I think its time to move forward

Hi Mary

I'm on a constant see saw. One minute up at the top and feeling positive about trying to enjoy life and then I'm down at the bottom thinking what's the point, but then I'm up at the top again thinking if I'm lucky I've got 30 years of my life left so I better start enjoying it or making an effort!!

I've had holidays and had a new kitchen installed and I'm back at work, all which take enormous effort and as you say outwardly I must appear strong and coping. But I'm not really. As time moves me further away from my husband the loneliness seems worse. His 2nd Anniversary is 31 March 2020, it seems unbelievable. 

Take care of yourself 

Mary, I know what you mean.

I've tried so hard to be as normal as the situation were all in will allow me.

Today Amanda's birthday, i woke and couldnt stop the waves of emotion and sadness.

Our entire family, children grandchildren partners all met for lunch at one of her favourite restaurants, i managed to put on a face mainly for the grandchildren and we had a nice meal, toasted Amanda and had a place laid at the table. I'm home now feeling sad, the morning grief has passed and I look to trying to get back to where I was.

It's not wrong to try to live something of our lives,

It's over 7 months now, where did my life go? Where are all those things we planned? Where the epic holidays to places unseen?  Gone in a flash taken by Cancer.

Gary.

Hi Ruby Diamond,

I know what you mean about the seesaw, just how I feel. Oh, I wish we knew how long this lasts! Even though I am not working, I care for my mum, somehow the weekends seem harder than the weekdays. There's always an empty feeling, even if I've kept myself occupied.

Congratulations on getting a new kitchen done! I think it's very brave to do that on your own! Well done! 

Do you think you have more good days than bad? I think I do, but it comes as quite a shock when a bad day arrives. I wish I knew what to do with my life now, I haven't worked that one out yet, but feel as though I should have some kind of plan or vision for the future, it's over 2 years since my husband died.

If anyone has any bright ideas I would love to hear them! The seesaw is very tiring!

Thank you Northern lass

My Rob wanted to get me a new kitchen but ran out of time so I had to be brave. I left it a year but then one of the doors broke so I saw it as a sign and found a local company who were very kind and helpful and put up with my indecisiveness. 

I do have more good days than bad but I also feel like I'm just filling my days without being very happy or fulfilled.

Both our sons still live at home but I'm really dreading when I am on my own, it actually makes me cry when I imagine my long lonely days then.

Hi Nothernlass,

You wrote a couple of days ago:

"Do you think you have more good days than bad? I think I do, but it comes as quite a shock when a bad day arrives. I wish I knew what to do with my life now, I haven't worked that one out yet, but feel as though I should have some kind of plan or vision for the future..."

I too would say I have more good than bad days but it comes as a shock each time a bad one arrives. I feel like most of the time I can go along fine but then, unexpectedly, a wave of grief comes over me and, because I was okay for a long time, it is such a shock, it's like being re-traumatised or something like that.

I don't have any plan or vision for the future either. It would actually frighten me having to think too far ahead. So the best thing for me seems to be to just keep going and let the future emerge from what we are doing now. As the Buddha and may Buddhist teachers say, your present moment will become the past and your future moments will become your present. So in that sense I am thinking to myself that I don
't have to have a big plan, just being here and doing the best I can is enough, and if ever a life plan or vision emerges from that, that's fine, but if not I just have to go along as I do and see what emerges minute by minute if that makes sense.

Love, Mel.

I have a bad day, hour or minute.

That's how I see things too, Mel. Having a plan or a vision seems like a tall order for me rght now. And, of course, many of us have come to realize that plans or visions don't always materialize. I, too, have decided to go with the flow. In any case, I don't have much of  a choice. There'll be a few changes to my life around the middle of the year - new job, moving from here and no idea yet where I'll be sent - and, unfortunately, I don't have much control over these things. One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn and am still learning, is tryng not to control.

I started replying to you on Sunday, Northernlass, then just deleted it all. Basically, I was saying the same thing as Mel. I felt as though I would be putting a lot of pressure on myself if I had to find a vision in/for my life now and I think I'll try to content myself with just short-term goals, if even.

I wish us all some kind of peace on this rocky road.

Hi ruby diamond 

have you ever thought about fostering I’m a foster carer if 7 yrs  and my husband is very ill with cancer but should he not get I remission I know I won’t pack in fostering as it gives me a purpose in life and such gratification in breaking cycles for these young people and making such a difference to their lives ! Only a thought if your struggling with loneliness ! 
take care 

Jackie the jester 

Hi Jackie the jester

Thank you for the post, I actually never have thought of fostering. But now I am. Not for now my youngest son is 14 but it won't be long before I am on my own. 

Take care, I am sending positive thoughts to your husband 

Thankyou ! Although it often has challenges It’s very gratifying good luck

Hi Mary & everyone 

I don’t always post so much now as I wonder if there is anything else for me to even say but I still read all the comments from you all. 
I just wanted to say thank you so much for such a thought provoking thread that has make me realise a few things even though I will soon be 2 years into this journey, it still feels like it happened last week. 
A point was made recently that to try & keep everything as it was when our loved ones were here is actually very difficult. I pondered this as having teenagers at home I’ve tried to keep everything the same since dad died to help them but I just can’t keep up with it- I’m working more, the only one now to do the run arounds, parents eves at school, help with homework etc & I just can’t keep the house looking spotlessly tidy all the time as I used to ( my hubby hated a mess!) something which I have struggled with as it’s unlike me to let things slide  - think I needed to hear that it was ok to live as we are now as things have indeed changed, from another on our group. 
Ruby Diamond pointed out that if lucky, there may be years ahead for us- again that was good for me to hear as I simply hadn’t thought about things like that for some time - I’m in my late 40s but having lost my husband  at 50 & 3 close friends in quick succession all a similar age & to this awful disease, to be honest I’ve just felt actually there will be no long term future for me - sounds silly but sometimes pointing out that we don’t know helps. 
Thirdly, the whole thing that we get on with things but nothing & everything has changed for us. Im guessing you can see I really don’t look much to the future at all. I’m ok with that, to try & plan too far in advance is difficult for me but it gives me comfort to know others feel the same. That doesn’t mean I don’t look  forward to things,I just arrange them as I go,  more that I don’t look even a year ahead or long term things Just feel less certain now, it’s just how it is. 
like you all I have good days & bad, definitely more of my “new” normal days which is why when I have a bad one it is quite a shock & can feel harder to face. 
Anyway wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you all , I’m glad you are making hesitant progress it is such a difficult journey. 
Thankyou for  all for your comments, you may not know when you post what others will take from them 

wishing all a happy weekend

Sarah xx