Sleep

Hi I to had a problem sleeping last night rolling around the bed mind won't stop suddenly woke up having a flashback of my wife's last breath curled up in a ball and almost screamed crying for ages I'm sure this is hell and when we have done our time we will be allowed to go to what we class as heaven  crazy 

Hi, 

Same for me. Have trouble sleeping. Most nights I wake up at about 3 with memories and images of the end. Was about to go to bed when I realized for the first time today it was the 20th - the 11th month anniversary. Eleven months already! I've been so busy these days that I don't even know what date it is but somewhere in me I must have known as I broke down crying earlier and feeling as though I was going out of my mind. Some days are okay but, honestly, I just don't know how I'm going to make it without Gilles in the long run.

When I look at his picture, it's as if he was right here. 

Hi limbo I wake up every morning and say the same thing how am I going to make it without my wife I say good morning to her and plod through the day get washed after work sit and look on putor waiting for bed time to get some relief just for a few hours and then it seems like groundhog Day again 

I have on and off nights. Mostly I just drop off  because I'm so exhausted after finishing work, getting some shopping,come home to do dinner and do some house work. Then I just sit watching TV with a few beers before bed.

But sometimes I wake up after 3 hours sleep like last night. It's horrible to wake up all alone in a cold bed. My Belle used to call our bed heaven. She would usually go up early around 8 or 9. I woul join her a bit later and it would be so warm. We would usually snuggle up before falling asleep. We would both roll onto our own sides facing away from each other but if one of us woke during the night we would roll over and see the other one blissfully asleep and cuddle them feeling safe and warm.

I had experienced the cold lonely nights before she passed, whilst she was spending time in hospital, but always knew she would be sharing our bed soon but now it's just me and this cold lonely bed with her ashes by her side of it.

Dear Djaxster

Your post brought back so many loving bed time  memories of Anne and myself  You shared your personal memories in such a loving way. Bless you Sir.

Love and Light

Geoff 

Another night of waking up around 3am. Second night in a row even though I had a good few beers on Sunday for my birthday. Will have to take a sleeping pill tonight.

It’s 5 weeks into this hellish journey for me. I have been using nitol to try and sleep. Like most of you bed was our favourite place now it’s the place where I sob every night. I sleep with his last unwashed shirt as I can smell him on it and it’s great for soaking up tears. I have had one night when I swear I woke up and he was in bed with me but sadly this was just a cruel prank of my imagination. Every night I sit with his picture and tell him about my day. Every morning I say “morning honey” just like I used to do. I also sob and say “why did you take him from me”! A lot.

its the thought of having to get up, go to work, do things that I don’t want to do because nothing means anything to me now. Work was to pay for our beautiful holidays, our house was our little safe palace and now it all means nothing without my Bob in it. I feel like a robot going through the motions and I hate it.

lucky enough although his death was traumatic and he died in my arms in our bed I don’t have nightmares of this and my memories are just of him well and healthy not the skeletal bed bound man ravaged by cancer. He was 64 and was diagnosed 9 months before he passed away. It’s his birthday on Friday and that will be even tougher than every day since his passing.

This really is the worse experience any of us could ever be going through but talking on this site does help that’s for sure

Sheila x

Hi Sheila,

I am not religious but very spiritual and I do believe that there are lots of things that happen all the time that we cannot explain with logic or thinking in general. So when you say you feel like your husband was in bed with you I wouldn't doubt that for a second. Maybe his soul, his spirit, something that was him anyway, was there with you.

I had a similar experience about two months after Paul's death when I woke up in the morning and, somewhat between being asleep and being awake, I heard him breathing beside me and when I stretched out my hand to touch him as I would have done so many countless times over the years I could feel his hair and stroked it. And then the moment was gone and I actually thought: Where are you? You were here just a second ago? And how is it possible?

And it was then that I decided that I don't have to be able to understand the how or why, it was what it was and that was enough.

Love, Mel.

I too seem to wake about 3 am. I could almost set my clock by it! I drop off easy enough as I bought a new mattress topper and electric blanket to make it snuggly. I often fall asleep downstairs as I am shattered in front of the telly. 

I have had menopausal symptoms off and on but not sure if this is why I am awake or whether it is the grief or just Ric's spirit waking me as daft as it sounds as he was often awake at that time! 

Hopefully it will settle down xxx

Hi Mel

How wonderful my experience was very similar just wish he would visit more often as I miss him so very much and bedtime is my hardest time not having him to cuddle. He does things that I see as a sign from him that he is around. This journey is so bloody hard and I feel like I’m not handling it so well although people tell me I’m doing great but they don’t see the sobbing wreck when no one is around.

I think I’m going to wake up and all this will have been a nightmare!

Sheila