Help with coping

Sheila

i get you one hundred percent. People keep telling us it gets better but for me it doesn’t. I have always been that person that is strong but this pain is on another level. I wish I could just wipe all the pain away for us but I can’t. Just know that you are not alone. 

Debs xx 

Dear Sheila,

I am sorry for your loss. Sympathise and relate to what you have said, i feel lost and totally overwhelmed by everything. too. I just want someone to take me by the hand and lead me somewhere less painful .It is six weeks tomorrow, two weeks since the funeral and everything feels slow motion but fast forward at the same time, i still feel like it's a bad dream and i will wake up and my husband will be here. Everything is far too much effort. Had someone tell me over the phone this morning "i know exactly how you feel", i was thinking no you don't your husband is still alive. 

I don't know your circumstances prior to your loss but for me it was as a carer, hospital appointments etc, i guess it is adjusting to everything being different. There is so much well meaning advice out there keep busy it helps ....until you stop then it's like hitting a wall. Do things at your own pace ....i don't know what that is anymore.

Sending you a virtual hug, xxxx  

Hi Sheila, I'm so sorry you're having such a bad day. We all have them and hopefully tomorrow will be better. My meltdown was last night as you know but today has been so much better. But I have been busy so I guess that's the answer.

In my counselling group they talk about "the whirlpool of grief". You should Google it, it makes so much sense of what we are all going through.

Sending you a massive hug. Ali x

I lost my husband at Christmas and I attempted CPR. I am a nurse and it was automatic reaction when I found him. He was face down on the floor and cold. I think he had a stroke. The PM has not shown anything so wait for the coroner's decision! I have laid him to rest with an interim certificate and I don't need the official document as I have sorted everything now! So his verdict is irrelevant. 

When I phoned 999, they kept telling me how to resuscitate him. I got angry and stopped. He was dead and had terminal stage 4 lung cancer and I thought what am I doing! The ambulance service carried on for 20 mins as he hadn't had time to sort a DNR. He had only been diagnosed 3 months! That was horrific and what a mess they left behind too! Which made it worse! 

I too kept getting flash backs and seeing him lying there! Imagining all sorts especially at night and I was getting nightmares! I have bought a new mattress topper, electric blanket so I get in a comfy bed and put my favourite picture of him by my bed so I have a nice image of him. I am leaving the landing light on so I can see a bit of light too. It has helped me. You need to be able to replace the bad images with a good one. The undertaker also did a fantastic job and he looked lovely and peaceful. 

I have coped also by being over busy but not sure it was quite the thing to do! I have annual leave after next week and I am exhausted. I intend to spend that pottering! I need to wind down. I aim to have a quiet few days alone. I am fed up with company! You have to make an effort then! 

Take care xxx

Hi Akela

thank you for replying. I also bought a new mattress topper and have his picture by my bed which I talk to every evening. Like you I try and keep over busy and also like quiet alone time in my house which has become my safe sanctuary and the place I can cry alone. I feel like I’m going through all the motions but I also feel “what’s the point” nothing seems worthwhile. I stay up too late, don’t cook proper food and end up eating junk food so I’m neglecting myself which really is not me at all and my Bob would not happy with me for that.

Life is just black for me at the moment and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel I’m just putting one foot in front of the other.

Sheila

Hi Witches

I really do relate to what you say too.  Most days I don't want to be here.  Life has lost all purpose and colour and I feel such despair.  Every day I talk myself out of the dark thoughts, then I wake up the next day and I have to do it all over again.  Like you, I am biding my time, and one day I will be with him again.

Hi Both

I know what you mean I feel the same,everyday is a struggle,I manage to do a few hours of say taking dogs out,tidying house or meeting friends which can act as a bit of a distraction for a short while,then the emptiness & despair returns,its 12 weeks tomorrow since I lost my husband Micky to brain tumours & it feels like it was years ago then another time it feels like 5 minutes.I still just try to do a few hours or a  day at a time,my home is my sanctuary where I can cry when I want.Every one thinks I am doing well as back at work etc but they cant truly know what my loss is like for me,I tend to put on an act when outside & at work just for self preservation then when get home I feel exhausted.No one except all the kind supportive people on here know what we are suffering,so its nice to sound off on here.

Best Wishes

Laura x

Hi Laura,

I can relate to everything you say, my life is exactly the same as yours in fact we could be Same person. It seems so unfair. I’m into week 6 and the thought of being back to a normal Monday at work just felt awful I just don’t want to do it I just want to crawl under a rock and hope it is a bad dream!

My life just feels Black!

Sheila

Hi Sheila I'm 8.5 months now the rawness does ease of but the vacume we now have never seems to go. work is a distraction but there are still the bad days so go easy on yourself and take it a day at a time it will never be the same but not as raw

Hi Shelia,

Keep at it Hun. I keep getting back up because I know Ric would expect it of me. He knew I am a fighter. He didn't want to leave me but he knew I would cope and I will. 

We can have our tears and miss them.ni know I do. Sunday's seem worse. I am not sure why that is now. But I guess your Bob thinks you are a capable strong lady too. 

It is worthwhile to make things better for others which I do somehow hope to do when I am strong, even if it is something small. I heard today how a friend of a friend had changed a whole hospital policy of giving out belongings when someone had passed in a nice little bag not a hospital property carrier bag! A lovely simple idea which has helped lots of the bereaved. If I can do something so good I will. 

Try and find something worthwhile too. I won't give in because Ric won't want me to. I am lucky I have lots of family looking out for me. 

Take care and find a reason Hun xxx