully grieve but i'm now geiting to the point where my house is my safe place and I think when we can all start returning to normaI might find it hard to adjust to the real world! Can't win either way.

Jesus this is a roller coaster of a ride that i don't want to be on. Nothing means anything to me at the moment i try and keep structured and busy, i run everyday i've decorated (This was a fisrt ever for me and i have to admit i'm quite good at it) i've also had to do the gardening to keep my Bobs beautiful garden as he would want it. It's the thought of being responsible for everything for the rest of my life that scares me and i don't want to do it alone.

Ontop of all this i have to deal with financial issues as we had no mortgage protection or life insurance so i've gone from having 2 salaries to just me being responsible for all the household bills and this adds to my fears for the future. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but of course no one plans for their loved one's to get this terrible disease that takes them so very quickly when they are fit and healthy one minuite and no longer with us another.

Sorry for the rant but it's how i feel and i know i can express my feelings on here without being judged.

Sheila

Wow Sheila

You make me sound like a cold hearted swine! Although we had talked about the 'future' and Carla was insistent my life as I wanted it to should go on.

Maybe we deal with this differently and I hope things get better for you..

MCC

You are not cold hearted MCC. You are probably still a little in shock even if you were expecting it. 

Shelia we are at similar points time wise, I wasn't going to have Ric's ashes until the last minute but ended up bringing home when I paid the funeral bill. At first it was strange. Now it is like he is home. I don't think I can keep him forever because I know he has gone really and now he is my memories along with his things. I have a lot of both. He is also the changes in me since I met him..

I think it is lockdown that has altered my grieving. I was doing ok until then. But now because of this, Ric wasn't set free at the right time and I haven't or won't be able to do some things, like finishing my garden, waiting for dad to build an arbour and going to Italy on holiday, Hannah's prom and it was all things Ric wanted too!!! I guess I feel I have been denied these things. 

I might go for a walk along the canal today. We had a favourite part. You have to drive there. It may help to clear my head and will certainly help with my weight gain which I am finding a battle too!!! I am not even bothering with myself as I used to! Not dressing as nicely, less make up, even got grey and roots! This is not me but lockdown is making me lazy! No one to see me! I think Ric would be disappointed. 

Perhaps I am at any angry stage!!! The inquest date is soon. I have tried to put it out of my mind but I can't really.i don't have to go but wrote the statement. I am trying to say it doesn't matter but it does really to me! Perhaps when that is done I can say goodbye properly. 

Shelia I think you are doing ok but it does feel like we are muddling on doesn't it.

Love and hugs Alison xxx

I try to keep a perspective and the news from Afghanistan yesterday certainly did that, in spite of my loss and personal anguish. I am mourning a 62 year old mother of two and granny of 4 who spent 2017 and 18 doing what she loves best. (Beach, swimming, visiting historical Italian cities and eating seafood in beach restaurants)

We spent from April to November in 2017 just doing beaches maybe 5 6 days a week! 

I have been for a drive to the country side and had a bit of a picnic with Hannah. We drove to my dad's old place and round in a circular route. Just having a drive which relieves my stress and some fresh air has made a huge difference!!! It is my normal!!! 

I never really saw anyone else about so no fears to safety. Not that I am scared anyway!!! 

It really was a tonic. Now to cook a roast as I didn't bother on Sunday and a tiny bit of ironing! 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Good for you! Fantastic.

I must get out and about maybe after tomorrow, the scenery here is just unbelievable! Mountains ring the house and there are footpaths everywhere, now the bars a re opening I will get walking again before my knee seizes up again!