My darling wife Anne passed from pancreatic cancer almost two months ago. After the initial massive grief attacks, which were many, my emotions seemed to calm down some what and I got on with living alone for the first time in my life. I shopped, did the house work, the washing and all the stuff one needs to do to survive. But recently the 'newness' of this new existance has started to become mundane and an effort. And I now find myself sitting around reminiscing too much about how things used to be, and so the crying bouts have kicked in again, although no grief attacks - yet! At any moment I expect my Anne to walk in the door and say. " Hello love. Well how did you get on?" As if this has all been some kind of exercise to see how I could cope without her. But of course it's not. This is the reality till the day I die, which I hope will be verh soon as I'm 73. For 4yrs I've been using an e-Vape but have drifted back to using tobacco as well because it gives me a greater hit. My beer intake has risen to a point now where I just don't care how many cans I drink or when. Although it goes without sayingI don't drink and drive. Basically I don't care a damn about me anymore because I have no purpose in life and don't wish to seek one out either. On the days I feel able I go fishing which gets me out the house only to return to a home that is totally lifeless. A home without a soul. Just before writing this post I had a slight pain in my chest, probably a muscle spasm from some lifting I did yesterday and I found myself hoping I might have a fatal heart attack to get out of this pointless existance. Sadly that wasn't the case. My antidepressants don't seem to help much any more and having experienced councelling in the past for clinical depression and acute anxiety I find that a no go area. Any results for me were very short lived. So I'll carry on doing what ever I need to do to ease the pain, regardless of health dangers, until its my turn to leave this circus of hell and join my soul mate.
Love and Light.
Geoff.
