When they were first diagnosed

Hi Sarah and all,

I can so relate to most of what you have written, Sarah.

When we learned that Paul had mets to his liver, I went into doing-mode. I read everything on prostate cancer that I could get my hands on, I learned an awful lot about the cancer and treatment options and palliative care and complementary treatments. I also was present for every single doctor appointment and, later on, even every single blood test because I feared that something could be discussed where it would be helpful if I fought Paul's corner. I cooked for him, made sure he had food, made sure he had his Fortisips, made sure he had a little but not too much exercise... Well, you all know how all that goes. I rarely had time to myself and, whenever I did, I would either be too exhausted to do anything for myself or else I was looking up things and reading and all that.

I had the anticipatory grief but tried not to go there. I just ignored the fact that we wouldn't have long except for the very few occasions when I just couldn't ignore it or when we spoke about it. Then I would feel a level of anxiety rise in me that I hadn't known existed.

I too feel the uncertainty a lot. I can't actually think about the future. I can only do it in little steps like, for example, I know what I am going to do for the next couple of weeks or months, I know that I will go over to my parents for Christmas, I know that I am going to do the Doula course in January of next year, I can look forward to the time I am going to have with friends or now with my brother who is coming over to stay with me for two weeks tomorrow, and I think it depends on how positive I feel in myself at nay given moment how far I can think ahead. But, over all, there is a fear of the future and the knowledge that the only way to do this is day by day. I do have more physical complaints as before as well; for example, sometimes I feel very exhausted for no obvious reason or I have a sudden pain or ache somewhere and don't know where it comes from, and then ther is the fear with that of what it might be and what I would do if I got really sick now here on my own without him.

I don't cry very much either. I do occasionally and have recently begun to notice that I can cry more easily now and that things like a beautiful piece of music can set me off.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Hi Lancashhirelass1 I am so sorry for your loss. But I agree with you . I hate the word widower I consider myself still married as well .

and I will never take my wedding ring off. 

Take care. Mike 

Hi Lancashirelass1,,

I do have that too. I am Paul's wife. I am married and I am proud to be Paul's wife. And it's with the same sentiment that I am wearing my engagement and wedding rings and only take them off when I am making a meat loaf or when I am working in the clinic with essential oils. Paul is no longer here and had to leave me way too early, but I am still his and will always be his. That's how I feel.

Love, Mel.

Hi all on this post line,

I haven't been on here for about two years.  After Andrew died I read every post every day and cried, feeling a connection with all the grief.  My beautiful boy, my husband, ceased his suffering three years ago on 25 October 2016 aged 63.  Even now I think of him constantly and sometimes cry at night or if a memory is triggered.  Sometimes I'm blindsided by the sudden horror of realising he's gone and I will never hear his voice or feel his living warmth again.  However, I no longer feel the real raw grief which was so painful.

I experienced anticipatory grief while looking after Andrew and lost a stone in weight, which was quite a lot since I only weighed 8 stone to begin with.   I also grieved from the day of diagnosis, I just knew he wouldn't make it.  We fought for two years till the lung cancer finally took him.  After he died I experienced chest pains for quite a while.  Don't know ow if it was psychosomatic but I decided it was my heart being broken.  

I still wear my wedding ring, I am Andrews wife. Neither of us chose to end our marriage. 

Bless you all on this hard road we share.

Carolyn

Evening all thank you all for your replies and sharing your experience it really does get us all through doesn’t it. Although we would y wish our pain on anyone just to k ow we have each other and the pain and feeling we are dealing with are all part of the grieving process 

love Jane x

Hi Carolyn, 

I am sorry about your loss. Its not easy to cope after losing our loved ones. Its been two months on Saturday, since I suddenly lost my beloved husband. I haven't thinking about myself as a widow and never will. I am still his wife and he is my husband. My wedding ring will stay on my finger forever. 

Yes, you are right. Neither of us chose to end our marriages.

Take care

Love & hugs

Andrea

Hi Andrea,

You will be still feeling either very raw or very numb.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Believe me, time doesn't heal exactly but the scars don't hurt quite so sharply and a certain acceptance gradually filters in.  I don't think, however,  that total acceptance is ever quite reached because this wasn't what our life together was supposed to be. Unfortunately it's all part and parcel of life, and not everyone has a fairytale ending.

I'd like to share something I read in book recently, which is 

"When the music ends for someone you love, you don't stop dancing.  You dance for them as well."

I rather like this 

Hugs, Carolyn x

Hi Carolyn, 

I have to agree with everything, you wrote here. 

My boss asked me today, whether things have got easier for me. Well. This only shows, how much people don't know about our feelings! How could things get any easier when part of us is missing forever! ! I walked into the office this morning and was crying before i set down. Things are not getting any easier. I feel, its getting even harder. We may gradually learn to live alone, but the numbness and loneliness will accompany us. I don't even know, whether i will smile again.

Love and hugs xx

Andrea

Hi Andrea , I was just reading your post , Winnie passed 10 weeks yesterday and things do seem to be getting harder . 2 months is such a short time but such a long time to be separated from the one person you really love  

I don’t think we will ever learn to live alone , but we will learn to cope with it and put up with it , as hard as it will be .

sorry to hear you were crying in work today, I hope you get some rest tonight. 

Take care .

 Mike x

Hi to both Andrea and Mike,

Andrea, some people think that just because they've moved on, you have too. Their lives haven't changed while yours has been basically hit by a bolt of lightning.  No one who hasn't lost a partner can imagine the gut-wrenching trauma.  I have a lovely friend who lost her 36 year old son to a brain tumour.  I can feel so sad for her and share the common ground of grieving a loved one, but I have no real notion of the horror of losing a child.  Conversely, she still has a loving husband.  Life, eh? 

Mike, ten weeks is about the time you begin to understand that your loved one hasn't gone on an extended holiday or a long game of hide and seek.  You become aware that it's forever, and the shock is starting to wear off, leaving you raw all over again. Even now I find myself occasionally surprised that Andrew hasn't been around for a very long time.  I have to tell myself that he is the one person among his family and friends who is truly at peace (and he so deserved it after all that he suffered)

One day you will both be able to smile, and laugh and even feel some sort of happiness, even if it makes you feel guilty.   We endure. 

Love, Carolyn x