Feeling lost.

Hi All, 

I agree with you. I also feel like an empty shell, which goes to work every morning and comes back in the dark to an empty house. The breakdown is always on the edge. Little things set me off. Went to get some milk to the shop and passing the real Christmas trees in the garden centre made me cry. We wanted to get one for this year as we have an artificial one.

I also hate, when people ask ' Are you OK?' Off course, I am not! How can I be! How can we be ! I never answer this question. I always say something else.

Some people at work have stopped talking to me. One of them said, its my fault, they think, I don't want to talk to them. She said, its me, who has to make the first step. I was devastated by this respond. Yes, I do talk less, I don't smile, I turned into myself and a respond like this just makes me feel worse. 

THE GOOD THING IS, I GOT, WE GOT THIS FORUM, WHERE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND. THANK YOU ALL XXX

Will stop ranting now. 

I wish us all a brighter day today. 

Sending you all my hugs

Andrea xxx 

Oh, Andrea,

I know how insensitive people can be. They act as though the death of our spouses were just a minor event and that we can play by the same rules as before. There was a colleague of mine who kept telling me we should have lunch sometime and to let her know when I wanted to. I was very frank with her and told her I wasn't capable of making the first step. Since then , she hasn't mentioned anything. They leave it up to us to take the initiative. Hell, no! You don't let grieving people do the work.

I, too, am sending you hugs

Oh Andrea,I know the feeling people asking am I ok,I bite my tongue,How can we be ok when our lives have been destroyed,It’s like some people have said Oh you will be fine,NO I Won’t I want to say, How can I ever be alright.

I can’t believe some  people have stopped talking to you,of course you have changed your whole life has changed what do they expect,We are all different people now.Like you say we have this group where we all understand

Hope you have a reasonable day today,xxxxx.    Hugs for all.xxxxx

Valxxx

Hi everyone 

I'm been off work this week. Using up my unused vacation. I'd love say something positive to you all. But 11 months on, I still feel just as lost and alone as ever. Trying to fill these empty lonely days this week has been tiring. As each day gets closer to Christmas day, the feeling of loss gets stronger. Thinking of any future without my wife gets harder. I still exist day to day as I can't see any further. I keep telling myself it must get easier but I can't see it. How anyone gets through such a loss is beyond me.

How are you all coping. 

Hi Mark, 

I feel very much same like you. Lost and hopeless with no positivity. I cannot see either, things would get any easier as the time goes by. The breakdown is always on the edge. Just to survive takes all my energy. 

I am breaking up from work tomorrow until 2nd January. Not looking forward to it. At work my mind is occupied at least. 

We can only hope, these few days will pass by quickly. 

Take care 

Andrea 

So sorry for your loss Mark, and I can see from your profile it was brutally sudden. This time last year I guess all was well in your world, which must make this Christmas period hard. I’m finding it exhausting as well. Trying to go through the motions of Christmas but not feeling it. Not really feeling anything a lot of the time - just numb. I think I’m still in shock. I’d love to say something that’d make you feel better but I know that isn’t possible. I find this online community a great support - just keep reading and posting and get through Christmas as best we can. Look after yourself. 

Hi Andrea 

You're right duck, I forced myself to put the tree up a couple of days ago. I was okay putting the tree up and decorating the fireplace. But when I sat down on the sofa and looked at it, I fell to pieces. I could break down at any moment but try to stop myself. Family and friends tell me, well done for putting the tree up . Jayne would be proud of me. But those words mean nothing because they don't understand the pain and loss that we feel.

With the best will in the world, they have no idea how lost and without any purpose in life anymore I/we feel. I say this trying to be positive but I truly can't imagine a life without my wife.

Life and living are 2 word's I now hate. 

Waiting for the time when it gets easier, is just a continuous torment. 

Hi Alison 

Yes duck, the group is the only place where we are all, truly understood and we can truly empathise.

The terrible journey continues. 

Hi Andrea 

It's awful isn't it, when you'd rather be at work than at home in the empty silence. I'm tired of clock watching when at home.

It's so much harder being at home than being at work, mentally. 

I totally agree being at work at least makes time pass a little faster the only respite I get is sleep and as you can see that's not long the only hope I have is will it get easier and I don't think it will 6months and I still break down most days dreading the Xmas holiday week