Hi everyone,
Two recent threads on here have made me decide to write this post. The threads are the one started by Andrea talking about symptoms of cancer and the all too familiar conversation about what we could have seen or should have seen and why we weren't able to see it and what we would do if we could have it all over again. And the other thread is "Struggling" which is very long and I am not sure who started it.
I think many of us, myself included, get into a situation from time to time where they do this mental looping. For example, I think of Paul during his last day at home, I think of a particular situation, I replay it in my mind, I find fault with what I did or how I reacted, I blame myself, I replay the situation again but this time with the desired reaction, I blame myself again for not having reacted appropriately... and the pain gets bigger and bigger until I can hardly breathe and basically think what an f***ing cow I am for not having done whatever I now feel I should have done.
It is so easy to fall into those traps.
When we are early in our grieving process, I think it is normal that we can't see how futile this is, and part of getting to terms with what has happened is to feel this "what if" quite a bit.
But later on, when we are aware that our thoughts have once again wandered off into the "what ifs" and into self-blame, I think we need to take control of our thoughts and stop ourselves.
It's a bit like what I teach in mindfulness meditation. When your mind has wandered from the present moment, notice it, say "oh thinking" to yourself as acknowledgement of what you've been doing, and come back to the present moment.
We should not be on our own case at every minute of every day, but I believe it could be helpful to not go with every story our mind is telling us.
Because, guys, it remains a fact: We cannot change any of what has happened. All our thinking and all our self-blame and all our questioning won't bring the husbands and wives and partners back.
I have interrupted two our my thought processes this morning already. And it almost felt a little sad to do so. I think this is because these thoughts have become so familiar to me. But I want to make space for new thoughts.
Love, Mel.
