Coming to terms

Hi Penfold62 I am so sorry for the loss of your wife, I don’t think you can prepare yourself for such a tragedy. My wife passed away on 15 July and it is just so devastating. We were married for 43 years and life seems so empty know. 

You must try and sleep when you can and try and eat a little. Just take one hour and one day at a time. 

Keep posting on here , we all know what you are going through, and we are here to listen if you want to rant about anything. 

Take care 

Mike 

Hi I am sorry to hear about your wife ..it's a massive shock and you can never prepare yourself ..I lost my hubby 3weeks pass very suddenly ..we had his funeral but even that does not seem real 

I just can't believe he will not be hear like you he was my sole mate been together for over 40 years .i still cry every day and the house is not the same .

wish I could help you but I have no answers ..but I find this group a great help I also lost my Dad that I was so closed too 5weeks befor my hubby ..just take each hour as it comes x

Thank you for your kind words I know I have to be strong because she would want me to it was just a shock seeing her like she was I was with he to the very end which left a reoccurring picture in my head watching her suffering I went to see her sat and saw her at peace which has helped me a lot I just hope she heard me telling her that I loved. her and I’m glad I got fit enough to look after her in her last days I to have been dealing with cancer was diagnosed 9 months after she was osophagus cancer and had a big operation to remove it but have a sense of guilt because my prognosis was better than hers I know I shouldn’t feel like that but I do 

So sorry to hear of your loss and thank you for your kind words I’m gobsmacked at just how quick she deteriorated over the last 5weeks it was so hard to watch her stuggling so sad she was at home with me when she passed and she also had to deal with my diagnosis as well I’ve had osophagus cancer and had a massive operation to remove it and still in the recovery stage I’m just glad I was fit enough to care for her at the end I went to see her on sat and felt a sense of relief that she’s at peace and not suffering anymore I wish you all the best ww123 and hope things get better for you x

Dear Penfold62,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Of course the house must feel so empty now without her. And of course you don't know what to do and how to feel. There is the shock of the loss and all the sadness and pain that comes with that, but also the fact that you did everything together when your wife was still alive and that you therefore don't really know what it feels like or will feel like to do things without her. And then, of course, like for all of us there is the time of the illness of our loved ones - 21 months in your case - during which stress levels were high and hopes were high and then hopes were crushed... There is a lot to come to terms with. And the question to me is: Will we ever come to terms? Maybe we will just get slowly, very slowly, used to a new reality.

I lost my beloved Paul last May, in May of 2018, and he had been ill with prostate cancer for a very long time but only really sick in the last 10 months of his life. And, even though I felt like I had prepared myself for the worst, when the last days came I felt a pain I had never ever been able to anticipate.

All I can say to you now is that I am relieved you have found this group of really lovely and kind people who have gone through what you are going through and are somewhere on that journey. You can talk about your feelings and thoughts here or just read what others are writing and hopefully find yourself in some of it. It is important to have people around you or, if you don't have that, to have people to talk to like on this forum.

When my Paul died, I really didn't know how I would cope. But I did. Day by day I coped, and I couldn't even tell you now how I got through some of the days. But you somehow do. And, very slowly, it will get easier.

Love, Mel.

I also was with my wife for the 18 months from her diagnosis to her death. I went to every doctor's appointment, every emergency room visit, every chemotherapy treatment and every hospital stay. I was with her as she breathed her last breath, lying in the bed we've shared for over 30 years in the house we've lived in for over 21 years. At the end she was in emotional torment over the end of her life, mostly about how it would affect my son and me and about what she would miss in the future. 

Even with all that, I wasn't prepared for her death. There is some solace in knowing that she is no longer feeling miserable, physically and emotionally. I hated seeing her like that. Still it seems unreal that she is gone. 

I can't truly imagine the guilt you might be feeling. I think we all have a touch of 'survivor's guilt', how many of us have said "Why couldn't it have been me?" To have a cancer diagnosis yourself and be told your prognosis is far better than your wife's is unimaginable to me.

I know they are platitudes, I know they are trite but there has to be some truth to all the things people repeat - She would want you to continue forward; Things will get better with time; Fate is a random event and you can't blame yourself for being lucky. I think all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward. 

Good luck