A MESSAGE TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

Hi Geoff,

None of us had the perfect marriage but we like to remember the good. Ric had PTSD from his army life. He was a drinker! He could be bloody hard work yet I remember the living Ric. Remember the good times. 

None of us are perfect! You had a stressful job. You needed to release that sometimes. Ric never got that either when I came home after a long day! 

Don't beat yourself up. She knows you loved her 

Take care. Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Alison 

I've drunk in my time as a cop.  I have flashbacks of a lovely guy who's car has smashed into a concrete bollard on a motorway.  I think it was a suicide attempt. When I arrived I said "It's OK Mate I've got an ambulance on the way. You'll be OK."  He looked at me and smiled then said." No it won't."  He was dead on arrival at Hammersmith Hospital. 

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hi Geoff,

I think this lockdown is affecting us all.  These last few weeks have been hell; it's like going back to square one with  a lot of memories being dredged up. I have nothing inspiring to say but just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. Don't know what to make of this life.

hello Geoff Its good to hear from you my friend you always seem so wise and find your view a help at times On this journey of sadness . Hope you have been coping don't let it get you down you were the rock for the love of your life Anne Somewhere only we Know .

Hi Geoff,

I would say you show symptoms of PTSD probably accelerated or highlighted by the death of Anne. 

I wonder myself if I have symptoms at times. It is scarey. Ric's was partly from Northern Ireland and partly from a childhood accident! 

Maybe when you can you maybe might be able to get some help. 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi limbo and everyone

Thanks. It's a comfort to know I'm not the only one who's memories and emotions are going hay wire with this lock down. I've just done some work on our extension roof. When I'd finished there was an empty hollow feeling in my gut. No feel good factor because everything I did in life was with my Anne in mind. I was feeling more stable recently now days I'm hitting out at people. I'm becoming cranky with an underlying anger inside. This journey is a nightmare. I just don't know where my life is going anymore. 

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hi Geoff,

I feel cranky too! Trying not to but I could burst at work. Other colleagues are great but I feel the management have completely forgotten that I am nursing cancer patients, one has died and hey ho let's carry on Alison! I am also bored because 4 patients to 6 nurses is ridiculous, I can do more than that alone and used to doing so!!! 

I keep praying we wil have normality soon. Or something close. I am glad I have some time off next week because I can hide from them all!!! 

Keep going strong

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Geoff 

none of us are perfect and I should know that because I was always working long hours  but when we went on holiday it was nice to be together all the time 

and being in this situation bring all your old memories back  I do my best to keep busy then give up 

I have a week off next week going to make a list to keep myself busy or it will be like sunday’s what’s the point of getting out of bed that how I have become 

Alison  hope you have a long list too 

Take care 

Martin 

Hi all,

I wanted to share something I read last night. A few months ago I read David Kessler's book "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief". I think it was too soon for me at that point. I decided to pick it up again last night and there's a part where he's speaking about a grieving mother that hit me, because I think this is where I've reached. He says:

"But there will come a point , after she has honored the grief, when she will want to stop hurting. The yearning will be too much. The emptiness will become too encompassing. I'm not talking about lessening her connection to her loved one, but rather decreasing the suffering associated with the connection."

Only recently I was telling a friend that I was tired of hurting. Yesterday I felt as though I was going out of my mind from missing Gilles. His brother surprised me yesterday by Skyping me in the morning. I was so happy o speak to him and his wife but they told me we probably wouldn't see one another for the rest of the year after I return to France because of the coronavirus.  I feel as though I've sunk into a depression. I don't know if it's because of the lockdown or if the lockdown has heightened it.

Anyway, David Kessler's partner has deveolped what he calls grief yoga. I haven't tried it - will do so today, but I'm sending you the link: https://www.pauldennistontraining.com/elevate-class-video. According to him, we hold the grief in our bodies and this, I can believe. I'm carrying a ton of grief on my chest.

I hope everybody's doing a little better.

Take care.

I should never have posted this   Too much drink ! ! !  And now I feel guilty.