Help with coping

Dear Star12345,

Firstly don't apologise you weren't rambling.

You've had so much to deal with and cope with. Not only a short diagnosis but traumatic end of life events. Give yourself time to process all the memories, bad ones even, as this will make way for happier times in your life together. Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm sure you did everything you could bearing in mind the difficult (to say the least) circumstances. This is all part of things I'm afraid but it has to be gone through. Grieve with your son, share all you feel and support each other. You've been through this together so far and you need each other. I wish you peace with your struggle 

Dear Star,

I lost my darling husband 5 weeks today 9 months from diagnosis he was 64. He died in my arms in our bed but he didn’t go quietly and I have flashbacks of his last hours. I take each hour at a time. Some hours I’m fine and others I’m a sobbing wreck. I do things and I don’t know why I’m doing them. Cleaning when our once lovely happy home seems unimportant and worthless without Bob in it. Running and the gym because I can’t cry when I’m breathless and sweating. Coming home to an empty house is horrible. I stay up far too late as bed is now my sad place. I don’t eat meals as I can’t be bothered to cook and then I eat a tin of biscuits as I’m comfort eating. I watch videos of bob singing, dancing so I can here his voice. It’s not fair and I’m empty and lost. We are all grieving and I find writing on this site sharing with everyone who is going through the same helps.

sheila

Dear Sheila, What a tough time you have had. My wife is still with me and will be undergoing Chemo once again this week but I can already relate to all the comments you make about coming home to an empty house and not wanting to go to bed as I have had these thoughts since she was diagnosed in March last year. It's an awful feeling and I really admire you for getting out there and continuing with your running etc. I think that is so important.

I'm sure you will find strength and courage in knowing that you did everything possible to make your beloved husband's final hours as comfortable as possible. Sending big hugs - please let me know how you are doing.

Regards, Kev

Dear Star 12345, I am so sorry for your loss and for what you and all of us are going through at the moment.

I lost my husband 12 weeks ago from a brain tumour, also 5 months from diagnosis. I am also 55 with 2 children, a 22 year old daughter and an 18 year old son. We were together since I was 17. I totally get where you're coming from.

I think as everyone says on here there is no magic cure, you just have to take it day by day or hour by hour and it is amazing how your feelings/emotions change in such a short space of time.

I've been back at work for 4 weeks now and it does help as a distraction but I cried all the way home tonight knowing that Mark wouldn't be there to give me a cuddle and cuppa as I'm always shattered on a Friday as I do a long shift. I am also struggling to find the motivation to do anything but sit on my sofa all day watching crappy tv and eating rubbish. 

Sending you a hug. Ali x

Dear Ali 

Our situation (Not sure I like that description) is so so similar. I have been back at work 6 weeks after being Off work for the whole 5 months with him and I cry on the way to work and on the way home. I just can’t get use to the loneliness and the slightest thing sets me off. I have always been a strong person but this is something that is so unfair that I really am struggling to cope with it, but I will, I have too for our son. 
Every day is different and I don’t want to cope with any of this, I just want him back but know that’s not possible. We didn’t even get chance to get use to the idea of him being ill, although maybe that just isn’t possible anyway. Brain tumours take so much of a person away and in my hubby’s case the treatment took the rest. 
If I am with people It takes my mind off it all but on my own I'm angry, sad and heartbroken at the same time. 
I'm trying to keep busy but sometimes I do have to stop and face all the emotions. Crappy tv is my saviour at night I’m afraid. 

sending you a massive hug Ali xx

and also hugs for everyone else who has taken the time to reply to me, it helps to know that I’m not alone in this.  Thank you xx

Debs 

I lost my partner just over three months ago. I am heartbroken. Every day is a struggle. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel near to tears all day and when I'm alone I cry my eyes out. But I'd like to share something that's helped me with getting through all this. Maybe it will help somebody else. We are all different, so it may not be for everyone. But I've found it very helpful to keep a personal journal. I started it because I was terrified of forgetting things about my partner. Every tiny memory of him is precious to me, (and I knew from the experience of losing my father years ago that our minds can play tricks on us). The shock and grief really can overwhelm and for a long time I felt I couldn't think clearly. So I started by writing down my memories. At first it was just little things he used to do, jokes he used to tell, things he used to say, and things I wanted to tell him too. I wrote him letters. Then I found I was pouring out my feelings and using this as a way of thinking through issues, such as the anger or guilt grief can give you.  Now it is really helping me to have my answers to those issues written down because the same issues seem to come up time and again.  Grief sends me in circles sometimes.

Hi Debs, you are right brain tumours are so so cruel. My lovely smart, caring husband became like a confused toddler, it was heartbreaking to watch him disappear.

We do need to be strong for our kids, mine were really close to their dad and my daughter in particular is struggling with her grief. She was so strong for me in the beginning, helping me sort everything I think its catching up with her.

I have just taken my dog for a walk and must have looked like a mad women, walking along in the rain, dragging a little dog, sobbing and ranting at Mark.

It's all so so sad for all those left behind.

Sending you a hug. Ali x

Hi Dunlin,

I have just jumped online as the min I stopped watching crap tellie to close my eyes to sleep sadness overwhelmed me and I started to sob. Your post was the first I came across and oh my I could so relate to it. I lost my partner of 19 years just over 13 weeks ago and like you said, I struggle every single day. Some days not so much and then other days am inconsolable and I just don’t want to be here. I am so fed up of people saying it will get easier.....I don’t see that.

I have been thinking about writing things down as I am getting panicky that I will forget things as I just don’t seem to have the ability to concentrate on anything. You use the word ‘overwhelm’ good choice as that is exactly how it feels. Likewise your comment ‘grief sends me round in circles’ 

My children get upset when I say I feel there is nothing for me without my partner.  I can’t make them understand the total desolation I feel. They seem to think I don’t love them by saying it. Of course I love them but it’s different. They are grown up with their own families.... the loss of that Person who knows you like nobody else is  indescribable, painful beyond imagination. I feel like I am just biding time till we can be together again. 

late night ramblings!! Sorry one and all 

Totally lost it today, trying to clean and ended up curled up on the floor sobbing like a baby. Everything seems worthless without my Bob. This is the worse I’ve been since he died and the funeral. I’m not brave  and it’s cruel and unfair. What’s the point of anything!

Sheila x

Hi Sheila,

words are just so useless at times like this.....I totally understand how you feel and that worthlessness if everything. All I can say is that writing things on this site helps.....we know that people go through what we do daily...losing a loved one, but hearing and reading does help.....the up and down rollercoaster ride is exhausting, draining and sometimes beyond limits....hang in there Sheila ....we are all in this horrendous nightmare! 

xx sandra