Hi,
My husband died of cancer in December 2018. The pain still feels raw, the memories of his decline still fresh and at times I still cannot believe that he is no longer here and will never be becoming back. Like almost everyone here, my husband was my soulmate. We had no children and were always together. I live in a foreign country where I have no family and not really anybody I consider a close friend. I cope at work, put on a brave front and, of course, cry my heart out when I'm alone. The loneliness is sometimes overwhelming and I'm finding it more and more difficult speaking about my experience and feelings. People may be well-intentioned but do not realize how hurtful and cruel their words sound. Lately, friends and relatives have been 'reminding' me of the fact that we all have to die one day and that I should consider myself lucky for having had the love I shared with Gilles. One friend recently asked me if I expected someone to stay with me forever and that instead of asking myself 'why me', which I have never done, I should ask myself 'why not me'. I've since decided to keep my pain to myself because, obviously, no-one can understand what we're going through unless they've lost a spouse through death. My thoughts and feelings are similar to those of everyone here: not knowing how to live without my husband, missing him desperately, feeling empty and sad and not knowing if or when it will get better. My zeal for life has gone and everything seems meaningless. I've travelled a bit since December but it's not the same.
I am glad to have the opportunity to write these few words knowing I will not be judged or considered weak or deficient in any way. It makes a difference when others truly understand what you're going through.
