Feeling lost.

Home safe. 
Yes, appreciative of dogs company. So awful to have lost yours so soon after your wife’s death. Life can be awfully cruel. Take care 

Hi Alison,

Hope you got home safely the other day. Yesterday was the 1st anniversary. I was in a museum and was in the natural history section. I was looking at some fossils, with tears brimming over as we used to go searching for fossils during the firsst years of our marriage. I was walking awqy when, all of a sudden, I saw Gilles in a flash. It was weird. When I looked up, I saw a man who didn't look anything like him. I took the bus into town, came off and was standing on a pavement looking across the road. The first thing i saw was a store called Giles. I didn't make the connection right away but this morning I thought to myself that he came to see me, knowing how awful it was for me yesterday. I drank some champagne, listened to some music, wrote him and had a hearty cry. One year already and still don't know how I'm going to survive more days without him. This is too much, too long. Wiish it would end.

Hello Limbo, thank you for asking. Yes, the local garage came and rescued me and I was home not much more than an hour after I posted. 
Your anniversary of Gilles death brought tears to my eyes. It sounded so poignant and lovely and yet I’m sad for how sad you are today. I’ve got a long way to go to the anniversary of Mikes death. This forum is starting to feel like a lifeline. Look after yourself. I’m really sure that all our partners would want us to be happy again. I find hope in Dutsie’s recently shared poem about acknowledging grief x 

Hi everyone 

How have you been. I was dreadful on Christmas day and boxing day. I got up Christmas morning and went for a walk, tears in my eyes all the way round. The whole day was awful, couldn't stop the thoughts off loss /grief /loneliness /aching pain and heartache from my mind. No matter how hard I tried. Boxing day was no better. On the 17th of January it will be one year since her death and I'm still just as lost as the first day.

We all keep hoping it will get easier in time, but I'm sure none of us are feeling it. I ain't, life just doesn't seem to have any purpose any more. I hate the words "life & living" as I feel neither. Back to work on Thursday, if only to occupy my head for a few while. 

I hope some of you have had a better time than me. 

Still Stumbling in the dark searching for the light. 

Dear Mark 

Managed to get through Christmas day on my own as I wanted despite a welcome invite from my lovely daughter. I could have stayed for days but I told her it would all be too much. A lunch time meal with my son on Boxing day was just the very brief break I needed before sinking back again into the awful reality which is my life at the moment -  as it is for you. Today I've had a massive melt down. Found I'd left the oven on low for nearly two days. Couldn't work out the new payment system for the parking lot Anne and I used but then with her blue badge. I had to ask some people what to do. I had to visit our building society to see if money had been paid in by me from our bank account through the  internet banking service I've signed up to.They closed our local bank. The anxiety attack soon kicked in and I was in tears driving home despite my success. I'm worn out with it all although my family and few friends would never know. I'm excellent at putting on a cheerful face. Finally this afternoon I seriously thought whether I wanted to carry on. On my own I just walk around in a trance then today I sunk into a bubble where if I did it the effect on my family was never an issue neither was what Anne would think. It just became very personal. I'm just sick of this constant pretence to people that I'm all right when inside I'm a broken man. The spark of life went after my sweet heart was taken from me after 50yrs of marriage . Having just sunk a lot of beer I feel a little better so if it takes alcohol to keep me going so be it. I'm just past caring anymore. 

Love and Light 

Geoff

Hi Celldaddy,

I was suppose to drive to my parents on Christmas day. Finally made it there for boxing day and crashed out for three days. I have just gone past my first anniversary and the time up to it and on the day was very difficult. So not surprised I got ill. 

I did spend a couple of hours on Christmas eve and Christmas day raising money for a cancer charity at my local pub. It gave me a purpose to get out on an otherwise lonely break at home alone. In fact I enjoyed that time. 

Just wanted to touch base with you. I resonate with that has been said by you and others here on a similiar timeframe. In some ways the first anniversary has been the worst for me (or my mind is playing tricks on me as I have my moments before), so hoping that now focusing on my health gives a positive way forward. I just want the fatigue to end...its so draining.

Take care of your self,

Dutsie Xx

Oh Geoff. How lucky you were to have 50 years. We managed 34 and he was gone too soon. If it wasn’t for my two labs getting me out of bed every morning I too would give up. But they will get me up again tomorrow and so it will go on. My husband said how lucky we were to have experienced a good marriage even though it ended in such heartache. I hope you come through this and I hope I do as well. 

Dear Owl58

We once had a little  West Highland White  Terrier dog called Westie. He was my best mate. These dear creatures are like children. We have two so I know. Everything for me these days  is 'we' even though now it's just me. I would buy another dog but at 74 that poor creature may outlive me so what happens then? 34yrs is wonderful my friend. It's not just the length of time but the love and affection that counts the most. True love can never be measured with time. 

Love and Light 

Geoff

Hi Geoff 

You're not alone feeling as you do Geoff. Family and friends can only see, what's on the outside. Bless them, they cannot see what we are going through on the inside. We are broken and adrift. The brief moments when we rise from the despair are just that, moments. Then we sink back into a trance as you say. Every day at some point I think, I wish I was no longer here. Then I try and convince myself, it's the grief talking.

I'm 54 but I feel like a helpless lost child. In a moment we went from having everything to having nothing. I've seen my 7&3 year old step grandsons this afternoon and how I envy children's ability to live in the now and not suffer the mental torment, we adults do. 

We're all here for each other Geoff, as lost and low as we feel. This is the only place I can express how I truly feel as it's impossible to get the word's out to family and friends.

As you say the torment just grinds us down. 

Hi Dutsie 

Yes duck, the fatigue is draining and we have to face it each day. I've found it harder to get out of bed as the year mark approaches. The empty silence is louder and more difficult to bear. 

Let's hope we can all come through this torment and out the other side, still sane.