Hiding how it is from the world!!!

HeatheryD

When you love a soul so much their very presence is eternally missed. I'm convinced of that. I lost my darling wife Anne just over 3 months ago. When ever I 'Tidy up.' I have to put my mind in a type of void, act as a robot as I discard things that are no longer needed yet we're once a part of my darlings life. It's hard, very hard. But I've done 99%; of it. Yet out of respect I'll never clear my Anne's wardrobe of her clothes. All the time they are there she is part of our home, our life together. These are personal  to her. They are non of my business.   And It was this belief that gave me the strength to deal with all the other matters. I'll stop here my friend. An overload of information never helps.

Love and Light

Geoff 

Heather today is 21 months for me and little has changed. I have touched very little of his things. 

I had someone who came and cut my grass but he just stopped coming so my garden is very overgrown. The house too is a mess but I don't care.  

Everyone thinks I'm doing ok but that's so far from reality. 

Thanks for your support.

Your comments about Anne’s wardrobe being personal to her resonates with me. This has given me food for thought as to why I’m having such difficulty with some of the tasks I need to get through. It does feel intrusive sometimes.

Thanks for your support...I hope this is a phase I come out of & fingers crossed you do too.

One thing that I have done, on a VERY limited basis, is offer some of my wife's things to family and friends. She had a drawer full of scarfs and shawls that she liked to wear in cooler weather and as part of ensembles. (The photo on her online obituary and on the cover of the program for her memorial service showed her wearing one of these.)

Prior to her memorial service I took all of the items in a bag to my sister's and offered them to my sister and two nieces. Each of them selected one or two. At the lunch after the service I offered the remaining items to her two best friends. By the end of the lunch there were half a dozen women wearing a scarf or shawl from her collection. It made me feel good that these items went to people she loved. It also provided a small connection to her for a group of people who were special to her in her life. 

Just a thought....

The other day a colleague phoned me and asked if she could come over. I stuttered and stammered but managed to get myself out of that one. I do the housework only when I myself can no longer stand the state of things and cooking is now a thing of the past. Another colleague asked me on Monday how I'd spent the weekend. My response was: Fri. - beach; Sat.- town and Sun.- crying. She got uncomfortable so I quickly changed the topic.

In July, I will be leaving here and going back home, where all our things are in storage. I don't know how I'm going to cope, having to sort my husband's clothes, books, objects. I'm not looking forward to that but I'll cross that bridge when I reach it, I guess.

I with you on housework front Limbo.  Urgh sitting in a right mess now. I prefer to go out than let people visit me.

I went through a phase of cleaning, clearing out etc but that did not last long....

I have not cooked a proper meal since summer 2018. Whoops, no wonder I don't feel healthy.

As suggested by doctors I saw a nutritionist and was blunt. It's not that I don't know how to cook and make healthy choices - it's just I don't have the motivation on that front.

Thought it was just me!

Hi Dutsie

Regarding food. I can cook but no longer have any real pleasure in eating. I exist on ready meals, mostly Chinese or Indian. I bought a load of frozen vegetables and a plastic microwave steamer to add vegetables for a healthier meal but rarely use it now. I don't really care a shit about my health anymore. I did Tai Chi and Zhan Zhuang ( An ancient form of Chinese meditation to strengthen mind and body for 19yrs. All abandoned since I lost the love of my life. The spark has gone out of my very existance. I have no wish to live any longer than I have to. And at 74 I pray that will be soon. I've told  our children if I contract cancer like their mum did Im refusing treatment. I'll let nature take its course just like my brave and courageous Anne did.( The op and follow up chemo would have killed her at 71. ) She passed from pancreatic  cancer with only a 3% survival rate after 5yrs despite treatment. The house is passable. The living room simply presentable. I never Hoover or dust unless the mess hits me in the face. I drink a lot of beer these days as it takes away the constant hurt and anxiety attacks that haunt me. When I get an anxiety attack it feels like I'm having a heart attack. The last one left my smiling as I thought YES this is it. I'm finally out of here but no such luck. You deffinately are'nt alone Dutsie.

Love and Light 

Geoff.

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your message. I just feel that I am on a rollercoaster right now.

On one front I have a positive outlook. I attend my yoga classes regularly, work and socialise. Genuinely, I have something to smile about most days.

Then the other side is at home. The mess, no routine on housework or cooking. The side that probably reflects I am still hurting.

My husband refused palliative chemo. Concentrating on quality of life and we certainly did make the most of the time we had to together. Richard would want me to move forward positively and that's why, on the whole, I believe in seeking a different kind of happiness. Richard lost his previous partner to cancer and whilst, I did not fully comprehend his loss until now, I used to encourage him to find a different kind of happiness. Something he did achieve.

So whether I meet someone or not, I still feel that I owe it to myself and Richard to find this different kind of happiness.... 

I do get what you are saying and I hope you also don't mind me saying that you should take up tai chi etc again. All I can say, is that the practise of yoga helps me. It can't take away the hurt but I do feel it gives me the tools to cope with things better.

I have also taken up writing poems and sometimes also writing my feelings down on paper. I do feel lighter somewhat. I suppose that is the equivalent of sharing here. So thank you all for being there.

With lots of love,

Dutsie x

Hello Dutsie

I just read this post and your profile and found them both inspiring. I lost my John just over 5 months ago now and if anything it is getting harder. I've not been well for the last couple of weeks, have been referred for some tests but doctor thinks it's probably a virus, she says it could be 'delayed shock' as my mind and body continue to face the reality of life without John, and with all the stress and grief my immunity is low and it's more difficult to fight illness. Like you, I try to find positive ways of coping.  John was the most positive person I knew, he saw good in everything and in everyone. We knew for over 2 years since he was first diagnosed that the cancer was incurable, and during that 2 years we had some great times, I keep getting Facebook memories and thinking wow, we did such a lot. People actually found it hard to believe he was so ill because much of the time he looked well and was always smiling. He loved life and wanted to make the most of the time he had left, and he really did, up to the last few weeks, when he  became very frail and ill, it was the worst time and I wish he'd been spared that.

We had both retired, so we did a lot together, but I'm thankful that I had quite a few interests that John didn't share, because that has kept me going. So I go swimming, and to a Pilates class, and a local choir, and have lunch with friends......I know people who have lost partners and did everything together, and can't bear to go to places or activities on their own now so they feel isolated.  Like you Dutsie, I find things to smile about most days, but I still find tears come very easily.  I go out a lot and I often go to stay with friends - we hadn't  been living here long so most of my friends live some distance away. But being at home on my own is still very hard. I keep reminding myself that John wanted me to make a new life without him, and perhaps I will eventually, but after 40 years together it's quite a challenge. Still one day at a time, little steps. 

Love and hugs

Anne