3 months + since I lost my lover, soul mate, best friend and Mum to our two lovely children. Anne and I were joined at the hip for 50yrs of marriage. The reality of who I am now is slowly sinking in. I have magnificent support from three neighbours who visit and I even visit them. These good folk even feed me on occasions. Just been back from having dinner two days running. And our children are the main rocks of my life. Always there when they can make it. I'm truly blessed. I can socialise like my old self used to. Join in laughter as well as serious discussion about anything. Outwardly I'm coping well. Yes I can survive. But today the truth of who the real Geoff is truly came to light. I'm living a shallow existance. Because underneath all this outward behaviour there's a huge void of absolute nothingness. A place that was once lived, full of total love and fulfilment. I now have no interest in anything. I go about dealing with the practical necessities of life and home like an automaton. Even the odd fishing days are merely a habit which gets me out the house for most of the day to stop me vegitating in the house. I'm certainly not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just facing the facts as to what's going on. I would never even consider any partnership with another woman, mind you at 74 that's most unlikely anyway for any number of reasons. I know I drink to much beer but that's the only thing that keeps even a resemblance to some kind of contentment. My meds for clinical depression and anxiety simple keep me 'normal.' what ever that means. I can't start a new and creative life now after being 50yrs with my lady who rarely left my side. She was- and still is - my whole world. I even pray for an early departure from this life. I've made sure Anne's Will was fulfilled to the letter. My Will is fully up to date and I signed Lasting Power of Attorny over to our children. Both for financial and health decisions should I go ga ga. So that's it my friends. I know now nothing will change. The real me has gone for good.
Love and Light
Geoff.
Geoff,
Don't ascribe to much of my attitude to being from the US. I often describe myself as one of the most pessimistic people you'll meet. In explaining this to people I say that rather than debate whether the glass is half full or half empty I'm going to debate whether there is even a glass there at all!
My mantra for the past dozen years or so has been "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best."
Despite my pessimistic and dour view I have always wanted the best for others. It has taken me a long time to accept that I can't change other's outlook, all I can do is offer support. That's why I accept it when you and Wildcat say you'll never find another. That is your reality, not mine and who am I to argue?
I suspect that I am am relying very heavily on hope right now to help me get through this. That may be why I am optimistic or positive or whatever in my posts. Perhaps it's because only been a month and I'm looking at things through rose colored glasses. A fair response might be "Talk to me in 12 or 18 months and let's see what your view is then."
Whatever the case, I accept the reality of each individual's circumstances and reaction to their loss. My wish is for the best outcome possible for each of us, no matter what form that may take.
Thanks for the discussion, my friend. I'm learning things from you, like remembering to keep an open mind and not to change but support others.
