The Real Me Has Gone for Good.

Geoff,

Nothing I say will have an immediate effect on you or your frame of mind. I also may not know what I'm talking about since I'm about 2 months 'behind' you on the grief timeline so I might be in he same frame of mind in 60 days. 

But, I feel I detect resilience and strength in your message and maybe even a note of hope that you might not recognize yourself. That you can physically get yourself out of the house (for whatever reason) is a good start. That you can "socialise like my old self used to. Join in laughter as well as serious discussion about anything. Outwardly I'm coping well. Yes I can survive." is where i see the strength and resilience. I am presuming that you are not socializing just to make others feel better.

The "odd fishing days" are another indication to me that you are not just a husk surrounding a void. And you have attended to practical matters with your will and power of Attorney. 

If you will allow me, I will suggest that rather than conclude that "The real me has gone for good." you consider re-phrasing as 'the old me is gone for good." None of our lives will ever be the same. I do agree that that 'void" will never be filled but perhaps it will become more manageable or tolerable. 

I, for one, have no idea who I will be six months or a year or two years from now. I expect it to be someone quite different from who I am today and certainly who I was two months ago. 

I wish you the best, whatever that means for you and i hope that, in time, you discover a different you that can approach things in a new way.

Rob

Thank you Rob for your most  inspiring post. Maybe you are right. Only time will tell my friend. I forgot to say that my Anne said that if I ever  developed a relationship with another woman that would be OK with her. Ever the down t o earth pragmatic one that dear lady of mine ever was. I In turn said that would never happen. I'm a one woman  man. I've only ever loved one lady and that was and always will remain my Anne. And I  too wish you well Rob. You seem like a strong and philosophical man. I respect that. 

Love and Light

Geoff.

Geoff,

I have seen several people develop strong relationships after the death of a spouse. I have seen others move forward without ever developing a significant relationship. The spouse one of those who developed a new relationship  told her children on her death bed that their father needed to have someone in his life and not to be upset by it when it happened. She knew her husband, as it would seem your Anne did, and so she prepared others for the possibility. My own wife told my sister on one the last days that I would likely need someone and that it would be OK. I find that hard to believe. 

But my therapist told me the same thing on Friday. He explained that I will never stop loving Trish, but I may find someone, who will never replace her, but who may become a part of my life. I've seen it happen enough that I believe it's possible to love two people in one's lifetime. Though i don't believe the second love can be as deep or strong as the first. maybe I'm wrong. 

As I said, I've also seen plenty of people who never loved someone as seriously as their spouse. My father is one, my aunt is another. My aunt had 'a friend' but that relationship never came close to what she had with my uncle. My father never became involved with any woman after my mother died. 

A key factor of what may or may not happen to a person when they lose their spouse may be age. The persons I referred to as having developed new relationships were 60 or a little under. my aunt and father were in their 70's and 80's, respectively. But one of the women I met in a support group last week was at least in her 70's, likely early 80"s and she was grieving the recent loss of man she had met only a year before. Her first husband had died a number of years ago and this new love blossomed and became very strong in only the last year. 

Who's to say?

I'm not advocating or even suggesting that you find a new love. I believe you can move forward without that component to your new life. But, just to be careful, never say never.

Best,

Rob

Rob, I am not Jeff, but I want to say that I, too, have found your post most inspiring. So beautifully written and so beautifully expressed what from my point of view is really true. What is even the "real me"? Do we have such a thing? Or are we not ever-changing, ever-developing beings who are quite different from day to day and particularly when you compare your self from today with the self from let's say ten years ago today you can see the difference? So many things shape and change us.

Love and hugs to all, Mel.

Hi again Rob 

I reflected on your inspiration post a little longer. And so now feel I can answer you in more depth, remembering that words alone are a blunt tool for true communication. My Anne was for 50yrs always in my mind, my heart, and my soul,  as I'm sure your dear wife was, and still is.

And now the very personal information that I'm happy to share with you and  all my other friends; and Im sorry if this embarrasses some folk but it needs to be said. For over 20yrs Anne and I  were never able to have full sex relations  because of Anne's illnesses. Yet never once did I betray her in anyway. And as a man you will know how hard that must have been for me.  Yet I am no hero. For the ladies reading my  post they may not understand.  Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. That act of mine  represented the love and the  respect I had for my darling wife. So now Anne  has passed there is no way any other woman will ever enter into my life - my friend - I know that for a fact even though I can accept aged couples can come together and  without carnal needs ( Love making ) entering into  the relationship. I will remain faithful to my Anne to the very end for not to do so now would for me be  a betrayal of all Anne and I had together for that full  half century. I know I will carry my Anne's memory inside the void that resides inside me forever. A void that  can never be fully  filled because I miss her presence. And without her presence I will not move forward into  a  'New Meaningful  Life.' It will be an existance. Perhaps a satisfying existance. But an existance that will always have something missing - My Annes presence.  Yes I'll snatch a laugh here. Have a discussion there. Many fishing trips even?  Yet no matter how successful, knowing I'll forever come home to a silent house.

Rob. There truly is a vast void. A vacuum that will never be filled with anything truly meaningful. I say this not from a negative or despondent standpoint , far from it,  but from a man who knows who he once was, now knows who he is now,  and knows from experience what he will always be. 

With great respect my friend.

Love and Light.

