No life

Oh Wildcat

It's so hard being here alone, missing our loved ones.

Remembering the illness journey is horrid, at the time we do our best,  it's only afterwards that we can process it all.

It's so hard to comprehend all that happens and then we are left alone to make a new life.

Do you have friends and family near to support you? I try and give myself little tasks to complete. Nothing exciting, abit of gardening, go for a walk, housework is always to be done!! I also haven't moved much of my husband's things. I know I will but there is no rush.

Yesterday, I had a big cry, I had lots to do and it overwhelmed me so I came home in tears. Then I was cross with myself as I hadn't done any of the things on the list, and there is no-one else to do them.

I will try again today.

Sending a big hug

Hi Wildcat,

I was so sorry to read how low you have been feeling all this time. And I am glad you have reached out to the group now because, even though it may feel as if there is nothing worth saying, even acknowledging your pain and putting it into words to people whom you know understand may help a little. Because it may remind you that, while it is an awful journey you are on, you are not alone in it and we are all here trying to cope as best we can with our new life, and this group is part of our way of trying to cope and continuing with our lives I think.

It is very sad that your journey with your beloved ended in such a cruel way and that he was taken from you so early and that you have no future together in this lifetime. However, I think it is important to try and find some meaning in the life you are still here to live. I know that sounds as if I say "Get a life" - but I don't of course. What I am saying is that perhaps there is some way you can feel at least okay with the way things are now. Are there family members or friends with whom you spend time, even though this may seem meaningless as well? I sometimes wonder "What's the point?" but when I then meet a friend and go for coffee or a walk or do little things that used to make me happy I realise that, wow, I am still here, and wouldn't Paul want me to make the most of my life now; and that sometimes helps to go on, even if it is only for the next hour or two or for the next day or two. Are there things you would like to do/could imagine yourself doing for someone or for the community that could give you a sense of meaning? As you know, this search for meaning has been my reason for wanting to volunteer with the hospitals because I felt that the only way I could feel some meaning to my life again would be to help other people in a similar way to the way I helped my husband through his illness and through death.

I sometimes feel, as I said in a previous post, that the magic has gone out of most things. And yet, I am just back from a holiday with my family and I feel that somehow it made me feel better, more stable, more connected. It's as if I would say "Okay, I don't really want to be here without Paul. But I am still here. So I need to try to make the most of this life. And there are people who love me, who are happy I am here, maybe even depend on me in some way. And so I have to go on." It's hard to put this feeling into words. But it's something like, even though I haven't chosen this life on my own, I have to live it now and that's that, and because this is the case, I may as well try and live it as best I can. Does any of this make sense?

I am writing all this to you at the end of a long day and after two glasses of wine.

Love and hugs to you!

Mel.

Just to say thanks. Ive no reason to be here anymore. Don't worry, I doubt if do anything, that needs motivation too. 

wildcat   just chatting online and venting your thoughts helps not only you but all of us here we all feel the same and I think need to know there are others in the same boat big hugs and keep talking to us