Struggling

Thank you so much Val.

Oh!  Our journey is a complete nightmare isn't it Val ?  Just how are we supposed to adjust to a supposed ' new  life.' when the whole reason for our previous existance was to love and care for our darling spouses? I mean what other type of life can replace that? It was our perfect Shangi - La. How can that be ever replaced? And with what? With who? Today I popped into Harrow town to get a 2020 wall calender. Just following on from what my Anne used to buy during each year. I went by bus; couldn't be bothered to drive. I'm more in a zombie state of mind today: Hoping to avoid anyone I might know. I just don't have the energy to talk to them. My survival 'Hail fellow. Well met.'  mask, used in the past,  is slipping off fast. So I can empathise with you Val for what you said in your kind post. Anne loved shopping in Harrow and so many memories came flooding back, like her waving to me across the road if we went into different shops for something. A few tears flowed but the mindless zombie state prevented me from a complete breakdown. Take very good care of your self Val and keep posting as I will. It's by sharing our experiences that we are even able to cope at all. Thank goodness for the internet and our site.

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hello Geoff,

How are you doing? I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. For some reason, the third month was when the horror began. I think before that time we're still very much in shock and, as you say, we're in a zombie-like state and we think we're coping not too badly. It's when the shock starts wearing off that the reality hits us mercilessly. I'm in my 10 month now. I cry less but I still cry everyday and I miss my husband more and more. I stay by myself most of the time, feeling safe in my little bubble. This will not be a smooth ride, for sure. Some days will be slightly better than others. Do what you have to do to maintain your sanity. Go to your doctor, up your meds, whatever, but be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you. 
Thinking of you and  feeling for you.

Hi Limbo 

This afternoon at home I fell apart again. The zombie state gone. I keep crying uncontrolably and asking out loud to nobody - when is Anne coming home?  I can hardly see to write this. I'm a complete mess.again. I upped my meds by half this morning and it hasn't helped. It just created the zombie state which has worn off.  I suppose its because grief isn't a psychological illness therefore there's no medical cure for it. We just have to bear with it hoping we don't go insane. A thought has recently  come to mind out of nowhere is that I'll have the option later on in winter when we get sub zero conditions is drink half a bottle of vodka then lay out in the garden and die of hypothermia. At 74 what have I got to lose. Our children might want me but they dont need me. And It's supposed to be a peaceful way to escape. Having this get out option might help me to cope more strongly with the current and future horror story whichnis my life at the moment.

Love and Light 

Geoff

Geoff

I'm just so sorry to hear that you're thinking of that as an option. I'm not criticising you, I often wonder about the quantity of medication needed. 

I do cry every day. Someone today told me I was chirpy but don't realise how huge an effort to respond in a 'normal' way. It's exhausting.

Wildcat 

My goodness isn't it exhausting?  Thank goodness my mood has lifted somewhat as I've just drunk a couple of pints of middle strength beer.  Strange how for me - and I don't speak for anybody else -  a moderate alcohol intake can do what no medication can. I always know I'm   putting my head  on the chopping block  when I mention the dreaded drink as I risk being moraised to by certain folk  who I'm sure mean what they say with the best of intentions. Bless them. But of course during the day when my survival behaviour needs attending to I can't have a  pint or two and  have to rely on my meds. But as you know they are for depression and anxiety. Not grief attacks. However I still maintain I have my ' Get out clause.'  in the winter if this grief  demon chooses not to get off my shoulder. I'm so sorry you are so sad in your life Wildcat. And you have to put on this chirpy act to others in order to get through the day. I wish I could wave a magic wand for all of us and take this living hell away. Stay safe.

Love and Light 

Geoff

Hi Mark, 

I am still unsure about what I am getting from the counselling sessions. The first ones were really tough and emotional, I left the place in tiers, but people were encouraging me to carry on, so I am not giving up.

I think, this is individual and it also depends, what counsellor you come across. 

She is trying to help me to get into local community groups. These kind of things depend on the specific area though. I like the idea, but the options near me are vague.

I am visiting the counsellor through my work wellness scheme. You may ask your employer to see, whether they have similar option.

I would say try it, if you feel, you need it. Most people say, the benefits of counselling will come later. They cannot undo, what happened, but they should teach us, how to cope and find a new purpose in life. 

Take care

Sending you hugs

Andrea xx

Hi Andrea 

Thanks for that duck. Food for thought. 

Hi all,

Geoff, I'm glad to hear your mood has lifted. Nobody's here to judge and moralise. I know how you feel about just letting go and dying. I've often thought that if I were to find out I had some dreaded disease,i wouldn't take treatment. Of course, I'm not encouraging anybody to take their lives; I'm just saying I understand the despair and the lack of desire to carry on.Like you, Wildcat, someone told me a few months ago how well I was looking and how well I seemed to be coping. We're forced to put on an act, aren't we? Nobody knows the inner turmoil and sadness we're experiencing. I guess that's part of our strength, if we we had to find some positive in all this.
Anyway, hope you all keep well.

Hi Geoff 

We all have these dark thoughts I'm sure. I've had them, and tell myself it's the grief talking. No ones going to judge anyone on here. It's a safe place to share your thoughts, no matter what they are. We're all here for each other. 

One day at a time. 

1.40 been in bed a couple of hours now, no sign of any sleep, so up having a glass of whiskey now. Hopefully that will help. 

Hope you all have a better nights sleep. 

Mike