JUST LOST MY DARLING HUSBAND SO YOUNG

Hi Sheilaj,

So sorry for your loss. My husband was also 64 when he died and we'd been married for 22 1/2 years. We all know how horrible it is. We feel as though we didn't have enough time with our spouses or partners and it's just so painful. We know that we had to let them go because of this dreadful disease but it doesn't bring us much comfort after they've gone, does it? I'm sure you'll write a beautiful eulogy. You might want to get input from the other members of your family. Maybe that will help you. Or, if you prefer to do it on your own, that's also your right and privilege. Everything you're feeling is normal; you're not going crazy. Grief is crazy; death is traumatic. What else can we do but sob? I started reading It's Okay that You're not Okay this weekend and wish I'd had it in the early days. It's a little over a year for me so some of the deep anguish has abated. I still find it helpful and reassuring. Some people find it depressing but I like the author's honesty and emotion. In some of the later chapters, she does give some ideas as to how to ease the pain but it's all so fresh and raw for you that you probably just need to cry, then cry some more. It's a gruelling experience. Just do whatever feels right for you.

Love and hugs. 

Afternoon Sheilaj,

I know exactly what you mean. I lost my beloved wife of 35 years on Nov 17 2019. Its still very raw and incredibly hard, I have just joined this group as I am not finding things are getting easier and hopefully participating in discussion groups might help. 

I agree with virtually all that has been said before on this thread, I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and experiences different emotions. I find that even when I am experiencing a "better day" - I dont think I have good ones yet , I break down with no prior warning.

I have no children and my family are miles away so I really struggled in the build up to my wife's send off and like you was determined to write and perform her eulogy , i called it a tribute. I left a piece of paper in every room in the house so that whenever I recalled a memory , story or moment I wanted to include I was able to write it down. I ended up with so many I couldnt include them all. Don't rush it in case you forget something , I didnt write my wife's until 4 days before

Tru and include some amusing annecdote, image or habit that your husband had early on as it will relax the congregation and more importantly. I found it incredibly tough but just take your time, a pause to you might seem like forever but it wont seem like that to those you are speaking to.

Finally another trick I used, I wore a Southampton football scarf - My wife's Team - and said at the start of my tribute that if I was finding things tough and needed a few seconds to compose myself I would hold the scarf up...there was my first connection with the congregation and relaxed everyone immediately.

I hope my first post on here is useful, if it has I am so pleased to have been able to help..

Gary

Sheilaj, I feel your pain, and I'm sorry you have lost your Beloved Husband. My wife Tina passed away on the 18th December 2019 and I have been through what you are experiencing now. My whole world has come crashing down like yours but all we can try and do is remember all the Happy times that we shared with our Loved one. You will manage to get the Eulogy done just keep a notebook to hand and write little things down. My wifes funeral was 27 days after her passing and the wait drove me insane but we managed to give her a Lovely Celebration of Her Life. 

We will struggle from time to time because it looks like an enormous stairway to climb, but we do it step by step. Just be strong, Cry when you want and then chuckle at the happy times.

Take Care and God Bless

John

Hello Sheilaj

May I start by offering my deepest condolence for the sad loss of your dear husband..

The additional wait you are enduring before his funeral must be very difficult as you feel is delaying the first stages of closure. 

As for the eulogy don’t overthink it...in time, and the right time the words will just flood into your thoughts, and they will be the perfect description of your memories and the love you feel for your husband..

I have often used music to both express grief and loss, and to comfort me. Since my diagnosis I have used reiki music or deep relaxation  music, in times of my deepest distress...within moments my breathing is back in control and the anxiety is under control. Moments later I’m asleep. 

