Dealing with grief

Hi Wolfie64

I know how you are feeling, i also lost my Husband 8th October, he was diagnosed last Dec, after spending 6 weeks in hospital the said there aim was to get him home, they also said we are not talking end of life, he came home for two week's, then admitted to the hospice where five days later he passed.

I am lost without him, the house is so empty, he made me laugh every day, and i sure miss that.

I have good days and bad days, each day is so different and brings different emotions, i have even been angry at him for dying, i was horrified with my self

I talk to him every day, its so lonely, the house is quiet i i could go on

I go one day at a time i get threw it and go tomorrow is another day, he would want me to carry on the same as your wife, we have a different way of life now, i do not like it, but i have to make the most of it.

There will be lot's of first, i have just done one of them, i have cancer diagnosed before my hubby and he has been at my side every step of the way, had my ct scan and then follow up was there all by myself and i just broke, but i done it.

We where married for years he was my life, but i know in my heart he is still with me every step of the way.

Take Care Elliexx

"You Never Walk A Lone"

Hi Wolfei64. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife. I read your story and it’s so sad to see she was given the all clear and then for it to come back again. My wife was diagnosed with melanoma in October 2017 which spread to her lymph node she had an opp to remove the lymph nodes, 3 months later she had a scan and it came back she was all clear, reappeared late 2018 and had a course of radiotherapy and started a course of immunotherapy in June 2019. But the cancer had spread to her brain she died on 15 July  at home I was lucky to be by her side . 

I am nearly 5 months down this road , the first 10 weeks I had no motivation at all . Now some days I can do things other days are just crap and can’t do anything. The loneliness and quiet in the house is the worst. All my wife’s things are still exactly where they were when she passed, I can’t bear to move them. 

Winnie was 68 I am 65 we were married for 43 years. 

Everyone on this site news what you are going through. So please keep posting, ther will always be someone here to listen to you .

 Mike 

Hi ellie , 

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss,  and yes your right it's the emptiness of being in the house alone especially after sharing everything together and caring for one another,  and I'm so sorry to hear your news you must be so strong to do that alone and I'm sure hes watching over you all the time , and I do pray you have a positive outcome and go forward from this , you need to find the inner inspiration from your husband to deal with this , yes theres going to be a lot if first coming my wifes birthday was Christmas eve so this is going to be a dreadful time coming up and not looking forward atm but in time I need to celebrate my wifes life but not ready yet , thanks for replying to me really appreciate it,  

take care yourself and always here if you need to talk 

X

Hi winmick,  

I'm really sorry to hear the sad news of your beloved winnie and really appreciate your comments in coming back to me,  my feelings I'm experiencing are exactly as you put it , you seen first hand how cruel cancer can be and when you loved and cared for so long it breaks you to lose your loved one , many around me are saying it's when the first things of each occasion comes is really difficult and it would have been my wifes birthday Christmas eve so this year really not looking forward to it at all,  and what you said about winnie s things I'm the same haven't moved a single thing at home and got no intention of doing so , its daft but that's my comfort that all her things are still in the bedroom and around the house as a constant reminder to me of the love of my life,  I know I need to celebrate the 37 years we had together but at this moment I still cant get over losing her , a big thank you mike for getting back to me , take care of yourself,  

Kevin 

I'm not certain how i can help apart from saying that i feel for you and that you are not alone although i do know from my own journey that it oftren feels like you are alone.

My own loss of my partner from lukemia after having a good few months of remission and "good" blood test results only to find that a bone marrow biopsy after months of good news brought devastating news that her cancer was back with a vengance, giving her only a few days in the event she bravely fought on for a few weeks. 

The only thing that i've found to help is to focus on getting through the day your in, I literally take each day as it comes i try and often succeed in having 1 goal / activity for a day and then often i have to build up the ability to focus on that goal (it could simply be doing the washing) then go for it and do that 1 thing for the day, after that the aim for the day is to get through till tomorrow and do it again. What i found was after a few months i surprised myself that i was doing 3 or 4 tasks in a day. I will not pretend that almost a year on I am back to normal as I'm not, however i do have days when i function normally and days when i give myself permission to do only 1 thing even if that 1 thing is only making a meal for myself.

No need to appologise here, I hope my sharing will of helped a little and that you do not feel so alone now

Many thanks for replying to me swannyp,  

first of all really sorry to hear of your loss as well I really feel for you,  know the feeling only to well , the ups and downs when your there with your love one trying  our best to keep positive and comfort them and sadly to lose them , I'm only at the start of my journey but already what you said is exactly how I'm feeling a massive effort just to do a single job and yes I  say to myself I'll do something tomorrow but most times I don't,  I was questioning myself is this normal as I've never experienced grief like this before,  I got people saying I should return to work but in my own mind this is the last thing on my mind couldn't even contemplate it at this moment,  and thank you for taking the time to reply,  what you said is great comfort for me ,

Kevin 

Just take your time, Wolfie64. Don't rush anything. Take the time to fully feel hat's going on inside of you. We can't run away from it, anyway. When you don't feel like doing something, just don't do it. Ever since my husband died last year Dec., I've stopped cooking. Couldn't be bothered. I spent my days in the kitchen cooking healthy meals and juicing fruit and veggies for him, then washing the dishes and that awful juicer. I was always in the kitchen preparing one thing or other. Didn't make one single difference so, now, it's only me and I don't care. If you're not ready to go back to work and you can afford not to, then great, take time off and do your grieving. I'm sure everything seems pointless to you right now so, at least, do what's right for you. People have all the answers and know exactly what we need, except they've never been in our position.

Thanks limbo for sharing your experience with me and everything you said is exactly how I'm feeling,  I to am so sorry for your loss and know the feeling of doing all the right things we tried to help our loved one , only for us to lose them is soul destroying and that's what has left me numb , I was just feeling guilty over doing nothing now just get up and wish the day away,  since the funeral at the end October I just feel empty and just go through our photos each day , its been comforting to a point to realise other people's experiences are exactly what I'm feeling so I guess the reality is grief is probably the hardest thing to overcome,  I do hope you start to find some comfort for yourself as you were your husband's rock and he ll be watching over you and not wanting you to be in such pain .

take care Kevin 

Hi all today has been a bad day fighting to hold back the tears my wife  died June 16th my stepson and his family are heading off to Lapland we were probably going with them so could see grandkids  meet. That will never happen now I'm sure this is a very hard time of year for everyone . Just having a rant so down in the dumps

It's cruel, no words can describe the exhaustion of grief. I lost my husband in June he had throat cancer first diagnosed in 2003 given the all clear in 2010. 2016 had a scan all clear but rediagnosed as terminal in 2018. He to was peg fed so eating and cooking which he loved so much has been incredibly hard. Nothing sadder than cooking for yourself whilst watching your other half squirt a foul smelling shake into their tube. It's hard to feel what if and why,   sometimes the  resurgent disease is hard to find. I'm not sure if macmillian have a bereavement service but talking to someone my help. I was told their  is no right or wrong way to feel, or grieve there are no stages just an accomadation to the loss. Mostly I'm fine but I come onto this site and I bawl my eyes out for myself for all those  that post and those we have lost. I then carry on thankful that my grief is as private as the man I loved. Xx