Struggling

Hi Newb and all 

It's been a while since I posted. I've been hopping back and forth from our site to another just reading   posts and  feeling I could add nothing as grieving folks lives are mostly a mirror image of my own. Then yet again on that other site someone tried to moralise and question a response  I decided to to put up, after long last,   in reply to a lady who'd said her very elderly and usually  tea total  father had started to drink cans of beer again, following the loss of his wife, saying it was the only thing that was giving him some comfort because deep down in side he no longer wanted to carry on. ( Not an unusual feeling I would imagine for most newly bereaved  folk.) So I felt compelled to respond by saying that I too was elderly and  liked a few beers in the evening as do my children in their homes and not to be overly concerned. Being a very elderly man and drinking just beer was unlikely to lead to any serious alcohol problems. This lady thanks me for my understanding BUT  then the moraliser jumped in! !   stating too many of my posts involve the subject of drink and why did I mention it again. It's a long story involving that person and one other regarding a post I once made in the past so I've now deffinatrly left that site for good now. Everyone on this site seems to have a very  balanced view concerning dealing with grief and I get good vibes from you all. THANK YOU.

Love and Light

Geoff.

Hi Geoff, 

I myself don't drink at all. 

But I absolutely agree with you, this site is not about judging each other. 

Its about finding some comfort.

Love and hugs to you all xx

If a few drinks help why not if you go to doctors they give you drugs so what is the difference most of there drugs are addictive

Hi Mel, 

I am sorry to hear, you had a sleepless night. I hope, you get a better sleep tonight.

I few days ago I have started doing crosswords in bed. I do them, until my mind feels tired. I find, it helps me to relax my mind a bit and get better rest. 

Good night to you and to all

Love and hugs xx

Andrea

Hi everyone 

Managed to get through this week off work. It's been really tough trying to fill the empty days. No matter what you do or whom you're with or how you try to fill the hours, there's no enjoyment in any of it as you know someone is missing. I've been getting up as late as I can and thinking how to fill the day. I've done plenty of walking, spent time with my brother and dad and father in law. But I can't enjoy this time because half of me is missing. 

It's 8 months now and I'm still utterly lost to death. Still can't see any future happiness, just work home work. Simply just functioning. The empty silence in the house is still just as deafening as when she died. 

Year's of being a two, how do you adjust to being a one and gain any joy in life again. Every day I think, what's the purpose in my life now. How can you be happy again when the person who made you happy is gone. 

We don't want to be a one, I don't want to be a one. But I am now a one and how long are we going to feel utterly lost and without purpose.

I've not posted all week, so this is just how I'm feeling a the moment folk's. 

Tomorrow is just another joyless day to fill. 

Hi Mark,just read your post,and I know what you mean,you go through the motions day after day but it’s just not the same,someone is missing.I lost Alan to pancreatic cancer exactly three weeks after been diagnosed,that was just over a year ago,yes I put a brave face on and smile when people ask how I am but inside I’m still heartbroken,Just saying goodnight to his picture starts the tears.I want to be saying goodnight to him.been feeling low all night and reading your post just felt I needed to write something.I keep hoping the next day will be better but I know it’s just going to be the same.Long,lonely and so quiet.,Kind thoughts...Val.

Hi Val 

Yes duck, we know tomorrow will be no different. No matter how positive we may try to be. You've put it so well "Long, lonely and so quiet". 

Helpless against the quiet. Battling the quiet is emotionally draining. Hope some day we will feel better duck. A work colleague told me it's taken him two and a half years to find peace after losing his wife.

The thought of being in the wilderness for that long or longer is terrifying, as we don't know how long we will be grieving for and that really hurts. It's grip is so tight.

Feeling for you duck and everyone else. 

Nine months today for me. It's been long but at the same time it feels like yesterday. Nine months - the time it takes to give birth. I certainly haven't given birth to a new me; I'm still a half. A colleague invited some of us to celebrate his birthday tonight. When I looked at the list of people, I realized they were all singles, but I don't consider my myself single. I"m still very much married but that's not how society sees me anymore. Once, somebody spoke to me of my ex-husband. That was so inappropriate.. I didn't get divorced. 

Most people I've met in this situation speak of three years, like your colleague, Mark. Can you imagine? The thing is, no matter how loud we put the TV on or anything else, the quiet is still there, isn't it? It's only one voice we want to hear and that voice is deafeningly quiet.

How much longer must this go on?

Been to wife's ashes today posted my letter to her in bird box burst into tears don't think I can stand 3years to get over it enough to function properly again total pain can't swallow hard to breath hope it improves soon hope everyone has a nearly normal weekend

Hi everyone,

I haven’t been on for a while, I hope you are all as well as you can be, I had a week working at Burghley and then went straight to Scotland for the Solheim Cup. Golf is really long hours, we were onsite from 5.30am and didn’t get back to the hotel til 9pm, I’ve been using work as a complete distraction and literally just staying busy and on my feet all day to tire myself out. I worked for 15 days straight and found it easier to block things out just being on automatic pilot.

it’s been really hard though, Mark and I worked together and he is missing from every part of my day. This week has been really tough, it was 3 months yesterday since he died so maybe that is the trigger but I’ve found it really hard. I’ve not had so much to do at work this week and I’m off this weekend and finding it really hard to settle to anything. I feel jumpy and anxious and really really lonely even in company. I’m on the WAY website (Widowed And Young) and my local group organised a meal out in a local restaurant last night and I forced myself to go. There were 10 of us and all have lost partner/spouse so it was easier than pretending to be ok with friends and family but even then I just wanted Mark to be there so I could catch his eye and know what he was thinking and then when I got home last night to the empty house with just the dog waiting, it made me so sad that I couldn’t have a laugh and a conversation with him about how this new life is so surreal and wrong for me. I just miss him so much. There are so many things that upset me, I can’t listen to music because there are so many songs he liked, I can’t watch any of our favourite TV progs because I feel so sad that he’s not here to just do something normal like watch telly, I am avoiding so many places that we had happy times together because I just can’t handle it. 

I’m also afraid that it is going to get much worse, I know I still have a lot of brain fog, I start to make a cup of tea and go to get milk from the fridge and forget that’s what I’m doing and half an hour later find the cold cup of black tea. When the fog lifts and reality hits I don’t know how I’ll cope. I think maybe that is what is making me anxious, worrying about feeling worse. I genuinely, honestly can’t believe this is my life. I just want my normal, ordinary, everyday companionship and laughter and comfort and security back. I also find myself feeling incredibly sad for Mark, that his life has been left unfinished, he never ever wanted that, he would have fought if he’d had the chance and that makes me so sad too.

I’m having my second counselling session on Tuesday, I don’t know if it will ultimately help but I’m going to stick with it just in case. I wish I had the concentration levels to read a book or do something constructive but I just can’t settle to anything.

Sorry for that outpouring, I know you’ll all identify with bits of it, it’s really not easy is it?

Anyway, hope your Saturdays are bearable whatever you are up to, i’m hoping to get out in the last of the sun as the next thing I’m dreading is the long dark nights and short days of winter!!

Mind yourselves

Fiona x