Does it get any easier

Hi Billythedog

i feel your pain, like you my darling husband didn’t die a peaceful death like you see on tv but someone told me those with a big soul go out with a struggle but at least I was in bed with him alone and was able to hold him so for this I don’t have nightmares.

everyone tells me I’m strong and doing well but I don’t feel like this at all. Moist of the time I look and feel like a wreck. I’m back at work as I have a mortgage and bills to pay on my own now so as much as I would like to say stuff everything I can’t! I feel resentful that I’m left having to do this without the rewards of being able to plan future thing together ie holidays.

i have a big family that are marvellous but at the end of the day I’m home alone and sad lonely and empty inside. Every Monday I give myself a talking to but so far it’s not worked. I’m now 5 weeks into this grieving process and omg it is so bloody hard and I’m getting angry as to why they have taken away my husband and best friend.

sheila x

Sheila,

5 weeks is such a short time. Grief will take it's time and right now for you it will be hard.

I'm at 7 months, for a long time I couldnt see a way through the grief the hurt and the loneliness.

The big change for me is the anger I was angry bitter, why her? Having been with her all my adult life, over 50 years, the most difficult thing was doing so much on my own for the first time in forever.

I've realised and partially accepted that much of my old life is gone, along with a great part of who I am or was.

The emptiness and loneliness is the hardest, but slowly I am doing more. The quiet house is difficult. From reading others experience of passing I think I had a better experience, she lasted 3.5 months from diagnosis, and we did everything we could in that short time. I looked after her at home mainly on my own. She became weaker but with little pain. We managed one big holiday whilst she was still able but spent time in Europe, me pushing her in a wheelchair, and attending her every need towards the end. She passed peacefully at home, with 3 of our 4 adult children and myself around. She spared me the pain of the moment of death, I had gone out of the room and returning a few minutes later she had taken her last breath with two of our children holding her hands.

I still talk to her every day, in many ways as others have commented, i somehow feel I love her as much now as the day we met.

It is hard but each in our own way will learn to cope, I can do things like cooking I never imagined I could.

Just take a step at a time live day to day and look after yourself, slowly some part of your grief will mellow. You will never forget, but a new normal will eventually become just that.

Hope things improve for those on here recently bereaved. It takes time and learn not to beat yourself up as there was probably little you could have done better than you did.

Gary. X

Shiela, I can’t offer you much comfort from my own experience but I am glad you posted. My wife of 37 years died of breast cancer on 16 January 2020 and we buried her on 10 February. I can only say that my experience has been very like yours. I have had wonderful support from family and friends but I am devastated. So you are certainly not alone 

hi Morville,

Thank you for taking time to respond. My Bob died on 17th January from Cancer df the unknown Primary and we both laid them to rest on same sad day 10th February so we are both in early days of this dreadful grieving process. For the first time this morning after spending 6 weeks sobbing I decided that the terrible disease of cancer had taken my Bob but I’m damned if I’m going to let it take me away also! Well that were my thoughts and I’ve been quite strong today but things usually change come the night time but I’m really going to try and I’m going to take my Bob on my onward journey of growing and getting stronger even if I give him a good laugh when I make my mistakes along the way.

Take care and keep going. Hour by hour one foot in front of the other.

Sheila x

Hi Sheila,

That's what I have been telling myself and telling others all along: We cannot allow this cancer to take not only our loved ones but also our lives because we are all here for a reason and when one of us is left behind, how sad would it be if we just give up on our one precious life? I certainly couldn't do it, even though it is sometimes so hard on my own and without Paul, but somehow there will be a way forward for us. How have you been feeling recently?

Love, Mel.

Dear all,

I hear the anger in some of your  posts. Cancer has taken away our loved one. However Cancer in respect of ourselves and our loss  will change us as individuals whether we accept that or not. We cannot fight it. We cannot win in a mental battle  against that vile disease that robbed our loved one from life or the affect its made on our lives. We are now different people. Yes we are.  Anger is a powerful emotion but its short lived as a defence  before once again we collapse in a heap of despair.Yet as I say this it reminds me of a very wise Saying I learnt and indeed experienced as a Facilitator in the Met Police,  No one can teach anybody anything.People have to decide to learn. I've learnt to accept that my sweet heart has passed away and in the physical form she isn't comming back.Yet she  continues to live in my heart and my soul. As such cancer never did win. As such I have no anger. I'm just a different person. 

Love and Light 

Geoff

Dear Jeff,

It's interesting how you interpreted what was said in the posts in this thread. Personally, I said what I said not because I feel I need to win over cancer when I can keep going and I am not saying what I am saying with anger. What I meant was that now that my loved one is no longer here and continues to live in my heart, I want to make sure that I do the best I can with the life I have left. Cancer has destroyed the life Paul and I wanted to continue to have for many more years and it took him; if I gave up on my own life now, it would be sad because I still have a life to live, I am still here, I think and hope there are still things I can do in this world. Sometimes I read posts here from people who say that now that there loved one is no longer with them they see no point in going forward, think life is pointless, would rather be dead than alive. And I used to feel like that myself. A couple of days after Paul's death, I was standing in our kitchen, holding an almost full bottle of Methadone that I hadn't brought back to the chemist yet in my hand and thought: If I drink the whole bottle, then I would be dead too. And this came from the despair I felt and the not knowing how to deal with the huge pain of my loss. Well, I am glad >I didn't drink the bottle. It would have been terrible because I would have been gone too and obviously it wasn't my time to go because I am still here. Does that make sense?

Love, Mel.

Hi Mel, I would like to put a reply to your post. I would just like to say you have hit the Nail on the head. With what you wrote from your heart is 100% how life is now, after we lost our Loved ones. We MOVE forward, no matter how hard it is. We still miss them and its always painful just thinking about that disease and how it affects us all. My way out would have been the Train Station and a Bottle of Whiskey. I thought about it also but something stopped me. I'm having a week in Skegness at the moment and have been walking along the beach at 6am going off at my Tina for how our lives were ended because of this disease.

All we can do is Remember our Loved ones and dedicate everything we do in our lives without them to them......

Be yourself and stay Strong

God Bless

John

Hi Mel 

I loved your heart felt reply which rang a lot of bells for me to. In the early weeks I even started researching the effects of hanging or poisonous plants but like you and Billythedog this phenominour passed months ago thank goodness.

The anger I made mention of I think hits us all at some time to a greater or lesser degree and it was this generalisation that I was referring to governing many posts I've read in the past. I suppose it was just another topic of conversation for folk to mull over. Any anger or frustration I felt after Anne's passing I seemed to direct to myself along with usual guilt trip that I should have done more. All this has gladly passed. In the meantime take care Mel.

Love and Light 

Geoff