Overwhelming loss of the love of your life - from one Big C to another.....

Oh Grannysmith

It is hard and this virus is really not helping. any one, and i think for people that have had to join this site it is harder.

It is six months since i lost my hubby and at the start i thought i was coping really good surprised myself, but i now know i was like a robot had a job to do and got on with it.

When things died down and the funeral was over, and my grown up children went back to there own lives the best they could, i was now on my own.

I was in our home and it still  is our home, i did not even want to go out for shopping, i felt save being in the home we had for 53 years.

I just did one day at a time and got threw morning to night, and started again in the morning.

I then started one hour a day going threw his things and surprised my self how well i did it, i laughed, i cried, i screamed, i got angry, and at times i cursed him and then i at times had a little laugh.

Its hard and you are not in your home, i am not lonely but as you said i am alone, cut in half, i am just me when there had been the two of us for so long.

I have some good days and bad, but it is getting a little easier, i talk to him now more than when he was here and that makes me laugh, i have started playing music, music he liked , what we both liked some happy songs and some real sad ones, i sing and i cry but it makes me fill a little better.

Please use the group it is a great support, we all understand what you are going threw, even my children do not really understand how i felt, they lost their dad, but i lost the only man i have ever loved, and was with him since i was 16, and i am no spring chicken ow.

Take Care Elliexx

Hi Grannie Smith

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband,It is very soon and so raw for you right now not helped in any way by our current lock down situation.It is nearly 5 months since I lost my husband,I would like to say things get easier but its not the case,but instead its finding ways of managing & coping with the pain & waves of grief that suddenly take over at anytime of day or night.I take a day at a time sometimes just a few hours at a time when my loss really hits me very hard.Be kind to yourself & just go with how you feel at the time,it must be difficult for you living with your daughter at the moment as am sure you will be trying to be strong for her & not wanting to show your own upset most of the time,you will both be grieving in different ways and will both need time on your own to take stock & reflect on what has happened.The first few weeks will have been busy for you with funeral arrangements etc at that time I found I was in a fog and not really thinking of my loss,its not until time goes on and things get quieter and less busy and you start to have the time to think that things start to hit you.None of us want to find ourselves in this group but am sure you will find everyone is so supportive as we all have our losses in common & have a deep understanding and empathy for each other,so please use it and chat on here anytime and you will find it helpful in many ways.

Best Wishes

Laura x  

Hi Granny Smith,

Like you it's 12 weeks since I lost my Bob - 17th January at 9.05 am and like you I seem to be getting worse and not better. I am isolating at home alone despit having a huge family all local and I can't even have a cuddle from my children, grandchildren or parents and that's all I need at the moment.

I am furloughed from work so see no one apart from on a bloody face time screen and it's killing me. I garden, clean, exercise, run (Bloody miles) just to fill the day. some days I struggle to get out of bed thinking "Whats the point" and I sit and sob. Nothing means anything anymore without him in my life. The thought of further weeks like this frightens me and I do think I might actually go mad.

What can we do? Like everyone else says I take each hour at a time and then hours lead into days but it's so bloody awful it's like torture.

Stay strong I suppose that's all we can do. Cancer took our loved one's and I feel like it has taken me as well. I know I will get my cuddles eventually but I need them NOW.

Sending love and hugs via a computer which is the best we can do for now

Sheila 

Thank you for your message Ellie.  It’s good to hear from someone who understands....I agree with what you say and how you feel.  We met when I was 15 and would have celebrated our 49th anniversary last month.  

I can’t face going through his things yet I’m afraid and music catches me out and I get so upset.  

I came home yesterday for a couple of days for my own self preservation and after the messages received and being in our home of 41 years, it has really helped.  I will use the group and thank you.

keep doing what your doing and stay safe.

Best wishes,

V x

Thank you so much for your lovely message Laura.  

I totally agree with what you have said - you’re right, it’s good to communicate with ladies who are in the same position and going through the same raw pain of losing your sole mate.  My mother was widowed...twice...but she never recovered from the second loss and try as we did, she never returned to the real world so in effect I lost her too and made  a promise to my husband and family that I would not waste my life, but it’s so hard.

I won’t beat myself up over my overwhelming sadness but take it a day at a time and use this forum.  It’s good “ to talk”.  

My best wishes to you in your healing process.

My very best wishes.

V x

I was very moved by your message Sheila and have tears in my eyes now writing this.

 I think we have to accept that we have to persevere and that some days we get through and others we struggle to get through and go with the flow.  Although we didn’t have cancer, it’s maimed and scarred us.  Like you I feel that half of me isn’t here and I’m going through the motions.

i came home for a couple of days yesterday and being here in the house of 41 years which we built together has lifted me a bit.  He died at 7.05pm on the 10th January at home and I cuddle his pillow at night in our bed.  I needed this.  I don’t need to go out other than to do the gardening so I’m not breaking the rules.  It will be good for my girl too and she’s looking forward to me returning hopefully being able to cope a bit better.

thank you so much for responding to my post.  I’m really glad I took the step to reach out and hear from others in the same position as me.

Take care, be safe and hopefully we will soon be able to have those hugs from our family and friends.

