We Are Never Safe From The Pain...

Hi Mel I am sure you did , and you know you.did everything you could have done for Paul. But we all think that . Winnie passed away at home at 6 am I was in the room with her all night , giving her drops of water and holding her hand. But I still think what more could I have done.  

Mel that’s strange because last night in bed the last few days of Winnie’s life were going through my head. She was in no pain but the look on her face will never leave me. She had melanoma and the last couple of weeks spread to her brain, so the last couple of days she couldn’t speak much . The day before she died she was lying on her back looking up at me ,I said what are you thinking, her reply was 

I adore you .( I am crying now ) a few hours before she passed she said in a quiet voice,Please be happy.

I never spoke to the oncologist afterwards, maybe I should have done, but it wouldn’t make any difference to what happened,

you scattered the ashes on yours and Paul special beach , I am sure he would want that and would not want you fretting about it . You did the right thing for you and Paul  I am one of those who kept the ashes. I have them in a blue teardrop shaped urn. And also some of her red hair in a glass vase beside it  my sons know when I go to mix them up an scatter them in the garden  

I am still crying most of the time. It’s the loneliness an quietness that really gets me.

Sorry for rambling  

sant you a friend request. Ps it’s nice to have company in Ireland 

Hope you have a good day today.

 Mike 

Oh, Mel.   I am so sorry that you are having a bad time right now.  Why, oh why do we torture ourselves with these feelings of guilt and wishing so much we could change things we have done.  It's as if we are punishing ourselves for mistakes we think we have made.  Maybe we really did make mistakes but we did what we felt was right under the most awful circumstances.  Dealing with a situation nobody should have to deal with, but sadly one that most of us will have to cope with at some point.

 I don't think I appreciated just how much stress I was under  for nearly 4 years.  I was lucky in making the right decision over seeing the oncologist, but it was just that, luck.   The timing was dictated by the hospital, more than my planning.     I know I made mistakes during the 4 years and in the first months after Paul died.   I think we all do, but if we are honest, I think we are just overwhelmed by everything.   Trying to function with this enormous black cloud of despair hovering over us.   I know I was In too much of a rush to "sort" things and get back to normal, which of course never happens.  

Like you, I wish I had kept Paul's ashes to mix with mine but I wanted to give his daughters somewhere to go and "chat" to him.  That doesn't happen very often so I definitely got that wrong.    But if I had kept his ashes, I think I would be wishing that I had buried them at our little cemetery.   Such awful decisions to make - we are bound to overthink things.   I was such a confident, decisive person before cancer took it all away.   Gradually the real me is appearing but only occasionally.  I was out with friends yesterday and was talking to another widow.  We both agreed we were having a nice time but  we would so much prefer to have our old lives back.    I came home and had a good cry despite having had a really good time with good friends.  

I wish I could make you feel better (and myself too) but I just wanted you to know my feelings are just the same as yours.  Maybe as I am further on than you, I don't think about them quite as much.  

Sending you a big hug.  

 Yes I saw your friend request and I accepted it, at least I think I did. Please let me know if I didn’t and I will try again. 

 Yes you are so right, I think we did the best we could at such difficult time and yet we are asking ourselves what more we could have done and there is a strange feeling of that being right in it isn’t there? It is as if by thinking about it again and again we could eventually try and find fault with what we did. But I can tell you I have done this so many times  in the past 15 months since Paul died! It’s just something that happens and then it passes and then it comes back again out of the blue 

 It’s lovely what she said to you. Unfortunately, Paul and I were and able to say much. He was far too weak to speak and very disoriented and confused towards the end.  We had a very beautiful and from my point of you symbolic exchange though one moment during his last night where he cried out that he wanted to go to a more beautiful place now, and while the nurses didn’t seem to understand what that could mean, I knew what it meant and I hug him and said to him that I would accompany him to that place. 

 Where the ashes are concerned, I think what you are doing is beautiful. And I think what I did was right and I had concert does it long enough to be sure that it wasn’t right for us. It’s just one of those things that came up yesterday as well. 

 I don’t know what the weather is like in Cork today, it’s certainly very grey and windy in Dublin. 

Hi Mel,

Your heading says it all. Sorry you to hear you had a bad day yesterday. So did I. I had a migraine set of from overwhelming feelings of having to work without Richard earlier in the week.

I was sick from 2pm to midday today. I have just got to the pub to have a pint of fat coke. It helps with head! Reading the above posts made me shed tears.

Whilst times goes on you do have more better days, it does not stop the pain from resurfacing. 

Glad you are feeling better today. Did you watch the movie?

It is raining here but has not stopped me sitting outside in the pub garden to reflect for a moment.  Must go now as a friend is joining me soon.

With lots of love,

Dutsie x