1 year on

Hi no you're not the only one it's soon a year for me and I feel the same as you it's not healed I have just learned to live with it I still have meltdowns and like you wonder if it's just me 

Very selfishly, I'll say I was relieved to find this thread. I came on tonight because I cried my heart out today… again. 16 months for me and far from healed. Missing my husband tremendously and asking myself what's wrong with me. There are days which I manage to get through with no tears but then the floodgates open and there's no stopping anything. I was telling a friend a while ago that I wish I could cry for a week non-stop and then never have to shed a single tear again. Wishful thinking.

Seriously though, I've been wondering if I'm abnormal. I've tried to assess my accomplishments (that might be too daunting a word) or, at least, to evaluate how I've changed and what progress I've made. As I said quite a while ago, I've become more outspoken, more choosy in whom I allow into my life. I find that people assume that because you're alone they can somehow usurp your life and space. There've been times when I felt suffocated by others who, in their own loneliness, were asking too much of me. I might be wrong, of course, but I no longer have the strength to be bogged down by their neediness. In the past, I allowed people to intrude because I couldn't say no. Of course, I've also learnt how to deal with car troubles. I panic less and, as hard as it is, I've learnt to pick up the phone and ask my colleagues for help when I can't do better.

This doesn't sound like much, does it? But what a journey it's been. I still feel lost and can't say who I really am. My identity is still tied up with Gilles' and am far from being the independent person he always wanted me to be. I still can't claim to have a purpose in life today and am just going along because there's breath in me. Perhaps it would've been different if we had had children but I don't really have any regrets where that is concerned. We were happy the way we were.

Recently, I told Gilles that if, indeed,  other dimensions do exist, I hope he will fly high and reach the uppermost levels of consciousness. He loved to read and had so much knowledge; he was like a walking encyclopaedia (which was convenient for the lazy bum that I am). I would be happy knowing he was still learning. I guess that perspective is new for me. As for me, I haven't found any new happiness. I don't yet have the energy to pursue or develop any interests.

I would love to hear what others further down this road have to say. Of course we're learning to live with the pain but do you see any changes within you? Do you see yourselves becoming different people or see yourselves coming to terms with what happened? We're all dealing with our grief differently and I'd love to learn from your experiences. When I read your posts, you all seem so wise.

wow my friend I'm so sorry for your Maria,s passing the loss of our soulmate is truly a heartache none of us could ever imagine You have been through so much and many changes Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm past the year and still in same house we shared thinking of miracles. better days