V. 

Dear GrannySmith, I saw this name as a "like" to one of my posts it took me by surprise, as my mother in law was Granny Smith.

Ive read your post and the comments, what is so common on here is the length of time a lot of us have been together.

My Amanda I met when she was 14, even at that time we became best friends, becoming a couple when she was 17. Ive known her all of my adult life, as others say, she was everything to me, we spent all our spare time together for a lifetime. We married when she was 21, and were together for a further, 46 years. She was diagnosed April last year, with Pancreatic cancer, with secondaries in the liver, terminal with no treatment possible. She died at home the end of July 2019.

Its 9 months, almost, since I lost her, the most horrific thing I could ever imagine, something we had not planned for or thought about, our plans were future holidays our grandchildren, and our life together, but all that torn away in a cruel and quick way.

I looked after her 24/7 for 3 and a half months, we took a holiday after diagnosis and did everything possible for the that time we had together. I ended pushing her in a wheelchair, and doing everything for her day and night.

At least we managed her pain and she was largely pain free for most of the time until 2 days before she died.

I have so many precious memorys from a lifetime but also from those last few months where even a week before she died she was still eating and we spent a sunset on a beach, watching the sun slowly fade. She was so brave, weaker thinner, but always my love and my soulmate.

We had no help, I did it all in the last month entirely on my own. I managed her medication, pain relief and well just everything.

Its particularly hard for those of us that met so young and spent our entire life together, I dont want to underestimate in any way, the pain of those that were together for a shorter time. I'm  sure regardless of time its a painful and cruel experience, but I do feel that for some of us that meeting so young, and as one of the comments above said, "I've only ever loved that one person" makes it so much more difficult. I know I  struggle, as I've  just never known anything or anybody else.

And now? Well, I'm coping, I miss her so much, I talk to her morning and evening every single day. I hear her telling me when things are not as they should be. I'm in our home, in some ways thats painful, in others comforting. I have adopted the keep myself busy, what I try to do is keep things as she would have done, it kind of makes me feel shes around me still, and in spirit I'm sure she is.

I'm  doing a lot better than I was, thats for sure, I wouldnt chose this life thats been forced on me, but by doing everything in a way that she did I find eases the pain at least a little. We became so much part of each other, I cook now farlirly well, it started a few months before she became ill with Cancer, she was not well but undiagnosed, so I took on the cooking from then on, I never realised how much I had learnt from her, but looking back it was obvious as we did everything together for so long.

I've restarted my old hobby, met some great new friends, and that helps me to cope. One of her passions was the garden, I find myself constantly trying to keep it as it was. My head always thinks how would she have liked it?

So 9 months on, I'm still sad, I still cry quite often at the most silly things, I know I  will never get over her,  I will never stop missing her, I remember when we were young, she described us as swans, adding they mate for life, she was right.

Sorry for the long post, somethings you wrote, and some of the replies stirred me to reply.

I dont have the answers, but I'm between where I was and where I'm  going, the journey continues with her always in my head and my heart.

Gary

Hi there it’s been 4 months for me since the love of my life left David was diagnosed with oesophagas cancer which had spread to his liver and lungs 5 weeks from diagnosis he was gone and had no illness at all before diagnosis only indigestion feelings I’m lost and fear for the rest of my life alone without him I have 3 amazing kids but they are not my husband xx

Thank you for your lovely post  Gary.  I empathise with so much of your “journey”. I’m glad you were able to have a holiday with Amanda.  We were not so lucky as my beloved had a drain inserted in his lung shortly after diagnosis which put paid to any holidays.  

Our future was along the same lines as yours, we had our first ever 4 week holiday planned for last October, following the last 6 difficult years of my mother’s life when we were unable to - we were looking forward to that so much.  

Like you I was there 24/7 doing everything too - including insulin injections due to steroid induced diabetes - one of numerous complications he had to endure through his cancer.  He was such a strong willed man and climbed the stairs to our bed rather than sleep in the hospital bed downstairs which was in place 2 months before he lost his battle - in our bed and the house we had lived in for 40 years.  I couldn’t be prouder of him.  It took it’s toll on me but I didn’t want to be away from him for a minute as he was my life.  My vows: in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish ‘til death do us part.

People keep telling me how lucky we were to have had the relationship which we had, but I don’t feel very lucky at the moment, just increasingly sad.

Thanks to your post and those of others, it makes me realise others like me are suffering with their unbearable grief and to get through this a day at a time and one day hopefully  I will learn to live with the pain.

kind regards

V.

Hi Julie.  I know it has been a shock for you but be thankful he didn’t go through many of the dreadful symptoms many cancer sufferers do.

You’re right, children - however wonderful they are - are no substitute for a loving husband.  My husband told me that I must remember our children would be going through their grief too and I’m their mum and they will need me.  But it’s hard as they carry on with their own lives....leaving us with the worst grief.  

I still can’t reconcile that I will never see him again or hear his voice except on a screen.

 I pick myself up for a few days and then slip back into this all-enveloping, overwhelming loss...how long does that last???  I guess I will find out one day.

Take care

V x