There are lots of versions out their on you tube...here is one 

https://youtu.be/jmw7E8TS2lI    

Another way to help you through this most difficult time is called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)  or another term for it is “Tapping”   Once again you get links and demonstrations on how to do this on You Tube...

this look a bit odd and a bit new age....but it really works I do a practitioner course last year at work and I seriously vouch for it....but it’s like everything practice makes perfect....

i remember going down for my mastectomy operation, and a junior dr asked what I was doing.....I told her....

in recovery she said moments prior to the anaesthetic being administered my blood pressure dropped and my heart rate slowed right down...and she asked me to write down what I told her earlier...

SheilaJ , there just ideas to help you through this tragically sad time, and all I wish you is peace and future happiness in your life

kind regards

D

Hi Mel,

Thank you for your beautiful reply. I will try and take on board everyone’s kind advice. It’s my darling Bobs funeral on Monday and I have finally finished the eulogy and even if I say so myself I’m pleased with it. I find the tears in the day can hit me at any time but I find nighttime’s the hardest and as soon as I get into bed I sob and sob until I fall asleep. It’s the finality of it all I find so hard and as yet I can’t touch or move anything of his. My heart seems to beat out of my chest and an irregular beat at times so I don’t think I’m doing too well. No idea how I will get through the funeral!

Many thanks

Sheila

Hi Sheliaj

I am so sorry for your loss, which sounds such an insignificant few words for what you are feeling, but like all on here truly mean it and know exactly how you are feeling.

I lost my beautiful husband on 13th Jan 2020 and had his funeral on 4th February, the wait was very hard and the nearer it got the worse I felt, but when it came to it everything came together and we had a beautiful day.

My husband was 63 and it just doesn’t seem fair does it.  I know there is a tough time ahead, but what I have found really helpful is to have a piece of paper with 3 days of the week in columns across the top which tells me what I am doing each day. Even if Monday says have a shower and get up before 10 it is something to work with and it means I am not living each day so lost and have a bit of structure.

It does feel like I am having to learn all over again, even with the simple tasks.  I keep asking what day it is and then my next line is so what day is it tomorrow?

Grief is such a wretched thing and I think we shut down to protect ourselves, but I know I will be fine and I am sure you will be too. Your eulogy will be perfect and how brave of you to do this as I passed it on to someone else because it was a mountain I didn’t feel I could climb.

One day at a time try and find comfort in the fact you are not alone and everyone is here for you.

Rax x 

Hi rax

we have a lot in common lost our hisbands at a similar time and a similar age my bobs funeral is Monday. Eulogy is written and I think it’s beautiful but I’m stressing out about how I can get through the funeral. I am lost and not with it but it’s the constant crying that i find is hard I just can’t stop sobbing for the future we’ve lost and someone to speak to. How will this ever get better I keep asking myself! Why is life so cruel!!!!!

sheila

We really do have a lot in common although it also feels like I am the only person in the world that this is happening to, friends and family are wonderful, but have their lives too and I feel mine has stopped in a way.

It is a comfort to know other people are going through the same as it can feel like you are going mad. 

You will get through the funeral and it’s natural to have those thought and anxieties.  I had all sorts of worries, but my friend said to me if that happens it doesn’t matter as everyone here loves you and will take no notice. That gave me some comfort. My other friend said the worst has happened I had already lost Grahame which made me think a bit differently about the funeral too. I guess what I am saying is that whatever you to at your Bobs funeral everyone will understand and be there to hold you up and I  sure it will be a wonderful and fitting service and he would be proud of you.

Life is cruel and none of us ever expect this to happen to us, the desperation that is felt for our loved ones who have gone is indescribable, but we will all get there and some days will be better than others. Work on an hour at a time and it’s good to cry (although totally exhausting)

I will be thinking of you on Monday 

Rax x 

Hi, 

You do get through the funeral because you have to!!! A lot of planning and care goes in to it and whosh it is gone in a flash! You don't notice everything aroundgoing on somehow but I like to think it was my way of spoiling him one last time and giving him everything he wanted and more. 

As a nurse I have always felt that looking after someone at the end is the last thing you can do for someone so do it well. Thinking of you Monday xxx

Seho