Reflections. And so it goes on for a while.

Hi Geoff, 

I have read your posts and whilst I understand that alcohol can help take the pain away. It worries me. Ric had alcohol problems because of PTSD not helped by the cancer diagnosis. It was not nice to watch him drinking heavily and it does mar some memories. I loved him dearly and miss him terribly but I think your Anne would hate to see you suffering like this. I obviously don't know either of you but could you not try antidepressants and maybe try getting back into fishing a bit. Have you got a dog or something to care for to get a new purpose. It sounds like you would enjoy taking a dog out for a walk. Ric got a rescue cat before he died!! It did help him. Of course I have it now!!! 

I know I have been busy busy busy but that is my way of keeping going. I am not saying it is the best way but it works for me! I have booked a holiday. I need to look forward to something. You sound like you need to have a new purpose of course not to replace your lovely wife but for you. Be kind to yourself. Big hugs xxx

Dear Akela2516

Thank you so much for your reply. Everything you say resonates so much with me especially what you have shared about Ric  I've been on meds for over 30yrs for clinical depression and acute anxiety. And if your dear man Ric was still with us he could perhaps understand where Im coming from to. 

Despite the meds,  whether taken or not, alcohol  just simply takes us type of guys  to a place that helps us deny the hell we are experiencing. And yes: even though its going to ultimately destroy us.

But that doesn't worry us. Because all we are seeking is the end of the mental torment we are living with despite the overwhelming love we have for our most beloved. Yet  our hurt continues without relent. Is it genetic or is it that life dealt us a shit card?  Who knows .So I drink because it causes no one else  any harm. And  'Billy No Mate'  holidays are not for me. Holidays were all about Anne.  Dear Akela2516 Your post resonates with me. Maybe it's because I have an inkling of  where your dear Ric was coming from? Bless you. 

Love and Light 

Geoff

That is sad Geoff. I do understand what you are saying. Ric used to say the same but although he thought it did no harm it did to those who watched it and loved him! I knew why he did it but it was unpleasant and at times embarrassing. It is also not an ideal way to go!!! I only hope Ric had no pain the day he died because he had a relapse that day and drunk a fair amount! I am not blaming him for it in any way and I get why he drank and why he relapsed! And it doesn't really matter now and to be honest I am glad he is out of the pain and dignity from the cancer and not in torment from the PTSD which the oncologist just did not understand in the slightest! 

I hope you can somewhere get some help and support. I could easily have a drink most days but I do stop myself. It also makes me put on weight which I don't want to do. 

Have you any family? I am not going on holiday alone. We are going to Italy with my daughter. Promised by us both to celebrate her GCSES and prom. I have been looking forward to it for a while. We have had a tough couple of years with one thing and another. 

My first husband also had some mental health issues! I know the help and support in that direction is pretty limited. Do message me if it would help xxx

Dear all,

Jeff, I am so glad to see you still on here and hope you feel some comfort from sharing on this forum and to people who you know understand and I hope that reading other group members' experiences helps a little as well. I know how much Anne was your whole life and how little point you see in having to live the rest of your life without her now. But I am still thinking: Is there something you could do to make the last years of your life more enjoyable? Go fishing again? Continue getting out and about as you do but perhaps and as the spring comes in a little more and with other people? How about the family? Do you see them often and is that a meaningful connection still?

I don't want to sound harsh or flippened, like Pam said, but I do agree with her in suggesting that it is perhaps about a change of mindset. I mean, after all, it is up to us whether we spend our days in misery because our loved one is gone or whether we try to bring some light and light-ness back into our livees because they would want that and in a way we want that too, isn't it?

All of us who have written in this thread so far, including myself, seem to feel that they have lost the most important person in their life, their best friend, their soulmate, and all of us are forced to find a new normal somehow and even though we don't really want to because what we want is to have them still here with us. However, while it is impossible to have them back with us, it is possible I think to make the most of the life we now have. I simply cannot imagine that the only point you see in life for yourself now is to wait until the end of your life comes, Jeff. And I am sure this is not what your Anne - or in fact any of our late partners - would want for us.


Maybe it is too much to expect to be happy. But maybe we can come to some kind of acceptance of what is and build a life around our pain. Somebody, and I can't remember who, said once the from my point of view very true words that, over time, our life becomes bigger so that not the grief itself becomes smaller or less painful but so that the life around us can grow and therefore make the grief feel more bearable. I have found that to be so true for myself.

