Reflections. And so it goes on for a while.

Hi Geoff, it's so tough. I don't want to sound flippant or as if I'm blackmailing you but I don't think Anne would like you to feel as you do. I read an article on depression that said we have to retrain ourselves to o be happy. You would, it seem, appear to be doing the right things by getting out and doing things that once made you happy. You may not want to do them or enjoy them but they say we should do them anyway as in time we will enjoy them again. I guess it's about changing mindset.

I won't say anymore because I'm aware you probably think I'm talking rubbish but I just wanted to reply and let you know I'm thinking of you. Any progress on the cat? 

Pam x

Hi Geoff,

Just writing to say I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Wish I could say something to make you feel better but I'm afraid I don't. Hope you'll find a little comfort in knowing that there are people in the world who hear and share your pain. I started crying on the phone to my sister this evening. She said she wished she could take away the suffering. For sure, we'd love to do that for one another but ...

I no longer know what purpose means. Life has its own plans for us, it would seem.

morning Geoff

There really isn't anything I can say to make you feel better, I'm glad you posted I missed hearing from you.

I hope today you find something to make you smile, any news on getting a companion? 

Geoff, I really don't know what to say. There is nothing that would make you feel better. I am so so sad that you feel that way about your life, but I suppose it's something we just have to go through.

I'm glad you're still posting and I replied so you know people are reading them and thinking of you.

Love and hugs. Ali x

Hi Geoff, forgive me if I sounded uncaring, I have this sometimes unreasonable desire to find solutions to problems. I'm sure you just want to know people are caring and thinking of you. PamX

Hi Geoff , I am afraid I must agree hole hearted with you l I also have a life without purpose or direction,hobbies and interests are a thing of the past. And I always have a good supply of beer in. I have just started giving the house a good clean polishing and hoovering just as Winnie would like it. But I keep thinking why am I doing it , but I suppose it helps me in some way. 
you are also right when you say the spark of life has gone. I find now I am glad when the day is over and I can go to bed. But then I have to go through it all again tomorrow. I know people say try and be happy , that was some of Winnie’s last words as well “ please be happy “ but that is a lot easier said than done. I put on the brave face when out. But back at home it’s not that easy. 
like you Winnie was the reason I lived. Now I only have her memories to live for. But it’s not the same. 
I hope none of you get flooded with this weather. 
Mike. 

When I read this post I thought, "Me too. That's how I feel every single day." I lost my Steve last November, and I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. I can't find the words to express my grief and how much I miss him. The grief is with me the moment I wake until the moment that sheer exhaustion eventually grants me sleep. Every day is a struggle to pick myself up and get on with things. I bottle it all up when I am at work, and put on a brave face. I can even laugh and joke, but it is fake laughter. But when my guard is down the slightest thing may trigger a memory and tears. I struggle with feeling despair and lack of purpose, too.

Having said that, I would like to share how I've been trying to deal with these thoughts in the hope that something of what I say may give you encouragement.  For me, I know Steve would want me to be happy and try to enjoy life and find some meaning in it. I would want that for him, had he survived me. When you love somebody you want them to be happy first and foremost. Sometimes I feel guilty too for even thinking about being happy without Steve here. But he wouldn't want me to feel guilt either. Maybe being happy is a bit of a tall order at the moment (can we make ourselves happy or does happiness just happen to us?), but getting back some enjoyment and pleasure out of life, and perhaps even finding something to honour their memory, is a start. I don't think my Steve is gone; I think he is somewhere, and if so I want him to see me giving life my best shot in the circumstances for his sake and mine. I haven't left him behind; I believe I'm moving towards him one day at a time. The connection is not broken. Since I'm here for now, I think the best way to honour Steve's memory and all he has done for me is to grasp hold of life.

What a thoughtful post. 

I too am struggling to believe I will ever be happy again, most days I get by, doing the essentials but there is no joy. 

I'm thinking of replacing all the downstairs carpets as they really need doing. What a big task. On the one hand I'm quite excited for it all to be nice and new, but my Rob isn't here to see the changes I'm making, and on the other hand I can't summon up any enthusiasm to choose anything new, think about emptying the rooms on my own, what a hassle. So I think what's the point who am I doing it for, who cares if my carpet is passed its best. 

I fact today as I was emptying a cupboard incase I do decide to go ahead I found our honeymoon photos which were lovely but I had no one to say hey look at these to so I cried and have had to stop what I was doing. 

It's a very bumpy journey just now. 

Hi Ruby Diamond,

Sorry you're on a bumpy road right now. 

I totally understand your feelings about changing things. It's hard making decisions on your own and then like you say, there's all the practicalities to think about. If you have a Tapi carpets locally, I'm told they will move the furniture for you.

I find it difficult having responsibility for everything now, I'm hoping it gets easier with practice! I've had some work done on the outside of the house last year and am thinking of getting a new front door this year, I think I'm going to try to do one thing each year, hopefully that will keep things up to date. 

I'm sure things will get better for us in time, in the meantime I guess we just need to keep going. I know our husbands would want us to be happy, but we have to find a new way. It's hard to see how, isn't it? I underestimated how long it was going to take - thought I'd be sorted by now, how naive!

Perhaps we spend too much time looking at the bigger picture, rather than just trying to make the most of each day? I think I do.

Hope you have a less bumpy week x

Dear All

I've read everyone of your responces and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for you too sharing your individual stories and struggles. From a personal point of view I know I'm drinking too much. Using alcohol as a means of escape. But thank goodness its just beer and not spirits. Spirits are the slippery slope to acute alcoholism and I certainly don't want to undergo that journey. My best mate did that just after retiring from the Met Police and it took him to hell and back. He was the perfect well spoken gentleman just like Inspector Morse in the TV series. Sadly he and his wife split up and John was living on the streets before finally succumbing to a massive stroke aged 63 where  he died in a medical home.  I wonder why I needed to tell you this? ? Perhaps it's because I've seen a lot of death in my lifetime. But losing my sweet Anne is like nothing I've ever had to deal with before. Thus that wise old Saying ' Experience is the greatest authority.'  Keep posting my friends. I read everyone as they give me a measure of comfort that what I'm experiencing isn't unique just to me. In other words I'm not going insane.

Love and Light 

Geoff x