Hi everyone,
Hope you're all faring reasonably well under the circumstances.
I was doing okay but broke down today. I've become so listless that I'm incapable of working or doing anything that might be considered remotely productive. i have exams to set, papers to correct. I begin working, then just find myself going from one site to another and I accomplish Nothing or not much.
Today it dawned on me that my life has become one big sham. Since Gilles' death, I've put on a brave face, pretending to cope, smiling and trying to look "normal". During this confinement, we're being asked as teachers to pretend that new technology is the answer to everything, that courses and exams can go on as usual. As a foreign language teacher, I can tell you these exams are a joke. The students are either just copying over their courses or using Google Translate. And then, today, as I was drinking non-alcoholic beer, since the sale of alcohol has been banned here during the confinement, I thought that even that has because a sham.
It's alright when you choose to be alone but the word loneliness has taken on a whole new meaning. I had finally found a few people that I was comfortable with and enjoyed being with from time to time. The loneliness of the first few months has returned in full force and all I could do this afternoon was sob - for Gilles' suffering, for me, my loss, and for the life I will no longer have with him.
I feel really down and don't know in what state I'll wake up tomorrow. You can tell that people no longer know what to say when you say you've been crying. More pretence. Had a lovely day, thank you very much
Thanks for reading, for listening to me whimper and whine and feeling sorry for myself
Hugs to everyone