What is our purpose? A good question and one that I haven't been able to answer for myself and perhaps never will. I used to torment myself with feeling that there was no purpose now that Paul is gone. But then I spend time with a lovely friend who is down and manage to make her smile at the end of the evening or I let somebody have my seat on the bus or I write my blog on McMillan to share my experience with others or I do somebody a favour, and then I think: Hey, this is fulfilling a purpose somehow, isn't it? It's nothing bit and nothing overly important perhaps but it is a little thing or little things which made somebody's life a little better, and so I have now begun to not look for the grande purpose but just count the little things too. Maybe that could help some here too? It doesn't work all of the time but more and more.
Paul used to have mental health issues too. After a very difficult childhood and a life during which he felt that he was not important to anyone and not seen and heard and understood, he suffered with bouts of depression. He often told me that, on the day of his diagnosis in July of 2003, he left the hospital and thought with relief, "Now I am really sick and nobody can deny it." It's heart-breaking, isn't it? He had always been sickly, even as a child, but nobody had really taken that seriously because nobody had been that interested in him, but now he knew that his family would care at least in the sense that they would see him from now on as a sick person. His bouts of depression, his self-loathing, his thoughts of not deserving to be well and deserving to be loved became weaker the longer we were together. But, till the very end, he had moments when he said to me, "I think it is better for me to be dead." He was not a drinker but he, along with his depression or you can perhaps call it a symptom of it, had this chronic pain in the centre of his abdomen that could never been diagnosed and he spoke to the hospital about it loads so that they got him onto the palliative care team and they gave him Sevredol and later on MST Continous. I always felt it would be so much better to let us work the issues out and I often thought that love would fix it. But over the months he needed more and more of the stuff and I think in a way he was addicted to it too. Interestingly, in the days prior to his death, when he was in so much physical pain/liver pain, he didn't mention this chronic pain once which confirmed to me my view: He had this pain as an expression of his depression, in a way in order to feel himself perhaps... Anyway, that exploration would go too far now.

Paul did show me how important it is to be loved and to give love. And now that I can no longer give my love to him I feel I need to find other ways to bring what we had into the world.

Love, Mel.
       

Dear Cat,

I absolutely love your post and it brought tears to my eyes and I keep re-reading it. Every word you say resonates so much with me and I so much feel like you. Giving life my best shot, that's exactly it. And all the other things you said as well. Thank you so much.

Love, Mel.

Dear MelanieL and Akela2516

OH HOW I  thank you for the time and trouble it must have taken you both to share your feelings, experiences, and your thoughts to my original post.I love you dearly in the most respecfull of ways. Of course you are both right and thankfully to your good selves this is beginning to resonate with my feelings. On a positive I've always been a drinker and I don't know why but at least its always been beer. But Im in control as I've always been. OK sometimes a low strength beer and sometimes a high strength. BUT NEVER SPIRITS!  I'm a man that for some reason embraces the effects of alcohol.However  I do finally realise as a result of your embrassing posts that my Anne has gone for good in the material sense yet she still lives in my heart and soul and will do so for ever; bless her. Perhaps all of our loved ones were only lent to us for a set period of time. We all lived our lives before our darlings came to us and now they have passed to a higher dimension of life we have to continue as we did before on our journey through this strange and hurtful life. But as we know its so hard. So blooming hard. Yet I felt beyond the words that you both expressed feelings that resonated with me. And I thank you both again for your empathy and your insite and wisdom. BLESS YOU BOTH xx

Love and Light 

Geoff 

OMG ! I do apologise to everyone that responded to my post. I found myself responding to just two folk, MelanieL and Akela2516. I was overwhelmed with all the heart felt replies

Love and Light 

Geoff

Dear Jeff,

You are so welcome. I am so glad you have found our posts helpful. 

You wrote: "I do finally realise as a result of your embrassing posts that my Anne has gone for good in the material sense yet she still lives in my heart and soul and will do so for ever." You know, I think this shows so much how important this forum is and how invaluable our conversations are because only by talking through these thoughts and feelings we have on this journey can we finally come to some form of acceptance. We all need the conversations and others who remind us of how it is or give us an idea of a different perspective we may take. And of course this is never a linear process; I could be writing to you tomorrow and express some very difficult feelings and then I would rely on you to remind me that, while Paul is gone forever, he is and will always be in my heart and remain the person who has shaped my life and has made me into who I am today, the most important person in my life.

You wrote: "Perhaps all of our loved ones were only lent to us for a set period of time." Yes I think so. It's like we were allowed to take a certain part of life's journey with them but, ultimately, it was two lives coming together and having to part again when one of us had to move on. 

And then you wrote that we all lived our lives before our loved ones came to us and now they have passed to a higher dimension of life and we have to continue as we did before on our journey through this strange and hurtful life. I feel exactly the same. And I feel it is important that we are able to remember our life before our loved ones were with us because this can help us in the most difficult situations, when we feel discouraged and unsure of whether we can do this on our own, to know that we already did - even though this may be a long long time ago.

And, finally, I am glad that it's only beer you are drinking and that you feel in control of the situation. As I said here before, I, too, drink more now than I used to when Paul was still here. I try to only drink at weekends but, for the past couple of days for example, I had a gin and tonic or two every night before going to bed. But, like you Jeff, I feel in control of the situation and way too afraid to become an alcoholic to let control go.

Love, Mel.

Geoff, 

I do not critise you in the least, please don't think that. We all have our coping strategies. I am glad it is beer. My husband would visit Mr Grouse and I hated that! 

I do drink too but try to restrict it but I succumbed last night to s G and T!!! 

I do think you would benefit from some company and I don't mean female as you can not replace Anne but a pet. It is something to talk to and care for. Xx