Not feeling too bad??

Hi

I can relate to every thing you have said. My husband passed on the 8th October one week after our 53rd Wedding Anniversary

I go days without feeling sad or shedding a few tear's, then from nowhere.the tears start to flow, which i have had the whole weekend. I also had a water leak which i have never ever had to try and sort out that was his department, and i was cursing him, which sounds awful.

I loved him from the moment we meet to the very end, and i like you would have thought i would be in pieces every day.

He knew me that well that he knew i would be able to cope with what ever emoticons came my way ad that is what i think i have been doing.

I miss his smile, his jokes, winding me up, the laughter between us, the house is so quiet. Life goes on and we have to try and pick up the pieces that is what our partners would want

Take Care Elliexx

"You Never  Walk A Lone"

Thank you Ellie. That’s really reassuring and I’m grateful to you for sharing that. I hope you’re feeling better than you did at the weekend. I completely get the water leak scenario. That would’ve been Mike’s department too, along with reassuring me that it would all be ok ( I have a long-standing anxiety  about flooding, leaking roofs, burst pipes etc which he would tease me about but also understood. I miss that level of someone knowing me and ‘getting’ me). I hope you’ve found a nice plumber. I’m having some decorating done at the moment. It feels weird to be totally in charge of that as well. As you say, life goes on and I’m determined to try and make a good life for myself alone. I’m only 58 so might have another 30 years on this earth. 

Hi

Life does go on  , washing has to be done, bills have to be paid shopping has to be got, every else carries on. 

You are only young and and you will make a good life, though slightly different to the one you had, but one we will not forget.

I am still struggling to sort out all the paper work, he did all of that but i am getting there, one day at a time.

We always made decision's together  now its a new role we have., as you say totally in charge seem's funny, but true.

Been  good   reading your threads, and there is nothing wrong with you every one is different, and grief and how we deal with it is unique to each and every one.

Take Care Ellie xx

"You Never Walk A Lone"

Take Care Ellie xx

Hi Alison. No there is definitely nothing wrong with you , we all grieve in different ways. My wife died in July ( 43 years). Sometimes I have good days and sometimes bad days. I am sure your husband wouldn’t want you to be sad all the time, in these early days you are bound to feel mixed emotions as it is the most traumatic thing that can ever happen to you. One of the last things my wife said to me was 

“please be happy “that’s a lot easier said than done although I never stop thinking about her and still love her as much as ever. Some days are easier than others. I think the worst part now is the loneliness.

please don’t feel guilty or bad , you loved your husband with all your hart and he knows that. 

Take care Alison. 

Mike 

Hi my wife passed June I miss her every day some days I have a meltdown other days just thinking about her sad but not tearfull so no you are no different from most of us here it is part of losing someone you have loved for a long time 

Hi Alison, 

I have learnt to with the flow. Grief is not linear. Most people would say I have a positive outlook, which I do. Just because I have many days where I am okay; it does not mean I don't miss Richard or love him any less. 

I have had moments of utter brokeness after the initial stage where I thought I was okay -  you just don't know when and how it is going to hit you. I am still learning to be more kind to myself. That is the best advice I got from here very early on.

The other great thing about this group, is that we move with each other through our respective bereavement, without judgement. You are not alone in how you are feeling....

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hi All, 

I agree, that we all have better and bad days.

My husband died in July and today, when I was at work, I suddenly felt, that horrible feeling, when something is squeezing my chest, my throat. I couldn't cry, couldn't say anything. I walked out the office and found a place, where I was sitting behind a screen for a while just looking into nowhere. Then I returned to my desk and it took me a little while, when I slowly started doing my job again. But the tension inside me was terrible. 

We just don't know, when the grief attack strikes. One minute we think, we are doing OK and then it hits. 

I have come across this today and I find it very true

'LOSING YOU WAS PAINFUL, 

BUT THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE

IS LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU'

Take care All

Andrea xx

Hi Alison,

In my experience, this is exactly how it is. And I was relieved to read that there is somebody else here who experiences their grief like that.

Paul died in May of 2018. And it has always been like this for me, even in the early days. Even though in the very early days there were more times of disbelief that he was gone and deep sadness. But for a long time now it has been exactly as you describe: I go for days or weeks feeling okay, I am eating well, have energy and motivation to do all the things that need to be done (work, house work, shopping, etc.), I even socialise with friends until, out of the blue, I feel really sad and low in energy and as if I cannot, and don't want to, cope with this life without my husband in it. But those low moments are few.

I, too, of course have felt guilty at times. Or I don't know if "guilty" is the right word. But I have certainly asked myself whether all this means that I didn't love Paul very much. Only yesterday, while I was in work, I thought of our first apartment and how we used to go to bed together at night and Paul would read a book to me that we both wanted to read, and I felt a pang of deep sadness but it felt more like nostalgia and not so much like an acute sense of "there it is what I have lost".

I don't think that the way we feel now is a reflection on how much we love, or have loved, our partners. In fact, maybe our way of living our grief is a sign that we have been processing it quite well and that that processing is what helps us to, yes, be sad and lonely at times, but to over all live our life because we know that moving forward is the only option. As you say, we may still have a lot of life to live, I simply would not want my life to be over at the age of 37 or your life to be over at the age of 58 or anybody's life to be over because, tragically, their partner had to leave them early. Death is part of this life. And the pain that comes with that is part of this life too. And I really feel that knowing this and having contemplated that a lot has helped. We do need to move forward. And that's what you seem to be doing and I seem to be doing.

So, in answer to your question: I don't think that there is anything wrong.

Also, it is early days for you and feelings change all the time.

Love, Mel.

Hi Ellie and all,

You wrote: "I think he knew me so well that he knew I would be able to cope..."

I think Paul knew too that I would be able to cope. He loved me and trusted me and knew I would be strong enough; I had been strong enough for him and for both of us during his illness and now I would be able to be strong for myself.

Maybe the reason why we are not in pieces is because we know that life and death only ever come together, youcan't have life without death, eventually and inevitably life is going to end for every single one of us. Personally, I feel that it is this understanding of death as an integral part of this life which has made coping a little easier.

What also helps is to know that, if it had been the other way around, I think it would have broken Paul. I was the first person with whom he felt safe enough to share his life - his words not mine - and he often said to me that I was the only reason for him to be alive. I know that sounds a little dramatic but that was what he felt. So if I had gone before him, it would have been absolutely heart-breaking for him. Paul was very strong in many ways. But I don't think he would have been strong enough for this somehow. And I hate to think how he would have dealt with his illness getting worse on his own. I am so grateful to have been there.

Love, Mel.

Hi Mel I totally agree if I had gone first my wife would have coped still very sad but would have been able to function I on the other hand am like your Paul struggling but I'm also greatfull that she was not left on her own and I know one day I will be with her again