Struggling

Thank you all for your replies. I do believe I'm dreading December and all that that means - the one year mark, Christmas, my birthday. My husband died 10 days before I turned 50. Two years ago, before he was diagnosed in Oct. or Nov. with cancer, we had  planned a holiday for December- the flights and car rental had already been paid for and I had booked all the hotels. Needless to say, everything had to be cancelled. I'm going on that trip this year … without him. We were so sure he would get better and we would do it together.

Dutsie, you are right. There are things to be grateful for everyday. I just can't seem to be so positive. What I've lost just seems to matter so much more than anything else. You are so strong! The answers you get from the hospital may help you find closure on certain issues and that is important. 

I can't say I've stopped living. I've travelled a bit since his death, visited a friend I hadn't seen for 20 years and am now applying for a new job as my four-year stint here is coming to an end. I've had some really good moments when I even found myself laughing hilariously but the truth is, none of it seems to have meaning. I suppose all these things are probably helping but, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I'd prefer not to be here. Sorry, this is beginning to sound maudlin. I'll stop here.

You all take care.

Hi all

havent logged in for a while, just felt the need so see how you are all getting on. I've been sort of ok good days & bad, I guess things are getting tough now as it's "this time last year" my poor husband had finished his treatment and all I can think about is how each day he was getting more ill & it's awful. I know you all understand.People tell me the first occasions are hard , I suppose what makes it worse is the long dark nights ahead of us & our wedding anniversary coming up . I do think of you all often & although sad it was kind of a comfort knowing that you are still online supporting each other. 

Take care 

love & hugs 

jojo xxxxxxx

Hi jojo 

It's 9 months in for me and I can honestly say it ain't getting any easier. The first of anything no matter how trivial or small still brings tears to my eye's. I could still break down at any moment if I let myself. I find it almost impossible to talk to family or friends about my wife, because I choke up and can't get the word's out. Even thinking about the word's is enough to make me well up. I can't sleep without taking a pill. Trying to go sleep, my thoughts are of my wife and its impossible to switch off.

Every time I post to group, there are tears in my eyes. This site and everyone in the group is a god send. 

I/we hope the pain begins to ease with time. I want to believe it but I ain't feeling it. 

The lost empty loneliness, is still winning. 

Hi Geoff & cell daddy 

Thankyou for replying to my post. I feel I am quite a bit older than you , not that it matters but what I am saying that I am glad I am retired & don't have to go to work. Sometimes I think maybe if I was working I would have more company , quite honestly I don't have the energy anymore I do go out shopping & visit my family so I am very very lucky I have my health & family but I still miss my husband sooo much , when it came to the clocks turning back he would say " ok never mind we can cuddle up earlier & light our candles" but not this year . I will still close the curtains & light my candles but no more cuddles.Try & remember little things to get you through. 

Take care

love & hugs 

jojo xxxx

Hi jojo 

I was just about to leave the house this afternoon to go to work on Afters and it washed over me. I just wanted to sit down and sob. It took all my strength to get to work, not in pieces. The aching pain of loss has such tight grip, it feels insurmountable most of the time.

It's unreal how many tears we can all shed and for so long. When every routine you shared is blown apart now you are utterly lost in time and space, is how it feels for me. 

Hi jojo and all

I'm 74 jojo and married 50yrs. and thought  I was probably the oldest person currently posting but it seems we may well be of a similar generation?  Yesterday jojo and everyone I did something that I've been waiting for the right time to do.A few months ago I bought a ceramic red rose with a beautiful brass stem and leaves. The heart of this rose unscrew allowing a teaspoon of ones beloved ashes to be poured in before rescrewing and thus resealing. The rose then lays along its length which I replaced in front of my sweethearts photo on the mantle piece where it had rested since purchase. I used to buy my Anne a red rose every Christmas so she now still has her red rose of love with her from me  for every other future Christmas's  to come.  The remainder of my sweethearts ashes have been replaced in its container along side my bed ready for sprinkling over the wheat field which our holiday caravan used to over look. A place my soul mate called her 'Arcadia.' Maybe this will be next spring or summer. My god I love that woman so much at times I feel my very soul is being ripped apart by wild animals.

Light and Love 

Geoff.

Oh, Goeff, I am so happy for you. I know how much that act must have meant for you. I'm sure that somehow you feel she's there with you, which she is. All of our rituals and symbols are so important. For me, that's what keeps our loved ones alive in our hearts. I've decided for the 1st anniversary of my husband's death in Dec., I'm going to drink champagne to celebrate his life and everything he's given me.

Much love to you and everyone.

Hi Geoff & all

That is such a lovely thing to do & so very brave. Some people feel you shouldn't have shrine like memorials but I don't agree. I buy a bunch of flowers every week or less frequently if the last longer !!! & place it by the side of lots of photos of my darling at different stages of our lives together, it helps me to look at him while I am watching TV & chat occasionally silly but I just do it.

As the clocks are going back this evening & I have always hated this time of year but what I Have done this morning is to plant some indoor paper white daffodils in pots. I will then watch them grow & bloom during these horrible long dark evenings somehow I think it will help me look forward to the brighter days to come in the spring they should bloom at Christmas which is going to be just another day to me I will spend the day with family so will make the most of it but you all know what I mean. Looking forward to watching the bulbs grow. 

Take care everyone chat again soon.

love & hugs

jojo xxx

Hi Limbo

Its an awful time coming up to the first Anniversary ours is not until January but it's thinking back isn't it, he was with me for Christmas but it wasn't very nice although he tried so hard. Next milestone is our wedding anniversary in November 38 years so it's a pretty sad time for all of us. Good idea the champagne maybe I may do something like that our wedding anniversary , thanks for the idea

take care all

thinking of you all

love & hugs 

jojo xxx

Hi all,

Been really busy with aged parent's needs.

I am there with you all with the first year, you just seem to be tripping over events that you would do with your other half. We're coming up to Bonfire night and my husband loved that - all the years of being at school in Eire where it doesn't happen!

In our village there was always an organised event and we could see it from the upstairs of our house - we did go a couple of times. When he was in hospital I stood with the camcorder hanging out of the window filming it for him and again when he was in too much pain to stand. 

This year it isn't happening for technical reasons and somehow the absence reminds me that he's gone too. There are no signs advertising it, no one coming around for fire wood. Another piece of that life deleted.

So if you're feeling raw because you are hit by lifes landmarks just hang tight and say to yourself 'Its a slow process but I will get there'

D