Mixed Feelings

I'm so sorry SBA that you find yourself here with us in the group nobody wants to be in. Well done on going back to work, but you are right we will never be the same again,, even though we appear to be functioning like we used to. We will never be that person again. 

I am further along than you having lost my husband on 31 March 2018 and I actually feel worse as in more lonely and lost than ever. My family now never mention Rob my lovely husband and on my Wedding Anniversary this year nobody called to see how I was doing. It broke my shattered heart all over again. I don't even think anyone gave the date a second thought. Except me.

I try to accept the few invitations I get, infact I should be going out tonight but I honestly can't be bothered. The effort of small talk is sometimes too pointless. Then coming home to a silent house and noone to share my evening stories with is very depressing.

I also think counselling would help me. Someone to off load to.  Until then I like to read and comment on here, it's a good way to express how we feel and its helpful for others to read and be able to say " I feel like that too".

Thank you for your honest post.

Hi SBA,

i find a ballance of people who knew Jerry has died and others that don't has helped. At the moment I'm missing him a lot I have our sons and we grieve and celebrate him together,  but I need to switch off now and again  so a new group that didn't know Jerry has helped and work as it's a large workplace only my close colleagues know so that helps. I should have gone out tonight a routine meet  up,  something we both did for years  with a group of close friends but   I just couldn't . They will understand I will go again in few weeks but today I needed to be alone. The coming home to an empty house is hard so I put the radio and lamp on a timer I shout hello when I come in. I don't expect our sons to remember our wedding anniversary they will be focused on the anniversary of his death a few days later. After your post I think I will be more proactive and ask a friend and plan a meal. For his birthday we baked a cake and we celebrated and our good friends sent photos of them rasing  a glass it helped a lot. It's a horrible place to be in and sometimes it's the stupid little things like putting tea bags in two cups and then realising I only need to make one, I so want to throw the cup against the wall and scream so I guess that's normal. This forum has helped enormously even if sometimes I'm balling my eyes out. Xx 

Ruby Diamond, thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply. 

Although I wouldn’t wish the loss of a partner on anyone it’s reassuring that I’m not the only one that is experiencing similar emotions. 

My wife had a large group of friends that all seem to use each other as support.  This is great for them but makes me feel even more alone  

I spent her birthday alone, I think only one person contacted me on that day 

They celebrated her birthday together as a group  

I was not my scene, but I admit that it made me feel like an outsider  

The lady that had been my everything for over 30 years somehow felt to me that she belonged to them (probably not the right word to use) 

We had been a partnership, we experience all of life’s highs and lows  

We were together at all the appointments, chemo sessions,scans, surgery, hospital stays and ultimately the month spent in the hospice  

At every stage I was the strong one for everyone. 

The person that updated everyone, explained the current situation, reassured everyone, prepared people for the worst

Then all of a sudden my purpose was over  

My wife was no longer there in need of someone to support her  

My role as messenger and support to every one else was no longer needed  

I’m now watching from the sidelines as others share memories and celebrate milestones together  

I feel redundant, alone without purpose

I’m not one that shows my emotions, how can I show that I may need support   

I think it’s support I need?  I’m not used to being the one that may need someone to lean on  

Hi SBA,

I am so very sorry for your loss and glad you have joined this group as this is one of the places where you can find support from people who understand because they have gone through very similar situations.

I lost my Paul in May of 218. We had been together for 9 years and, even though this was not a very long time compared to the time some others here have had with their partners, it was a very intense time and I have so many good memories of my life with him.

I totally get what you are saying about lack of purpose. I was my husband's carer for almost a year. I did everything for him and us: cooking, cleaning, washing, bank stuff, paying bills, giving Paul his medication, accompanying him to appointments, discussing options for treatment with doctors, etc. In our case, there was not much family around who needed to be updated or informed, but if there had been family, I would have taken on that role as well to inform them and keep them updated and reasure them and so on. Now that my husband is no longer here, I feel this lack of purpose as well. This is one of the reasons why I so much want to work in a hospital with cancer patients - I think that is what I would be really good at and it is what would give me a sense of real purpose: to help people who are really unwell to feel a little bit better, at least for a while. This feeling of lack of real purpose is really difficult to bear, particularly because I am only 37 years of age and sometimes allow myself to think: Is this what the rest of my life is going to be? No purpose? And is this enough what I have now?

Love and hug, Mel.