Looking for support

Hi

We had a similar time scale. My husband had stage 4 lung cancer. He died suddenly but fortunately at home but alone..we were not expecting it. We had a lovely Christmas day but he died on the 38th Dec. 

I have coped by being busy. It is all I can do. I fortunately can still work although it has its difficulties as I am a nurse and I have been redeployed to care for cancer patients requiring urgent surgery!!! I am lucky to have a 20 year old son and 16 year old day at home.

It is a difficult time making our grief harder. You are right the phone stops ringing! I have a friend who does understand because she lost her husband in October suddenly. We support each other.

Keep writing on here. It helps me to know I am not as alone as I feel.

Take care. Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Alison,

Thank you for your reply, I’m sorry to hear of your loss and really appreciate you sharing your story. I don’t think I ever realised what this would feel like, nothing can prepare you. It must be very tough for you working with patients with Cancer so soon after your loss. I do think being busy helps I work in the garden everyday but it’s not having someone to share it with. On bad days it’s hard to see what I’m doing it for. I’m missing my grandchildren who I used to look after. When I talk to people on the phone I feel it’s forgotten that I’ve lost my husband, we are all so concerned about Coronavirus, rightly so. When people talk about getting back to normal, I’m sure you’ll agree our lives will never be our known normal. We are trying to find a new normal. There will be so many people coming out of this who have lost love ones and who’s  life will never be the same again. I know I’m not alone with these feelings but some days it feels a very lonely place.

Stay safe

Jaybe

Hi Jaybe,

We are struggling because we can't have that 'different' normal. I was working toward it. Now I have a few boxes stuck at my dad's because I had put some stuff there I wasn't ready to deal with and now I am cut off from it. Missing my dad too who along with my son has been my rock. Always there and fixes things for me practically too! 

I have started to run out of busy at home. Yes, looking after cancer patients is painful. They have no relatives with them which is awful and upsets me. I have support from colleagues but the management seem to have forgotten and I feel dumped from.my usual.place of work. I often come home and cry. I was pretty upset last week when a patient passed away. The ward manager never even asked if I was ok. 

I want to desperately scatter Ric and let him go free too but I can't yet as it is an hour away! Not essential for anyone but me! 

I think others forget quickly because they don't understand if they haven't been through it. Guess it is not their fault!!! I keep trying to stay positive! 

I have a week off after next week. I do need a break! 

Take care. Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Alison,

Thank you have made me feel better, it’s being in contact with someone who’s going through this now. I have friends who have lost their husbands but not recently. They have moved on and further down the line and it’s good to see that. It gives you hope but right now it’s hard to see a way forward. I went out with one of my friends just before lockdown and I thought this is OK I can do it. We spent the day visiting a garden and had lunch, I had a few lunches with family and we started to plan future events and then lockdown.

i struggled but I started sorting his clothes and now the charity shops are closed and most are still hanging in the wardrobe and shoes on the rack. It’s like time has stood still. I don’t really want that to change, it’s comforting but it’s not moving on. We can’t change the past but my mind goes back over those final weeks over and over again, remembering things or conversations, worrying about what day certain things happened. 

I feel for you in your job, it’s got to be so hard and I think anyone in your situation would come home and cry. It’s hard enough coping with what’s going on in your own life without the emotions of being with others at the end of their life. Take some time out for yourself on your week off.

I'm struggling with my husbands ashes, we never spoke about what either of us wanted to happen. They sit in the bedroom and I talk to them as if he is there.  It seems too hard to make a decision, I’m thinking now I may leave them until our ashes can be scattered together? I hope you get the chance soon to scatter your husbands ashes as you want to.

Stay in touch, I hope work isn’t so stressful for you this week.

stay safe,

jaybe

Hello JayBe1,

it's a long time since I posted on here but something made me look today and your message was seen. My wife Jean passed just before Christmas 4 years ago and I joined Macmillan as an Online Champion. Eventually I had to leave in order to move foreward. I still come back now and again and always find someone looking for support. There is a big hole in ones life after losing a loved one isn't there and I can say all day that things will get better but that's not the answer. A shoulder to lean on, a virtual hug from someone who understands is much better at this time and that can be found on this site. We are all in the same boat and we understand what you are going through. It is very hard in normal times and much more difficult in these days of lockdown. Remember you have many friends on here and keep posting, support each other, talk with each other and take each day at a time. Days will pass by and you will do each other good. My thoughts are with you and I send big hugs, keep safe.

Terry.