Struggling

Hi Jeff and all,

This was a beautiful post, Jeff. And I totally understand everything you are saying and find myself in a very similar place, even though my Paul's passing is much longer ago - almost 17 months - but as you say time doesn't matter very much.

Yes it is lonely living on my own but I have gotten used to it and there are aspects of it I even like. And I very much feel that it is still our house. Here I have Paul and his energy and our energy around me. I love being

here.

I don't cry every day either. There is a welling up of tears occasionally but it doesn't feel as raw as I used to be.

I suppose we are getting used to everything, even what we don'rt want to get used to.

It is interesting. Your Anne and my Paul were suffering so much and, as sad as we are that they are gone, we can be happy for them that they are at peace. This is something that has helped me a lot with my feelings of grief. When I think of the fact that Paul, who was in so much pain and suffering and confusion and all of that, is now at peace, or, if you don't believe in a life after death, then you could say that he is simply no loner here and, either way, his suffering has come to an end. And I am happy for him that it has. Yes of course now I have to be on my own without him and it all feels like a struggle and like too much sometimes, but it is worth it if my darling husband no longer has to suffer.

Mel.

Hi Andrea and all 

How have you been this past week . I have not been to bad until today. I'm on night's this week. I got up and spent 2 hour's cleaning through the house with tears in my eyes, thinking who I am cleaning this empty shell of a house for. I'm now sat watching the football, waiting to go to work tonight and take my mind off things for a while.

The waves of grief still crash over me and the point at which the pain will ease, still seems a lifetime away. I hope some of you out there had a better week last week. 

The world may carry on as it must. But ours is still in turmoil /pain /loss. The painful journey continues. 

Hi Mark, 

I am sorry to hear, you had a bad day today. You have done well with cleaning the house. Well done. I know, what you mean by cleaning the empty  shell. I feel like that too. And the effort, we have to put into doing things, feels like moving the whole house. 

I got bad days and less bad days. But haven't got a tier less one. I feel, things are not getting easier. I am locked up in the house at all times before and after work curled up on the sofa. I feel the impact of it now in form of back and hip pain. The friends seem to think, I am OK now as my phone is dead most of the time. Only very rarely someone drops a message, how I am. 

I had a meeting today with my line manager and a HR representative about my working hours as I have been doing phased return to work up till today. I have to start full time from tomorrow, which I am dreading.

I am also seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis. Had five sessions so far. She is trying to get me into local community groups, but it doesn't seem easy. There's a widow group in a town church, but they meet up weekdays only which I cannot do due to work . Also I have tried to join a local walk for wellbeing group, but its also weekdays with very short notice and I have to give a week notice for time off work. 

In the evening I try to keep my mind busy with doing crosswords. Then I go to bed and soon after the anxiety kicks in and cannot rest. Tried to listen to relaxing music last night, but didn't help. 

Its difficult to say, whether the pain we feel, will ever eas.

We have to live with it for now as we have no other choice. 

We have to carry on in life the best we can, that our loved ones would be proud of us. 

I hope, your night shift goes the best it can for you and you manage to get some sleep after work and you will wake up to a better day. 

Take care

Sending you my hugs 

Andrea xx

Hi Andrea 

Do you feel like you're getting any benefit from the counselling sessions. I'm undecided about counselling, but I can sign up for it anytime. Filling the hour's with housework or visiting family or going for a walk, feels like just that. Filling time but not living. It's a strange sensation, without your other half their doesn't seem to be any purpose to life other than getting through each day. The house is just a house, no longer a home.

As you say duck, we do the best we can. But there will always be part of us missing and don't see anything that can ever fill that hole in us. 

1. I think whatever we do the grief will still hit us I work full time and at any time inf the day it hits me very hard I have to hide and try to shake it off home is the same no matter what mood I'm in as soon as I'm home I see her picture and I'm in tears I just can't see an end to this 

Hi Newb 

I've just walked in from my night-shift. Emptyness. I'm struggling with looking at my wife's photos to. When I look at them, it's as if she's still here. Even though she isn't. The longer I look the more tears well up. 

You're right, it's impossible to shake it off. We're broken in half and there is no super glue that can fix us. 

We must endure the torment and hope the passage of time will ease our pain. 

If only it was that easy. 

It seems that way at the moment I'm just starting work kissed my wife pic goodbye 9 hours of fighting back tears when it hits I beginning to hate this life it must get better eventually I hope 

Hi Newb 

We may adjust, in time but we will never be whole again. A shadow of our former selves. 

A permanent ache in our hearts. 

Hi everyone 

Despite my previous post stating those grief attacks seemed to have lessened, perhaps even subsided , yesterday was a living hell. I woke up feeling anxious and then as I rose from my bed  grief hit me again like an express train full in the face.. And It remained like that  all day. I just couldn't go out. Practically the whole day I was shaking with tears and an emotional pain that was ripping me apart. I've never suffered that much trauma before since losing my darling three months ago. I began to see that I truly no longer wanted to live on without my Anne. All my achievements whilst living alone were fruitless and I dreaded the future remaining like this. Coping - then not coping. Up and down. Round and round. Riding on an emotional roller coaster. A living ghost train of fear and uncertainty. Im sure if my house had been close to a high cliff I would have just wandered over to it like a zombe and just let myself topple over. But honestly. I'm not suicidal. I just don't want to live like this any longer. I now pray for a massive heart attack that will end me so fast I'd be dead before hitting the ground. And I thought I was doing so well ! !  And  other people seem to think I'm coping so well. But yesterdays event attacked  my very soul like a dog shaking a toy. I've had counselling many years ago for clinical depression and acute anxiety and although comforting for a while any benefits for me were short lived so I won't be going down that route again. So I'll see how today pans out ( I'm reasonably stable at the moment.) but if I feel this torment coming on  again I'll ask the doctor to up my meds. 

Love and Light

Geoff.

Morning Geoff,so sorry to hear you are going through this horrible time,It’s still early days for you and the road we are on seems never ending,I wish I could say something that would help that road seem easier to walk but I can’t.Maybe seeing the doctor again could help,I gave in and went last week and he has prescribed something for me, I seem to be going backwards and all I seem to be getting at the moment is bad news after bad news,and my anxiety and panic attacks are horrendous this last week,just this morning I was going out but then panic hit me and I couldn’t,I dread my doorbell ringing because then I would have to say why I’m sobbing once Again,Please take care Geoff and hopefully you start to cope a bit better soon.I know we all have to adjust to a different kind of life without the one person we loved the most,but it’s like losing part of ourselves.Somedays I look at Alan’s picture and tell him off for leaving me..I just hope life gets a bit easier for all of us....Take care Geoff thinking of you.....