Defending oneself in grief

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Hi all, I'm sorry I haven't been on for months and months. It's been tough. I decided to halve my antidepressants because I felt that they were stalling my grief, and I was right. So seven months after my husband died, I started to experience a much stronger grief, but, thank goodness, one that feels more natural and more cathartic. All that being said, I realise I really need to come back to this forum - it has been so helpful in the past and I know I still have a long row to hoe.

I am disabled, and so it's been really tough trying to get through every day on my own. I was able to secure some help, which was great. But one of the people who is supposed to help me is also a friend. Today, she let me have it. And amongst all the other things she said was, "Get your finger out of your butt and stop feeling sorry for yourself." This person sees me 8-10 hours a week and doesn't know what I do with the remaining hours. It was my understanding that the support was supposed to be pretty inclusive of what I needed help with - cooking, washing up, some light help with laundry, cat litter box, etc. The others who are part of this scheme are wonderful and help me without my even asking. This person seems to have a problem. "I'm your carer, not your maid." Hmmm, never asked her to do anything other than what was discussed at the beginning of all this.

I've asked for a confidential meeting with the manager of this group so we can discuss it. I am no longer comfortable with this person and she was sure to have this "chat" with me in a public place. I felt ridiculous sitting there crying into my cup of coffee. Why are some people like that? How is God's name can she tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I lost my husband, my best friend, my soul mate and I live far from my family. Sorry if I'm not a barrel of laughs everyday. I thought I was doing so well, too...

Thanks for reading...I needed to vent. Anyone else have impossible "friends" who just don't understand grief?

Martha

winmick over 5 years ago in reply to Wildcat

Hi Wildcat sorry you’re not doing well ,it’s a horrible journey we are on . I have had a lousy day to , a lot of crying and wondering around the house aimlessly. Like you I can see no way forward. Everything seems so pointless. I just pray their is some light at the end of the tunnel. Take care.

Mike

Love you always Winnie xx

MarthaGM over 5 years ago in reply to winmick

Hi again, Mike,

Five weeks is no time at all. And you are probably still at the point where it is all terrible unreal. I felt that way for such a long time, but I think that was down to the antidepressants dulling me down into basically an "autopilot" mode. My husband died almost a year ago, now, it will be a year on September 30. I don't feel any less sad than I did immediately following his death. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I feel more sad. You may find that nature provides a bit of a "shock absorber" or natural anaesthesia in the first weeks and months after death. I've been grieving more intensely over the last month than before, and I've been told it could have been the antidepressants that dulled the pain or just the mind's natural defense mechanism. We can't just "get over" losing someone we loved. Can't be done. And we shouldn't expect to. The best advice I can give from my place on my journey is to allow the grief to do its thing - ride it like a wave. It isn't going to disappear and you can't really conquer it. You simply learn to live with it and make it part of your story. I always think of those words from Billie Holiday's "Good Morning Heartache" at the end where the line is, "Might as well get used to you hanging round, good morning, heartache, sit down."

You take care, too...

Martha

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
Life must end, but love is eternal.

winmick over 5 years ago in reply to MarthaGM

Hi Martha. Thank you for the advice, I will take it all onboard. Another bad day today, but that seems to be the norm now. I hope you have a good day today.

Mike

Love you always Winnie xx

limbo over 5 years ago in reply to MarthaGM

Hi Martha,

I've been reading your posts and can totally relate. People who have never experienced the loss of a spouse feel they have the answers and think they can shake us out of wnat they imagine to be self-pity. What they don't realize is that, as a matter of fact, we have every reason to be feeling sorry for ourselves. We were dealt a hard blow from which we will never really recover, from what I understand. So, you know what, let's wallow in self-pity as long as we need to!

You said that your grief was even more pronounced now than before. Yesterday was 8 months since my husband died and was telling my sister that I feel even more loenly now than befroe, probably because I'm finding the time long without him.

I hope things work out quickly for you. Having your daughter close to you will surely help.

limbo over 5 years ago in reply to winmick

Mike,

I really have nothing comforting to say to you except that we all share your pain, your lousy days; we all shed the same tears and we're all here for you.

I'm sending you big, tight hug.

winmick over 5 years ago in reply to limbo

Hi Limbo yes we are all suffering the same pain. Hopefully we will all get through it in one piece.

Big big hug back to you.

Mike

Love you always Winnie xx

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Defending oneself in grief