Picking up the pieces

Dear WifeOf26years 

What an inspiring, soul searching,  and beautiful message you sent us all. Thank you so much for putting into words feelings that I couldnt, and perhaps many of us couldn't also . x 

Love and Light 

Geoff

How do we pick up the pieces? I know no-one can answer that because it's all so personal and we're all different individuals. I've been reading It's Okay that You're not Okay and near the end, the author reitifies, just as you said, Wifeof26, that we're no longer the same people we were before our losses and we have to figure out what parts of us have not been blasted away. And that's the hard part: not knowing who I am without my husband; not knowing what part of me remains. I read your email earlier today and, for some reason, the aside that you wrote "(it's the cancer)" made me think that the cancer didn't only kill my husband. It didn't end there; it's eroded my life. From what everyone says, we carry this loss and pain with us; there'll always be sadness in us. How do we live with this sadness for years and years to come? Do we forget, does it eventually go away? I didn't believe the raw pain at the beginning could ever end but it has. This sadness, this dull pain, though, just seems to have settled. It's as if someone has thrown a thick woollen blanket over me, head and all. Does this make sense? 

Forgive me for being so depressing but this has been bothering me

Hi Limbo and all,

I don't find your post depressing at all to be honest. It describes very well the situation as it is now for so many of us. Our lives have changed dramatically because cancer has taken our loved ones and has therefore changed our life forever. And, yes, the raw pain has gone but there is this underlying feeling of sadness and pain, sometimes I feel it more, sometimes a little less, but it is never far away.

Love, Mel.

Hi Wife0f26years and all,

Wow that was such a beautiful post and you put into words very beautifully how I feel as well.

I don't even want to write anymore in response to your message as it really said it all.

Love and hugs, Mel.

Hello Wife0f26years,

Thank you for your post, it has prompted me to think really hard about what has been floating through my mind for the last few months. In a few days it will be 3 and a half years since I lost my husband and I too have begun to feel that I need, as you say, to pick up the pieces.

 I read the heart-breaking post and remember easily how I felt in those early days, the overwhelming grief that made you feel like you couldn’t even breathe, and I know in some ways I have come a long way. Our cancer journey was much shorter than yours, less than two years from diagnosis to the end, but like you the suffering and deterioration couldn’t go on. How both our boys (our youngest was only 15 at the time), and I limped through those early times I will never know. Over time I have watched my boys healing and we are able to talk about their Dad and laugh at the good memories. I know my husband would be so proud of them, how they have grown and the plans they have for their futures.

As a family, either together or separately, we have all enjoyed good times with family and friends and, as you say, time moves forward, but on a deeper and personal level I know in a lot of ways I have just been treading water. I am still only 52 and I know I need to learn to swim again, but God that is so hard without him. He fought so hard to stay with us and live, and I know he wanted me to have a full and happy life, not a half-life. All his belongings are where he had left them and I still cannot use the word “died” in relation to my husband. I say he has passed or I have lost him, why is that, why can’t I say my husband has died?

 Between Christmas and New Year I decided to go through his clothes and have parted with 90% of them. Three and a half years of leaving his trousers over the back of a bedroom chair because that’s where he left them, had to stop. It was hard but it is much easier than the job of putting my soul back together. I’m not rushing to change everything, his ashes still sit on his bedside cabinet, but I need to stop treading water and I know it’s not going to be easy and it’s going to take time.

I agree with you when you say you will never be the same “me”, I know I won’t. I was just 17 when he first kissed me and I know it will be a me, that carries him with me whatever happens and wherever I go, but I think with 15 years of working life and hopefully a good 10-15 years of retirement ahead of me I need to start working on living a full life that will carry me through after my boys leave home. I am working up the courage to book a proper holiday on my own and do some of the travelling we had both wanted to do and I have started to look at evening classes to learn a new skill, and as I write this I can hear him inside me saying “Do it, just do it”.

I hope that you, and everyone on this site, in your own time, finds the “glue” that will begin to help you put yourself back together.

 x

Hi Limbo,

I was pleased you replied and many others. 

I just felt it was the time for me almost like I was allowing myself. Last year I started with visiting English hertitage places, we were at home or close to home before my husband passed. So I decided to look at one thing I might enjoy. 

When you're caring for your loved one it's so all consuming and just a life few can understand. It depends entirely on you but I do get What you said about a heavy blanket.

I can't tell you about years ahead I can't look that far. However my daughter is growing up and I'm excited to see her path. Take care of yourself and follow your own timings were all different, but all on this forum together xxx

Hi Fluttering,

That point you said about treading water was so how I felt. I'm pleased you did some sorting out and are thinking of new possibilities (holiday?!) 

What was lovely was your mention of talking laughing about memories,  (especially your first kiss) also being proud of your boys. I felt that was so important with my daughter too. 

It's weird you say passing, me too, died is a very harsh word final, which I know is ridiculous.  

I'm guessing you'll do things when your ready. It may be strange and you may not be sure I'm hoping to go away with friends this year. Alone is not in the plan yet. Take care xxx

Thankyou Mel 

I've often really appreciated your posts too there's so much depth and insight. Xxx

Sorry meant Flutterbug  spell check can be great no offence meant!

Hi Flutterbug,

That was such a beautiful post you wrote. It resonated in so many ways with me.

It is almost three and a half years for you, almost two years for me.

I too remember the early days when the grief and pain were so intense that it was hard to breathe and when the thought of having to live my life without him no wwas unbearable.

And I too feel that with the years I have ahead of me I need to try and live my life as best I can and Paul would very much want me to.

I think we have grown a lot from those first weeks and months of intense grief to a situation where we can be okay with life now. For example, I remember a time when the thought of having to have a future without Paul made me physically sick: nausea, weakness, sweating... Nowadays, this doesn't happen anymore. Mind you I still don't like to think too much about the future, but I don't dread the thought or the future as such.

Most of Paul's belongings are exactly where they used to be. I haven't moved his clothes out of the wardrobe. And there are two shirts and one jumper always on the top of the closed washing basket and they still smell very faintly of him and I could never ever wash them. But, as you say, the time will probably come when I will take them away from their place - when I don't know.

Paul's books are still on the book shelf and, even though my mum has suggested to me on many occasions to perhaps get rid of some of them, I can't do it. They belong there because this was, and still is, Paul's house too.

I can say "Paul has died" or "Paul died two years ago" without it upsetting me more than saying "Paul passed away". I agree, though, I too find that

"died" sounds more harsh than "passed away".

Well done on looking at holidays and evening classes. I was on holidays five months after Paul's death. I visited my brother in Malysia. And it was good to get away and be somewhere completely different. When I came back, I didn't feel so stuck in the memories of the last couple of days together but more able to think of the good times from earlier. Everything seemed to have more perspective. I hope you will enjoy a holiday soon. I too have been looking at evening classes. I really want to do something to be out of the house and with other people at least one evening per week. I am looking into running as well. As a blind person I will need someone with whom I can run, a companion, but I think I will find someone in the Park Run.

Love, Mel.