NOT FAIR !!!

Hi Rolf we bought a new caravan and changed car we live near Norfolk coast when she was diagnosed we were going to give up work and just enjoy the time we had left we were told about 5 years turns out  3weeks so unfair I know

Hi Rolf and Newb. No it’s definitely not fair. It hit me again this evening when I was washing up after having something to eat. 

One plate ,one knife, one fork and one cup. 

Dont even bother using the dishwasher anymore. 

Mike 

Tell me about it. I got a four-year contract to work here on a tropical island. A dream come true. The first year was great. My husband was getting used to the place and was adjusting to retirement. At the very beginning of our second year - incurable lung cancer. 13 months later, he died. And now I'm alone with all the dreams we had and all the regrets only I can have.

It's strange isn't it we spend our lives wording about work and bills new this new that and bang something like this happens and it put everything in to prospective I now no longer worry about the next pay day stuff it I just want to get through the day and bed to ease the pain a little isn't it strange

Just going through the motions. Living because there's breath in me. I'm invited to a get-together tomorrow to celebrate a colleague's birthday. I 'm going so as not to isolate myself even more than I already am but coming back home will be hard. But, I've digressed. Yes, Newb, we get caught up in all the material concerns and then, like you say, all of a sudden, none of it matters anymore. I watch some of my colleagues doing loads of overtime and I wonder what's the sense. The thing is you work your whole life, then you barely get to enjoy the little bit of time you have left. Some people don't even get to retirement.

Look at us, our lives today are about getting through the day. It's like we've become a different breed living in another dimension. I feel so set apart now, as if I was branded with a hot iron, with death written all over me. I don't know if anybody sees what I mean. 

A friend asked me on the phone tonight if I had something nice for dinner. I answered that I had something, not exactly nice; it was just food. Who cares?

I don't mean to bombard you with posts but I just wanted to get something else off my chest. I had an appointment with a dermatologist this morning. His office was in a clinic. It was awful being back in that environment: secretaries calling patients about future appointments, doctors walking around, dreary waiting-rooms. All the anguish and anxiety welled up again in me. I felt so sick being there. All those terrible memories of tests and despairing reports. I'm sorry. I'll stop here.

Limbo. Great name, it describes our experience well.

I know what you mean about going to things. I was on a bus trip yesterday with others from a group I go to. Felt like I wasn't really there. We were at a garden centre and I wandered around aimlessly on my own, couldn't even go in for a coffee and see everyone enjoying themselves. 

Hospital appointments are difficult. Hope you're okay.

You post as often as you need.

We are definitely all in the same life raft get up in the morning suffer the pain and loneliness, even through we might be in a crowd. Try and get through the day , and can’t wait to get back to bed again. All seems so pointless. 

Hi I feel the same feel so lost without my husband.  Life will never be the same again. I have the support of my daughter and her family but I’m so lonely and lost.

I know how you feel.

My husband was diagnosed in 2007 with Multiple Myeloma, he was 'given' 2 years, but with a stem cell transplant we were able to get to 12 years before he passed.

His passing devastated me. At the time I was undergoing chemo for Stage 4 Lymphoma, and if I'd been given a choice, I think I would have just - drifted away.  But I have two kids, 20 & 21 at the time, and they need me.

I had sepsis a month after Gerry passed, my port had become infected, it exacerbated to severe sepsis and I was in the intensive care unit for 2 weeks.  Again, deep down I just wanted to die.

It's been almost a year since Gerry passed.  Walking is very difficult for me (I'm numb from my waist to my toes, peripheral neuropathy from the chemo) and I just fell and cracked a couple of ribs, which is almost more painful than my original tumors were.

And, having said all of that, I FEEL DAMNED LUCKY.

I have a home, I have food, I have family that loves me and I was able to spend time with the great love of my life, Gerry.  Every day we had was a gift, and I am grateful for them.

Life is very hard many days, but when I'm honest with myself, it doesn't make make it less sweet.  I laugh on a regular basis, I have friends I love, I bake when I'm able (and I'm PISSED that there are no older, fatter women on GBBO right now!) and - before the rib issue - I was able to ride about a mile on my bike.

So much of my life is different, and is harder, and much of it stinks.  But I still consider myself luckier than 85% of the folks in the world, I have all I need (and then some) and I have many things to keep my life and my mind occupied.

I hope the better, brighter things are able to enter your life very soon.  Right now, it's dark, and I'm so sorry for that.

Best,
Annie