Nine months + and the grief has kicked back in again with a vengeance

Its nearly 4 weeks since I lost my soul mate my wife yesterday I've never cried so much just kept breaking down the emptiness loneliness longing for her I'm supposed to be the strong 1 the 1 who will cope but the truth is I'm not and she was. In the short 4 months from being diagnosed the strength and courage she had well I just hope I can find some to help me carry on I'm 48 we both were we've been together 30 years married 19 and did everything together life was perfect new house and plenty of holidays and now.... I'm sorry Geoff for your hurt I hope you can find the strength to keep going. 

Hi Razzor 

Thanks for replying and your kind supportive message. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your soul mate. Sadly there's nothing I or anyone can say to help relieve that aweful pain. All any of us can do it share our thoughts, feelings, and emotions whilst supporting each other as best we can. What you've shared so far is exactly what happened to me during my first months of loss.I know its a living hell. And age makes no difference my friend, no matter how young or old we are physically our feelings never age. They are timeless.Look after yourself Razzor and keep posting. I've found it helps. 

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Geoff the death of a spouse is truly the hardest thing you can go through. They are the ones that we shared everything with. I just feel lost now and very lonely. I sometimes think I'm losing the plot as well. I just want to feel normal.

Hi Geoff

i understand where you are coming from. To loose your life partner is so hard. I have lost a parent and it was horrendous but like you say, it is in no way the same as loosing your spouse. 

I am not dishonouring anyone’s grief from loosing someone, I have lost many people and bereavement is not nice.

unfortunately the only people that will understand are the people who have been dealt this cruel blow.

i have periods where I think what’s the point but I also have days where I think he wouldn’t want me to be like this and I know he will be looking down worrying so I push myself and try and do at least one positive thing a day, sometimes I don’t manage it but then I think aw well tomorrow’s another day, I’ve managed to survive this one.

I don’t believe grief goes in any order and fluctuates between stages, it is one thing that can not be ‘fixed’ and I don’t believe time heals either, you have to adapt and just somehow learn to live with it and keep their memory alive.

we have to get used to a new norm, i know you feel like you don’t want to be here, if you try and think I am here and I’m going to make what I have left count, I do think the lockdown has made a lot of people dip.

like you I am very spiritual and read a lot about this, I do feel robbed of my husband but I try and bring myself round by thinking the flip side of love is grief and if we didn’t love we wouldn’t need to grieve. We are fortunate to have soul mates and they still are as death does not take away your soul, she is with you in spirit.

some people never get to meet their soul mates, how lucky we have been. 

take care

much love

karen

Ebony12 you speak/ write such lovely rational words. You could be everyone's  counsellor!! 

Keep safe x

Thank you BootsyD,

this has been a good day, I have my moments  like us all lol.

I’m sure I will be ranting and feeling down and drawing on support on here on those days. 

I was at beginning of the week and got such lovely helpful comments back that it truly  lifted me.

we are all members of a group we didn’t want to be in, this site is  a life line to me and many others. I would gladly cancel my membership if it meant my husband could come back to me but that isn’t going to happen so we shall continue to support each other as best we can.

much love

karen

Dear Ebony,

You speak words of wisdom and I thank you  Yes there are times when I can think and feel as you mention. But as I stated recently the emotions have taken over, at least for a while.  When I qualified in  psychology and hypnotherapy I was taught that if there is ever a battle between the intellect and  emotions, the emotions will always win. They are the power house of our very being. You seem to know about my spirituality. Coins in the early days  appearing in odd places in the house. Many of them showing the same date. And Anne still visiting me from the other dimension through tingles like cobwebs floating on my face and making me break out into a smile. Even a tiny white feather appearing  in the house. So I know she is safe and loved in the other dimension  ( Heaven ?)  Yet I miss her physical presence so much. The cuddles we had before bed when we both said we loved each other. Specially towards the end of her Earth Walk. Im sure both of us will find a new path. Bless you.

Lovevand Light

Geoff x

Absolutely Geoff, intelligence goes out the window when emotions are heightened as intelligence relies some what on being able to put things into perspective and being rational.

and all of us on here have so many times when emotions steer our day but we are still here, we are strong and we will be ok.

hugs

karen 

Considered within the context of the enormity of losing the love of my life I thought I was ok during the first year 2019 after her death. I would put it no higher than that. Maintained the house and garden, paid the bills, shopped, looked after myself in mind and body, kept up with a few hobbies and maintained strong links with my kids and grandchildren. Life was tolerable...just. If I ever felt the regular, familiar stirrings of pain and grief I would acknowledge them as perfectly natural and necessary, if unpleasant, and wait for them to subside.Sometimes took hours, often days and on many occasions would find myself feeling sorry for my situation. I had to revert to giving myself a good talking to and often self referral,in other words thinking deeply as to the profound nature of what my wife had lost to make it feel somehow just a little better about my own. I am still breathing, alive, I'm an important person in my immediate families life, more so now than ever I think.  I am able to engage in some of the small pleasantries that life can still offer. A cold beer, a bike ride,reading a good book or watching a film, a small act of kindness towards someone maybe. A small life perhaps but no lesser of one and being mindful of the little things that can add value, purpose and meaning although we have all been temporarily robbed of the human contact we often crave and need. However, there is a salient point to my ramblings when considered within the context of what you posted.. Since February and the first anniversary I can totally empathise with your sentiments as its like I've been hit by a bus which has knocked the proverbial stuffing out of me and utterly blindsided me. I feel bereft, totally demotivated, lacking in any sense of purpose or enjoyment and am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the sense that this is permanent, she's not coming back and this is very much an uncomfortable reality that I'm going to have to come to terms with. I feel like any progress I made real or imagined in the first 12 months as taken a significant backward step. Whether this is just an temporary aberration on my own personal and torturous bereavement journey time will tell but I just wanted to say you come across  as a very kind, sensitive and considerate man so try not to be too hard on yourself eh?

Dear Davos55 

Thank you so much for sharing your story so far and the kind compliment. I'm always hard on myself. Very self judgemental with feellings of guilt that I could have been a better husband: But I dont really know what I mean by that! I'd have made a good Catholic LOL. Far too much thinking about the few really hard times Anne and I experienced in our relationship in the early years.And of course it was all my fault.Yet we were young people,  and young people tend to be stubborn and sometimes fiery. But somehow that doesn't give me comfort. Anne and I had some wonderful times together and her last birthday card to me said she loved me and I was her rock. That upsets me too because I think I don't deserve such an accolade. I've just discovered a song on YouTube  by a singer called Gerry Monroe called " You always hurt the one you love." It's brought me to tears yet again. I just can't understand why I keep beating myself up. It's illogical but try telling that to my emotions. Without blowing my own trumpet I know I was as you say a kind sensitive and considerate man 99% of the time but it seems to count for nothing now. All I think about are those few times I failed her. Goodness knows why I'm like this.

Love and Light 

Geoff x