Geoff

Hi Jeff and all,

In your last post, Jeff, you wrote: "I know I will carry my Anne's memory inside the void that resides inside me forever. A void that  can never be fully  filled because I miss her presence. And without her presence I will not move forward into  a  'New Meaningful  Life.' It will be an existance. Perhaps a satisfying existance. But an existance that will always have something missing - My Annes presence." And, while your words resonate with me and I could write the very same thing about my relationship with my Paul and what is now, I don't really want to believe that this is really it, that there will be no more deep meaning in my life, that my life will only be existing, perhaps comfortably, but still only existing as opposed to fully living. I can't imagine it at the moment either. But I find the thought that my life will only ever be existing as opposed to living so very difficult. And, if there is anything I can do to not make this happen, if there is anything I can do to find more meaning in my life again, I want to do it because, unless I get very sick or have an accident, I will be here for a lot longer and to be here without any deep meaning in my life is a very sad thought. I have not doubt, however, that the deep sense of love, beauty, meaning, truthfulness, genuine love for life, a sort of sacredness or something like that, I will never find again. Not in the very same way. But isn't that true with all our connections? When you have a very good friend, for example, and that friend is no longer there for whatever reason, but then you find other friends, isn't it true that the very same feeling that you have had with that one friend who is no longer there you will never have again? In other words: All relationships are unique. And, no, we won't find the same that we had with our loved ones els3ewhere. But perhaps we can still try and find some meaning in our life now, and even if it is for us to see how much we can love because now our pain of loss has shown us?

I don't know.

I find myself in an in-between-state at the moment I think. There are times when I feel that, yes, I miss Paul terribly and I don't want to think about the truth that my life will be without him from now on, but it is also often the case that that feels okay, not good or anything, but okay in the sense that I have accepted that arguing with reality is not an option: Paul will not, will never, come back. I can either accept that and make the most of my life as it is now or I will be always and forever very unhappy and very empty inside. So I think I need to try.

Now where the sex is concerned:

Paul and I rarely made love. He just physically wasn't able to do it. And, later on in his illness, I wasn't really able for it either because I was so tense and on the edge a lot of the time that I was just not relaxed enough. Paul used to say to me, "What a waste of a young and beautiful body! Here you are, in your best years, and you can't make love!" And I always said to him, "Sex is not only love-making. We have plenty of ways to enjoy each other and our intimacy." But for him something was always missing. But when I think about having somebody else and intimacy with that person, I can't really imagine it. Of course I would love the feeling - I mean, who doesn't? - but I would feel like betraying Paul and what we had. Not so much only in the actual act of love-making but also in the intimacy part. I don't really want to be as intimate with anyone as I was with Paul. And yet, I know that Paul would want me to, as I suppose your Anne may want you to.

Love, Mel.

Geoff,

I believe I understand. My wife's illnesses interrupted our ability to enjoy each other physically and while it was no where near the time that impacted you and Anne, in the most recent years our physical interaction was different. 

I'm going to guess that both of you enjoyed physical contact very much and that holding each other or 'snuggling' or even holding hands was far more important than sex. In the recent years, when Trish was in the hospital, one of the things we did as much as we could was lie together in the hospital bed. Once she was healthy enough and the number of tubes and wires she was connected to was reduced I'd gently slip in beside her and she'd fall asleep on my shoulder or with my arms around her. 

You had 20 more years together with your Anne than I had with Trish. Knowing how strong our bond is/was I can only imagine how much deeper and stronger yours is/was. I respect you for honoring your life partner and for knowing yourself well enough to anticipate that a serious relationship with another would do more harm than good to you. 

My void is still in its genesis, but I feel it. I'm going to attempt to define that void as Trish, her spirit and our love. While I expect that hole of heartache and grief to grow for a while, I'm going to try and remember that it is never truly empty because it holds all that we once shared.

I honestly do not know who I will be 6 months, a year, two years from now. I can't say I'm excited to find out, but for now I'm determined to keep moving forward through this process.

I wish you all the best, however you define 'best', a 'satisfying existence' at least.

Rob

Melanie,

Your final paragraphs resonate with me. Even now, only a month since my wife passed I think (think being the key word) that i would enjoy physical intimacy with a woman now. I suspect that it would fall far short of my hopes because for 30 years I've never had physical intimacy without emotional intimacy as well. 

Someone told me the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy, the absence of emotion. Yes, it might be good to (if you'll pardon my crassness) 'get satisfied', but I worry that I'd feel worse after because it would reinforce the 'void' Geoff speaks of. 

Like you, I hope that time will help resolve that. I don't want to rule out the possibility becoming close to someone, however that may manifest itself - a 'friend', a partner or an intimate relationship.

Only time will tell.

Rob

I have to agree Geoff I could never love again my life has stopped after losing my wife it would be unfair to whoever the other person was as she could never have my full love so it could never be a full relationship if you know what I mean 

Hi  Mel 

Perhaps we have an age difference here? I'm not sure. I'm 74 so unless I make any attempt to look, or fate intervenes,  I'm unlikely to be tempted into another relationship at any level. Even so Im a one woman man so my original statement still stands for me. Mel I've lost many good friends including my best friend John to alcoholism. We were friends in the Met Police for 30yrs and a further 5yrs out after retirement. I missed him terribly but my comfort blanket was my Anne. ALWAYS THERE through thick or thin. So John's passing was never the loss I feel now. As I said before I'm an old bugger, 74, so my future maybe vastly different to yours. Maybe much shorter if old age has anything to do with it. So I would say to anyone who is less than in there 70's please look for an alternative happiness if thats where your heart and needs take you. 

Light and Love 

Geoff