How to cope

Hi Lavender1969,

i’m so sorry to hear of your husband’s death. The suddenness makes it so difficult to process. I’m sure you are still in shock. I lost my partner on June 20th, he had been diagnosed just 40 days before and even after 6 weeks I am still struggling just to believe it, never mind deal with it. Mark was 43, he was otherwise healthy and strong, he was 6 years younger than me and we joked he was my toyboy. We were together for 10 years and genuinely happy, we worked, travelled and lived together, I never ever even imagined I would have to face life without him. Feeling sick, losing my appetite, constantly being in tears or on the verge of being in tears, losing my memory, losing my concentration, not being able to complete a task, having panic attacks, drifting round with no sense of purpose, feeling so incredibly lonely and alone even with people around you, literally being paralysed with waves of fear about how to get through this, I feel every one of the horrible emotions you are going through.The only thing I can tell you that I am gravitating towards is people who allow me to talk about Mark and who talk about him too. I am having to avoid people (unfortunately some of his close relatives) who are coping by not talking about him as that isn’t working for me at this stage. I keep being told we all get through it differently, if you find anything at all that gives you comfort even for a short time then do it, or even distraction rather than comfort. It is absolutely horrendous to have your life devastated like this, come on here when you feel overwhelmed, there will be someone who knows exactly how you feel. I am starting counselling next week because I really need to learn some coping skills, I’ve no idea if it will help but I don’t know what else to do. My heart goes out to you, I genuinely know how you feel.

Fiona xx

Hi Lavender 1969  . I am so sorry for your loss . I lost my wife on 15 July, so I feel and know exactly how you are feeling . Every word that Fiona said is so true . I can’t stop crying, can’t eat only small bits now and then stomach turning pains in chest hard to breathe sometimes. But for me and I am sure you to is the feeling of being so alone. I still expect Winnie to walk through the door. What helps me a little bit is l have a picture of her on the mantelpiece, I kiss her in the morning , and before I go to bed. I also talk to her a lot. I also lye on the settee in the afternoon with her favorite blanket close my eyes and think of the good times we had. 

I am afraid this journey we are on is going to be a long and lonely one , I just pray to god we can all get through it somehow, and we can think of our loved ones and smile. We are always here to chat 

Thinking of you.

 Mike 

Hi Lavender1969,So Sorry for your loss,I lost my wonderful husband Alan the 5th September last year exactly three weeks after being diagnosed,It’s 11months on Monday and I am finding it just as hard now as I was at the beginning.its early days for you and your emotions will be all over the place,try and eat something and take care of yourself,I wish there was something I could say that would help you,but this group of people are always here to listen and chat,I am probably rambling on as I find I do that lately but if you ever need to chat or even rant about how your feeling someone in the group will respond to you.Even during the night if you need some reassurance.Im awake most of the night.I hope I have wrote this ok I’m not very good at words..Take care...Val.

Hi Mike,

I am sorry for your loss. People who have very similar experience know how we feel. When I read Fiona's reply, I thought, someone has written my story. Scary, but this shows, these things happen to all of us. Only we know how it feels to lose someone with no warning.

Me and my husband were together for eight years. Had plans together. We had our little world and spent our lives side by side from day one. I have also his photos around me. But somehow I am still waiting for him to come home a things to go back to normal. 

I want to join  local group of people and talk to them how they manage to cope with their loss and pain as i am now on my own and scared of loneliness. 

Andrea

Hi Val, 

Thank you for the supportive words. It's good to know we are not alone. I still cannot accept his loss. Have rung the helpline a couple of times. They advised me to join local groups. I have tried herbal calming teas but its not giving much relief. My stomach has been in knots since i lost him and lost a oo of weight in less then two weeks.

Me and my husband were cooking frow fresh every day. Since he's gone, I haven't been cooking at all. Just cannot be bordered. I am trying to keep myself busy. But even when people are arround i still feel lonely. Everything seems to have lost its meaning. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I know i have to move on and keep asking my husband to give me strength. 

Andrea

Hi Val,

This is what i am worried about. That things will never go back to normal. I am on my own in this country. My family lives abroad. Got a few friends but they all have their own lives and problems. 

I cannot get sleep either. And my stomach pain keeps me awake all night. 

I keep asking myself why i never noticed my husband was ill. Now i understand why cancer is called a silent killer 

Andrea

Hi Lavender,

So sorry for your loss,

 I read Fiona reply earlier to you and how they are so true,Its such a emotional painful soul destroying roller coaster we are all on. Only on here the other day I posted I was starting to feel a tiny bit better that i was coping  a bit more. Then bang low and behold not even  days later Im a totally mess. I have realised the problem what I am doing is trying to rush this grieving process if that makes some sort of scene. I just dont want to wake up to this pain or emptiness but I have come to realise I am just fooling myself and I have to let the grief take its course. I have turned into a right hermit my weekend now consists of watching film after film. I dont really want to bother with friends or family I have fell out with so many because all i want to do is talk about my man and they try and change the conversation. Dont get me wrong I needed to get rid of a lot of toxin People out my life the but maybe not some of my family. I need to try and heal myself before I am good for anyone or anything.  I feel when people are around me they are taking my thought process away from my man sounds silly I know. I really am so sorry you are now like the rest of us dealing with this horrendous journey we are all on. I do take comfort in the groups members who have been on this journey longer than us  because they are letting us know and reassuring us what we are feeling is a natural normal process of grieving. Keep posting and sending you a massive viral hug  Jane x

Hi Jane, 

Its good we can talk to each other. Somehow it feels we are closer to each other than people we live near to. We went through same things thats why we understand each others pain, the loneliness that comes with it.

Andrea

So true in what you have just said Andrea x

Aww Andrea don’t blame yourself for not noticing your husband was ill,Cancer is horrible and ruins lives all the time.Alan was losing weight but refused to believe anything was wrong until he got jaundice and then it was to late, we were devastated when doctors said pancreatic cancer,and they could do nothing.it must be harder for you with your family being abroad,and just a few friends.I wish I had Some words that would help, all I can say is this is like a rollercoaster that we don’t want to be on,I find myself on my own most of the time as I don’t have any friends,(didn’t need them when I had Alan) we spent our time together doing our own things.Sleep is one of the hardest things doctor did offer me something to help but I refused, I’m glad I joined this group as I know I can say how I feel on here as we are all going through this horrendous journey.Really hope you can get some sleep,take care...Always here to chat....

Val