The loss of my "Soul mate"

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife, and her journey was a short illness that you both had to endure. It is very traumatic and nobody can prepare you for it or the afterwards.

Please don't feel guilty for accepting invitations and trying to enjoy moments. It's good that you sound to have a supportive family and children, and also well done for arranging counselling. Sometimes it's good to talk and off load and this site is good for that too.

Be gentle to yourself, this is a journey we never asked to go on and there really isn't a guide book. Eat often and rest when you can.

Dear Haya,

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and soul mate. I really feel for you. Your wife and you had such a long journey together from the years as teenagers until now, and although I don't know how old you are now and how many years you had together, I know it was too early for her to go.

I am glad you have found this forum here and that, even though you describe yourself as a very private person, you have decided to come on here and post. It takes courage, but I think you will soon see how helpful it is to be able to connect with people in the same or a very similar situation.

I myself lost my soul mate in May of 2018. I soon discovered that, no matter how much I had read about the grieving process and the steps of grief, nothing could have prepared me for my own personal journey with grief, and it is a personal journey for all of us. I know the feeling that you are going around in circles, but the truth is that grief is not a linear process; sometimes we feel worse and sometimes we feel better, sometimes we feel sad, angry, frustrated, hopeless, grateful for having had our soul mate for as long as we did, guilty for enjoying ourselves... all the emotional ups and downs you can think of.

Be kind to yourself is all I can say. Paul and I used to do everything together and therefore everything I did after his death reminded me of him naturally.

Let the tears come as well as every other feeling. It is very important to do so so that you can process the grief and move forward in it.

It's good that you have counselling arranged, and you will find out whether it works for you. I was glad for the few counselling sessions I had because it gave me strength to know that I had somebody in my corner, somebody who would listen to me no matter what. I am not in counselling now, but on the low days I am thinking about starting again.

I too quit work when my husband became very sick with prostate cancer that had spread to his liver. I found, though, that soon after his death I needed to go back to work because work helped me to cope and make the long and lonely days shorter.

Please don't feel guilty for trying to enjoy yourself a little with neighbours. I never experienced this feeling of guilt personally because I knew how much Paul would have wanted me to enjoy myself and find comfort in the company of others; however, I know that many of us on here feel guilty from time to time and it is a normal part of grieving. The important thing is that you keep doing it anyway because of your own sanity.

Would you like to hare the name of your wife and soul mate? It might help you to write about her in the posts to us all.

After 15 months on this journey I can tell you that the pain of loss will be there and maybe accompany your forever, but you will learn to cope and live with it better.

I think the important thing is the support network you mentioned - in form of your kids who kindly stayed with you as well as your neighbours and this forum that is always here for you.

Love and virtual hugs from a stranger, who is going through a similar situation, only a little longer than you, and perhaps it helps to know that we are here to talk and share. Equally, if you don't feel like writing, that's okay too. Nobody has to write here, but I think we are all glad to know we can.

Mel.

Mel,

Thank you so much for your comforting words. Everything you have written is exactly how I have been feeling. I am at the beginning of my journey and if I am honest I am very scared of what lies ahead. 

My wife's name was Alison and known to me and all that knew her as Ali, and we are 52 years old and we had been together since we were teenagers and we did everything together. It is our wedding anniversary on 23rd September and our daughter is expecting our first grandchild 3 days before Ali's birthday in January and I am dreading it.

I have encouraged our children to talk about her and make sure we continue to talk about her when ever we can. 

Thank you for your response and thoughts 

Hello Haya

So sorry for your loss, sorry that you had to join this group but I hope you will find some comfort here. Your loss is very recent, we are all at different stages but everyone here understands something of what you're going through.  I lost John 3 months ago, he died at 65 of prostate cancer which was already advanced when diagnosed in November 2016. We were married for nearly 38 years, he was my best friend and soulmate. I miss him so much, all the joy has gone out of my life and just getting through the days is a challenge.  We were told it was incurable right from the start but chemo and various meds knocked it back, until a year ago when it spread to the bones and eventually the liver and kidneys. He was a lovely man and made me so happy, he would do anything for anyone and even in the last few weeks, when he was very ill and frail, he didn't think about himself but worried about me, he always tried to make things easier for me. I know he wanted me to make a life without him and I'm gradually going back to doing some of the things I did before, but mainly things I used to do on my own, like going to choir, meeting friends for lunch, going swimming. I find it very difficult going places we used to go together. I'm sure your wife would want you to move forward and do things without her,  but it is very early days. I try to have something planned for each day, even if it's just going to the local shops. It is good that you have your family with you, my son and daughter don't live nearby. There's nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but you are among friends here.

Anne x

Hello Haya. I am very sorry for your loss and know how hard it is for you. My wife passed away on the 15 July with melanoma which had spread to her brain. She was very healthy a few weeks before it spread , and it is horrible watching your soulmate suffer like that. We did everything together and like you am now at such a loss . Everything I do and see reminds me of her . Even doing the ironing today I was crying. We were married 43 years.

the house is exactly the same as when she was here. I can’t bear to change anything , it gives me some comfort having Winnie’s things around me. 

Please stick with us on this group as we can all give each other some comfort, and we all know what each other is going through.

Heres hoping our days get better. 

Mike 

Hello Haya,

I just wanted to express my sympathy too. I don't know how, but somehow we continue to live, to survive. My husband died in December and I never thought I'd still be here today. I won't lie to you, it's not any easier; it has actually got harder but life seems to take us along. Don't feel guilty about the breaks you have from your grief. You need those moments with your friends. Ten days after my husband died, I celebrated my 50th birthday. I ate cake, I drank wine and I actually laughed. Maybe we are wired in such a way that in the face of disaster or other traumatic events, we don't cave in, even if we may prefer to. Even though I'm further down the road than you, it's still impossible for me to project into the future. Be patient with yourself. Lean on those that are willing to support you.

Hi Limbo,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. It is 4 weeks to the day that my wife died and I still cant imagine life without her and my every thought is about her every day. On 23rd September it is our 31st wedding anniversary and I don't know what to do! I have been out with friends and I have laughed and got drunk and then ended up a jibbering wreck. My was very positive and unselfish, even at the end, and I am desperately trying to be like her, but it is difficult at times and I know she wants me to be strong and move forward 

Many thanks 

Haya

Hello Haya,

In June, we would have celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary. I played a song we both liked, danced and cried all by myself and had a glass of wine.do something, anything to celebrate even if it's just looking at photos. Your wife is still alive in your heart. We are all dying inside but oerhaps the little rituals we invent bring a teeny-weeny bit of comfort. You don't need to be any stronger than you already are. Sometimes I tell myself the same thing but my husband also knew how much I loved him and how much I would miss him, so I tell myself that if he's seeing me now, it may pain him to see me like this, but he'll understand. Don't put any pressure on yourself.

Hello Limbo,

You are so right, my wife would want me to move on and she said just that before she passed away. I will celebrate our anniversary, and I will continue throughout my life and I know it will be a very difficult day. I keep telling myself to take one day at a time, but my emotions and fears seem to run away with themselves. My wife will live forever in my heart and I will continue to take little steps forward.

Thank you very much for being there 

Haya