Lost my partner today

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband too died of lung cancer at Christmas.

Don't be hard on yourself. It is a huge hole when you loose your loved one and you don't know what to do. There is no right or wrong. I sat up all night and even tried a few times to make me sleep! It didn't work, I fell asleep for an hour in the chair.. I think I was too shocked and even afraid to sleep. I hoped it hadn't happened. 

The next day I just sat, drinking coffee and talking to his friends on the phone. My children looked after me. I cried buckets. 

Then the next day, I got up, bathed, put my make up on and faced it all.. I wanted to prove I was ok.

And so it goes on, great and positive one day and crap another. You do as you wish and what you want. Post here, it helps me.

Take care stay safe.

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss too, life can be horrible sometimes. I felt as time went on that I was prepared for the worst, but ah, I wasn't. Carla had been ill before (heart surgery and thyroid)

I know if I keep busy things will be better but there's a small part of me that wants or needs to feel bad, like any couple we argued and sulked and now I just see that as wasted time.

So like you I shall give myself a day or two, get bathed and get ready (I'll not bother with the make up!)

Thank you for the kind words..

Dear mccmc.

For quite a while you will be in a kind of denial.  It's a natural  part of grieving. And so you might find yourself very busy re arranging things in your home. Maybe ordering new  things on line? I know I did but thank goodness they were house hold items. So be care full. We are all very vulnerable at that time in our grief. And its therapeutic to talk to your lost love one. I still do 9 months on. And yes, flash backs will occur as I've had when I saw my beloved take her last breath. Easy does it with lots of crying before peace finally reveals itself in all its wisdom .

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Thank you Geoff, it's been a hard short road and I know the terrain will be the same for a long time, now I have decided to do three or four tasks a day and see what else the day brings...

Ill take recovery in increments but I still don't really want to feel any better at all at the moment.

I talk to Carla all the time out loud, but I've always been a talker to myself, keeps the noise inside my head abated. 

I fully understand your comment about changing things around the house, I don't think I'm driving Carla out but I don't want to have a shrine for her..

Not sure about online purchases I might order some Marmite. (i'm in Italy and you can't get it here)

Dear mccmcc

You are doing well.

As my Anne always said after she was given her fatal prognosis. "  I'll take one day at a time. And you should as well Geoff" So I try.  But there is a part if me like you that doesn't want to feel any better. Yet I do feel better but in a strange mellow way. It's hard to explain my friend.

Love and Light 

 Geoff x

Apologies Geoff I lost some of my post and re edited it!

Sadly we didn't get any time for reflection, Carla went in to hospital feeling very unwell cancer recurrence un-diagnosed she soon stopped using her phone (she had simply become Unable to use it) and I got the dreaded phone call a fortnight later, by the time I had cleared screening to be with her for her last few days she was very ill and getting unresponsive, I stayed with her until the end and those 5 days are burned into my psyche forever...

mccmcc 

YES.  Those five days will remain burned into your psyche forever my friend. In different ways do our feelings return  when we think back then forward differently as time passes. And yet we survive our current feelings. Why should that be?  

Love and Light 

Geoff x 

Hi mccmcc

I am so sorry for your loss, it’s very, very early days.

You will be going through all sorts of emotions and it will feel very raw for a good while.

Everyone deals with grief differently but I do think we all go through the same stages, perhaps in different orders. 
maybe take one day at a time and go with what you feel like?

Ive had days when I’ve sat about not doing much, crying, looking through photos, listening to our music.

I started small and set myself one positive thing to do a day, this lead onto more. I am having a good spell at the moment but I know I will still have bad days and always will, I will go with what I’m feeling knowing better days are to come back. This stops me putting pressure on myself.

There is no right or wrong way to get through bereavement and you have to do what feels best for you. We have to find a new ‘normal’ and build ourselves back. 

dont beat yourself up about times you argued, everyone has disagreements. At times, this is how you find how important an issue is for your other half or yourself, and is necessary to understand where each of you are coming from and afterwards it makes your relationship stronger I believe. So no time wasted. 

I always try and find the positive flip side of any negative. I do feel robbed of my husband but nothing I say or do will bring him back physically to me.

I feel part of me went with him and equally a part of him stayed with me and will always stay. We can’t change our situation, so I will go forward, taking him with me. 

I understand what you mean about re arranging things, I’m doing that too and like you say it isn’t removing our loved ones, in a sense it’s helping me find myself again as I go forward. 

On a lighter note, no thank you about the marmite! They do say you either love it or hate it, no in between. 

much love

Karen

Thank you for the reply, so much info to digest (unlike the Marmite!)

I have set myself three tasks a day and sometimes achieve them, I went to the supermarket today, went to pick up Carla's goats cheese got whacked by grief and had to have a sob behind my mask in the dairy aisle.

I had a meal with family relations and in typical Italian style they began asking me the usual questions which quickly turned to the future and here am I still patching up the present. It's nice because all my Italian friends ask "But you will stay here won't you?"

I would say apart from supermarket meltdown and brothers phone call it's been a better day today, I shall keep positive and again thank you for such a detailed and encouraging response

Many thanks

Mick

Hi Mick,

You are doing great by the sounds of it. We all have a melt down sometime and it is the little things that trigger it. It is such early days.

I have cleaned and cleared and rearranged nearly everything now but I am still looking to be busy, my coping mechanism! 

I am hoping that we will be able to go up to 60 miles soon as half promised, it is 60.6 miles from here where I want to scatter Ric and I hope I can do so. I so want to set him free. I am happy to go alone. My son doesn't want me to but I think I just want a quiet good bye now. I feel ready. 

Thank goodness for masks eh, they have saved me a couple of times at work recently when I get emotional (I am a nurse). I am sure you will find the best place for you to live. I was supposed to be coming to Italy on holiday in July but I doubt I will be able to. We will have to come next year instead and rebook. I would really want to experience.the real Italy anyway as it is something both my daughter and myself were looking forward to..

Take care

Love and hugs Alison xxx