Expressing my gratitude

FormerMember over 5 years ago

3 replies
24 subscribers
1814 views

Hello everyone. Not one for posting terribly much but I read daily all the posts and I still regularly pop in each evening to read how people are getting on and to feel less alone. It is awful to know others are in such pain but sadly at the same time it gives much comfort knowing that I am not going mad. I really just wanted to let everyone who keeps the posts going on this site know how much all of your words, thoughts, kindness, compassion and generosity of spirit really does help in all our dark days. I suppose I just wanted to acknowledge that as whilst I don't post I am so grateful to those who are so open and kind and who give so much.

It will be eleven months on Wednesday since I lost him and I remain broken and the void is as vast now as it was last year. The sadness stays with me but amidst those showers of sadness I can now feel at times blessed for the times I had with him. This wonderful (but not perfect) man who took time out of his life to give some part of himself to me. My sadness won't leave me and I don't want it to really but what I do have now is perspective. That is another gift he has given and I now know what is important and how precious people are. I no longer care about the small things so much. So what if the house is looking a bit tired, so what if I don't have the latest gadget, and when someone is gossiping about someone else I really don't care. I care about those who are precious to me and I try to be kind to others. But whether I am a better person or a worse one, whilst there are no words to ease the pain, and I am full of 'I wish this hadn't happened' his death has changed me in some way for the better and given me a perspective. No one can come clost to the relationship we had but there is some hope, some light that filters through albeit not everyday but part of that light comes from this site for me. Please keep posting, keep sharing, look after yourselves, and others.

Sorry for waffling

Ruby Diamond over 5 years ago

Hi Peanut 123

What a lovely post.

I too read every post and I sometimes comment, but I take alot of comfort especially at the start of my journey that what I was feeling and experiencing was ok, "normal" for a recently bereaved person.

I also feel proud of myself for how far I've come. I can feel the raw emotion and the absolute desperation from some of our new "joiners" it takes me right back to the hospice where my husband spent 6 long weeks and although I will never forget it, I now don't have that gut wrenching pain and the wind knocked out of me. I have made progress.

I still have to find my new normal, my life is so lonely without my lovely husband, but my son's (19 & 13) keep me busy and we support each other. I am still shocked that my husband left us on 31/03/18 it breaks my heart that it's been over a year since I held him, kissed him and I never will again.

I take one day at a time, and am thankful for the good friends and family I have and who have supported us. You certainly find out who is there for you when this awful disease strikes.

Take care everyone

Ruby diamond x

FormerMember over 5 years ago in reply to Ruby Diamond

Yes Ruby Diamond I think the sheer palpable nature of the heartbreak I read each day was what compelled me to write something tonight. I just felt that the strength that you all have which you all may not realise you have just shouts out from every post at times and I too can be propelled back to those very early days so easily. Our wound is still very much open, the scar tissue is just a bit thicker I think. I am at times in awe of you all who can speak so openly and eloquently about your feelings at any given time. Please know that those expressions help others around realise that they are connected to others who care and who matter. Someone is listening.

You are right to feel proud to have come this far, we are changed forever but with that change comes some form of peace. As you say we will search for our new normal and one day, bit by bit that new normal will grow whilst bringing our loved ones with us. Very best wishes xx

Ruby Diamond over 5 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Thank you.

I love that someone is always listening and as you say can put into words what we may be feeling at any particular time.

Best wishes to you too, it's a lonely journey we have but we will take our loved ones with us and treasure all our memories.

Ruby diamond x

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Expressing my gratitude