Broken

I'm so sorry for your loss Razzor , this illness can be very brutal to endure and witness.

My husband also passed in a hospice and had hoped to come home, I get comfort from knowing actually he was getting the best care and me and our children were with him so it didn't matter where he was.

It's such early days for you and you will feel numb, lonely, scared, anger and above all heartbroken. It's very "normal" and you must only do the essential things, eat, sleep and cry not in that order. 

I hope you find this site a comfort.

Take care 

hi razzor I'm so sorry for the loss of your lady I would have written earlier but I was overcome with the floods of tears again after your message of the past week it truly is heartbreaking my friend why does life hurt so much at times I will never understand. Keep writing on here there are many good people who are hurting and offer some wise words of comfort . Take care and my condolences.

Hi Razzor

I am so sorry that you had to find this group.

It is really early day's for you though we do understand how you fill. My hubby also passed in a hospice, i did have him at home two weeks before,which was hard work as the days went on.

The hospice gave me and him quality time together, i spent the whole time there until h passed, they gave him so much better care than i could towards the end.

Please take each day as it comes, it is hard, so many different emotions you will experience, and you will at times wonder where they come from, we have all been threw this and at times think you are going mad.

Please use the group to get you threw the next few weeks with what ever you are going through.

If it had not been for the people here and we are all at different stages of this process i would not have got threw the past months

No one can truly understand what you are feeling unless they have experience it, even my grown up children do not understand what i felt.

My hubby has been gone 6 months but starting to get on with things but still have my moments we are all human.  

Take Care Ellie xx

Oh Razzor, I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I had the same story of experiences. His symptoms became apparent 61/2 weeks before he died. Sledgehammer is indeed the right word. The speed of his deterioration coupled with this hellish lockdown made his last couple of weeks so very sad. Seeing the children was difficult and the grandchildren had to stay outside. We didn't know he would go so quickly or we would have stuffed social distancing. Like you I am totally heartbroken and I lie here wrapped in his hoodie and sobbing with grief. I know it will pass some day but right now it is horrible.  

Weird I've felt really low today fell asleep and woke up with a feeling to come on this  online community at 1 in the morning smaggie ya I'm snuggling up to my wife's clothes singing songs to her even with the lock down people have come to see me but makes no difference I actually think its getting worse my pinning for her God she would want to slap me and tell me to get my self together but it's hard isn't it I wish I could give you some words but all I can say is ya its horrible  but wot I will say is if you would like to message me I will try my best to message you back and maybe we can help each other carry on 

And here i am at 1.59. Don't give in Razzor, don't let the disease that took her take you too. She needs you now as never before to keep her light shining for her. Breathe her in, sing to her, do whatever you have to do to keep afloat until you start getting a little stronger.  And you will Razzor, as sure as the sun rises you will. But it is still the middle of the night so it won't be rising just yet. 

Hi All,

Must be something in the air last night as I also wrapped in my husbands shirt last night sobbed and sobbed watching video's of my Bob singing over and over again just so I could hear his voice and see him alive and at his best. I'm 13 weeks into this process and last few days it's hit me as hard as it did in the days after he passed away. I have woken up this morning feeling very low even though the sun Is streaming through the window. I am isolating alone and unable to see my family so this is not helping and I also know that seeing me in this state would make my Bob sad. I tell myself all the right things but it is not helping and I feel at rock bottom. For sure Cancer has taken him and may as well have taken me as well and I don't know what to do.

I'm sure everyone thinks i'm doing OK as that's the face I put on in Public but now alone i'm a wreck and I don't know how to get through this but I know I must.

Sheila 

I am Shelagh too. Different spelling same pronunciation. Your pain and devastation is tangible and it must be so very hard to try and hide it. I am only 6 days into this so people allow me/ expect me to break down in public. Be kind to yourself Sheila, allow yourself to be open with others and to redirect the protection you have been giving them back to yourself. You need it more.

Someone said that this is a tunnel we are in, not a world. We will emerge from the other end.

I feel so sorry for those who are just starting their bereavement at this horrid time.  I was lucky that my Angel Belle passed 7 months ago, before all this lockdown and I was able to take some time off work, go back which was a godsend, visit and meet up with friends and work at my local Rugby club bar on Saturday and Sunday evening meaning hardly spending time at home which were the times I really missed her.

My counsellor said it must be hard for those of us that are normally advised to not spend time at home when we cannot do that but I explained that I've past that part of grieving and have found things to keep me busy. I've gone back to producing my own dance tracks, something I used to do before I met my Angel Belle, now using a mobile phone app and get out to my local woodlands on the pretence of doing nature surveys.

It's been 2 weeks 2 days and the pain is worse than ever spoke to a doctor yesterday had to be over the phone find it hard to speak when its not face to face her advice to me that it was good that I'm crying pinning mourning her that I'm not bottling it up she gave me phone number of a place called talking together but as with everything its leave a message so here I am waiting to hear from them feeling forgotten and djaxster I do feel if I could get out and go places where we used to go many of them being pubs or rather real ale pubs and just get out that maybe it could help me in some ways