Dear all,
I did read once that the period of the second year of bereavement can be more painful that the first. Apparently this is because, as the subtle but unknown process of denial of our loss fades away, its replaced with the stark reality that our loved one has truly gone for good. They aren't coming back. And so the memories that have been repressed so far rise up and take on a powerful role as they slip through into consciousness. The most insignificant memory of something tiny can suddenly come to mind and slash you down like a cutlass blow. Today I saw the first bud open of a potted and truly scented pink rose I bought my darling this time last year. Suddenly the memory of me buying it for her in the shop came through in complete detail - total technicolour - and so the grief with all its heartbreak started slashing at me again. These type of memories have become more prevelant over the last week and when Im not breaking down I'm sinking into a numb mindless depression. And I thought I'd been doing so well over the last few months. I can't see a future and to be honest I dont want a future. I just want this whole pointless life to go away. I'm done with it. As some know I'm 74 so there isn't much of a future coming anyway. Just bloody surviving from day to day like a caged animal. Our kids contact me less these days which I understand. If you research bereavement you'll see that its an entirely different phenomena for the offspring than it is for the bereaved partner left alone. The kids move on so much easier with their jobs and family life to attend to, and because their mum or dad puts on such a brave face in their company, they think they are moving on as well. But it isn't so. They have no true conception that their Mum or Dad left behind has lost a life time partner. A soul mate. And for those who have found this situation confusing and maybe hurtful I hope this explanation helps. Sorry if this post is a bit of a downer. I just had to put it in words to insure I wasn't going insane.
Love and Light
Geoff x
Dear Robmar
Yes cops wives go through so much worry when hubby is at work. Now I've lost Anne I miss her giving me a bollocking for not phoning whilst my cop mates and I where out on the piss
Although we had 18yrs together after my retirement she could still give a good bollocking LOL. Yes I have my upbeat moments like now but they are few and far between. Mostly I'm lonely in a house that has no soul. No matter where I used to go before the lock down, or who I saw and maybe had a laugh with it was always the same. Turn the key in the front door lock and enter a nothing place. Sterile. No life, No soul. No Anne. The love of my life. My soul mate who put up with so much when I was a cop. Bless her soul.
Love and Light
Geoff xx
At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.
