Nearly a year on...

Hi everyone,

Sorry I am coming in on this thread quite late and for some reason I wasn't aable to read all the posts back to the beginning.

My husband's anniversary was on 15th May. I didn't make any decisions whatsoever about what I would do and whom I would see. What happened then was that I spent a lot of time at home quietly reflecting, but not on his death but on the lovely times we had together. I went for a quick walk with my friend Maureen as well. And I spoke to family and friends in the evening. But I felt it was very important to me not to speak about Paul's death or about my sadness but only of our good times. Actually, it was a good day in that way.

I think it is important that we do whatever feels right to us on the day.

Love, Mel.

Hi everyone,

I feel as though I'm back to square one. The 1st anniversary is coming up and I just find myself crying all the time. A friend of mine is coming to spend time with me and we'll be travelling together - going on that trip that my husband and I had planned and had to cancel when he was diagnosed 2 years ago. I have conflicting feelings. I can count the number of friends I have on one hand (and they probably don't amount to 5). This friend is a man whom I know has feelings for me but I don't want anything more than friendship - just companionship to travel from time to time, which I have said to him. The fact that he's coming is actually making me sad, as though he was getting to enjoy the region more than my husband and I did together. I told him I needed time alone on the 20th, to do what I have to do, be how I want to be. I feel like a mess. He's travelling thousands of miles to come and see me and all I can do is cry and feel like an ungrateful wretch. Just needed to get this out of my system.

Hi Limbo,

Everything you say I get it. More so, I feel exactly the same, at the similar timings to you. The intensity of it mirrors the very early days!

I too have someone interested in me and whilst I enjoy his company I don't feel comfortable taking it further. It is kind of awkward at the moment - I want the companionship but also don't want to start anything from a vulnerable place. It just does not feel right because of how I am feeling at the moment.

I am hesitant to make plans, like you I don't know how I will be on the day. So far my plan is to go for a walk in the afternoon alone. It may just be the only plan I make.

Its good to get it out of your system, which is what I was doing when I started this post.

It is such a conflicting time....urgh! I think the people around us will understand. 

Take care of yourself,

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hi Dutsie,

Thanks so much for your reply. I was feeling terrible when I wrote my last post. I share things here that I don't share with people I've known for years. I'm so afraid of being judged or of people thinking I've forgotten my husband or that I didn't really love him. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's only when you've experienced the death of your spouse can you realize how complex everything is: our emotions, our loneliness, our need for true friendship. Nothing will ever be black and white again. 

This friend I spoke about came earlier this year in May and I've only just realized that my sister never told her husband as though she felt she had to hide that for me. I'm not ashamed of anything and I have nothing to be ashamed about. It just goes to show how, even when people have our best interest at heart, they're judging in one way or another. I didn't tell her anything. I just played dumb but was taken aback, in reality. People tend to feel better when they know you're alone and crying by yourself. The grieving widow or widower must have no respite. From my third month, things became really hard and I was happy to have some company, although it was no joyride.

Sorry for ranting. I'm just so confused right now.

HI Limbo,

Ditto...you express exactly how I feel. I don't normally care what other people think, as long as my actions are not hurting them, but I am afraid of being judged. Not here though.

The other side of me is that we do need to embrace change and seek a different kind of happiness, whether that is meeting someone else or not. Its just about having that confidence to do what is right for ourselves, is how I see it.

A big part of my life is lost which includes my identity. Feeling lost sometimes makes it hard to make choices when you don't even know yourself anymore. No wonder we are confused!

There have been lots of moments when people have said things and I have kept quiet. I have learnt not to react and try to let it not bother me (the hard bit). I am more mindful of my own actions and that's all that really counts...

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

I don't even know if I'm actually making conscious decisions or if I'm just being pushed and shoved in different directions. There is one thing I think I truly want to do and that is to take a sabbatical year next year. I should have already applied but I didn't go through with it because I figured it would have been too complicated to organize and I can't handle anything too much out of the ordinary right now. I really just want to to retreat from the world. It may be cowardly of me but nothing has the same value or importance as before. When my husband died, I think I went a little bit beserk. I bought myself new clothes and jewellery and I wanted to look and feel beautiful. Maybe it was the strain of the past year and a half that I wanted to shake off. Now, I don't know when last I bought myself anything and I don't care. I've basically lost interest in life, I think. You're right, Dutsie, we need to embrace change but, for the moment, I'm just hoping people will understand that  all I need is a good, solid shoulder to lean on from time to time. I can't offer a lot right now and am just trying to figure out who the hell I am and what I want. I know what I don't want, though. I guess we have to start somewhere, right?