Hello everyone,
I am writing this message on my iPhone with the dictate function so please forgive me if there are any mistakes in this message. Knowing how much it helps to share thoughts and feelings here, I would like to share with you how I have been feeling since I came back from my holidays on Saturday. I have been feeling quite lost and on settled to be honest. And I think I am only now Beginning to process everything that has happened during the three weeks with my family. At first my mum was over here in Ireland. On the first day off her visit, we scattered Paul’s ashes at a beach not far from where I live. It felt like the right thing to do because, S I said before, Paul loved nature and always thought about how beautiful it is that we are all a part of everything. Scattering the ashes was somehow lovely. It was a noise, mild evening, the Sun was shining and the sea was nice and calm and till the very moment that I scattered the ashes and then it was as if the waves had suddenly become stronger so that he could be taken out to sea. It was really an interesting experience. I have kept a little bit of the ashes back and we’ll have to see what to do with it. On the third day of my mothers visit, we went over to the west of Ireland and the Aaron Islands which hold a very special memories for me of beautiful times with Paul. And, even though it was emotional to go back, I wasn’t able to feel as much as I had expected or wanted to because I was now they’re in a completely different context. Still, it was lovely to go back. We were there for three days and then returned to Dublin. We had two more days here before we flew to Germany where we spend nine days together with my dad. For two days, my parents had organised a trip to Marbach, a small town in the south of Germany where are used to go to boarding school and spend most of my teenage years and where I encountered Buddhism and where I eventually in 2009 met Paul and fell in love. So, again, lots of very important memories.
I think that, since I came back, I am acutely aware of the fact that, no matter how many friends I have who gave me a warm welcome home, the one person who means the most to me is missing. And I think I am missing Paul more then I used to now because I was with people for three weeks before now being back to being alone again. And I am not a person for being alone.
I love Ireland and its people and the mentality and culture and climate here so much. And I have made friends here who am I would really miss if I did not live here any more. However, being back in Germany made me wonder how it would be for me to go back. I can’t really imagine living in Germany again though and therefore think that perhaps I am only asking myself that question because I connect being back in Germany and particularly Marbach with that wonderful feeling of excitement and help and romance and love I had when I left this town to move to Ireland.
I have also been thinking a lot about my work and have come to realise that I am not satisfied with what I do. Well, I love my work, but I want to do more and I want my work to have more of an impact on people. I think this is why I so much want to work in a hospital setting. But this hasn’t worked out so far and every month, as it is the case for many self-employed people, I am asking myself how much money I will make and how it will work out at the end of the month. That to me feels a little unsettling at the moment as well. That has nothing to do though with the thoughts about going back to Germany because it wouldn’t be any different in Germany. In fact, if I was in Germany, I would half to set up my business all over again which is something I don’t want to do.
And this last point is actually bringing me or pointing to the deepest despair I have at the moment which is that I know I am only 37 years old and I feel so lost on the one hand thinking that I should stay here and that I have a lot to live for here in Ireland but that on the other hand I I am afraid that this is really it and that my life is going to be like this from now on. I mean, my life isn’t bad, but I am sometimes wondering: is there more out there? Should I be doing something different? And is this really enough in the long run? But then, and in contradiction to that, I am wondering what it would be like to move back to Germany, what it would feel like and whether I would be happy with that in the long run. So in a way this is why I feel so lost and groundless because I don’t feel at home anywhere really and don’t know what to do and where to go from here.
Just any of this make any sense to you? Perhaps it does to many of you and particularly to those who, like me, were living for their relationships and their loved ones for years and are therefore now in a place where it seems that nothing is left.
I would love to hear you are thoughts. Love and hugs to everyone. Melanie.
