Struggling

I worked in 3 large organisations, and my school friend was in Personnel at it was called in those days but my last job was in a tiny company and there was no hr so no one to talk to and when it shut up shop that was it I was on my own. Its hard finding paid work if you're over 50 and were once in IT, so many people look at you as if you're going to dismember their computer system.

If you work on large steam boilers perhaps you can find some sort volunteering with something mechanical, you must be a bit of a whizz with machinery!

D 

I used to work in oil and gas rigs but now I feel uncomfortable just sitting in  a cafe having a cup of tea lost all confidence feel such a outsider 

I have social anxiety so anything outside the domain of home is a struggle, I only ever go out to eat when my brother is over because he takes us to all these top notch restaurants which also happen to be tiny time before last we took over the whole restaurant because his children (all adults) came to and there were no tables left. It was lovely food but I could never imagine myself in one of the high street eateries because I would be too anxious. 

But I'm blessed by the fact that the only cafe that I could afford is in Sainsbury which is the only supermarket for the next 7-8 miles so I have a perfect excuse to avoid them.

D

Hi Mike, Mark, Mel, Newb, Deadmeat, Vall66 and All, 

I hope, your days are going the best it can for you all.

I am doing my third week back at work. But i cannot say, i am feeling any better. Tapping away on the computer keyboard keeps my mind occupied, but at the same time i feel the emptiness and numbness inside me. My line manager asked me to turn my 'Out of office' notification off, so I started receiving phone calls, which i didn't want to answer. Just cannot do it yet. I asked my colleagues to answer the phone for me. I fear, she will start pushing at me more and more each day, whereas she has no clue, what we are going through as she has never experienced our loss. 

I joined a bereavement group today for the first time. There was 5 people in the group and three chaplains. Only two of us were new to the group. The three others have been meeting for a year or two. Because this was my very first occasion , i didn't know, what to expect. Basically its similar as this forum. People talk about their losses and feelings. The only difference is, that it is face to face. We all had tiers in our eyes. I will go again next time. Its a shame though, this group meets up once a month only. The good thing is, people can make friends, go out for lunch or coffee. 

There was a 78 year old gentleman, who's lost his wife pretty much same time as i did my husband. He was in tiers and he asked, he came here to find out, how to cope with loneliness. I felt very sorry for him. It was heartbreaking. 

After the bereavement group, i went to a counselling session face to face arranged through my workplace. I will be having 5 more sessions once a week each 50 minutes long. 

Well, whether it willbe beneficial for me , i cannot yet  answer this question. Because this was my first counselling session, the counsellor let me talk most of the time. Telling the counsellor about what brought me there, triggered more tiers. 

I have got my brother, nephew and niece coming from abroad on Thursday. Cannot wait  to have them with me, but dreading already of next Monday, when they will be going back.

Sorry folks, i have been moaning here, i would love to be positive as some people are telling me to. They are just not telling me the most important thing, 'How?' 

I wish us all a good night sleep and a brighter day tomorrow. 

Sending you all my hugs and xx

Andrea x

Hi Newb and all 

Off work this week. Managed to fill today by getting up and doing the housework. Then went for a meal with my brother and father (88).Then a stroll around the local park. But still the thought that my wife is missing, is never out of my head. I can't enjoy the meal or the stroll despite being with my dad and brother.

As you all say, I can't honestly see myself being happy ever again. I hope I'm wrong for all of us.

Time to think of filling tomorrow's empty hour's. 

Take care all. 

Hi Andrea 

You're not moaning duck. Post whatever you feel. We all find it very difficult to be positive. I can only be positive in brief moments as the reality of our loss hits harder than any positive thoughts I may have.

The waves of grief and loss crash over us unrelenting. Being positive will have to wait until the grieving process allows, whenever that time comes. Surviving the now is enough for now, I feel. 

I ignore anyone who tells me to be positive, as they have no idea. 

Take care duck. 

Hi all,

It’s 1.30 in the morning and although I’ve taken my sleeping tablet and even a second one half an hour ago I can’t fall asleep. Each time I lie down my body gets tense and my mind into overdrive, a real panic comes over me. I will have to bring my brother to the airport in 4 hours. I know I’ll be wrecked and I’m dreading the day and the fact of having to go back to my loneliness and my routine. While my brother was here I was able to forget myself for a while... Vut now it’s all coming back. I feel so lost. And what am I going to do if I can’t sleep at all tonight and not tomorrow? Even under normal circumstances I would find it annoying and very surprising not to be able to go to sleep, but even more so now that my sleephas become the only refuge I have, until tonight I could always trust that no matter what else was going on sleep would come. I am beginning to feel a little calmer as I am writing it all to you and although my hope is that all of you are well asleep vy now I think that probably some of you are also awake because sleep won’t come for them either. I feel calm enough now to go to bed again but fear that the panic will come back. Oh guys, this is so hard!All i long for is a vlissful sleep, escape into a calm sleep...

Hello Melaniel,

I hope you are doing better and that you managed to get some sleep. I understand your fears as your brother is leaving.You will feel lonely but I hope you will be abl to fill the hours. Trying reading or watching movies or whatever you enjoyed in normal circumstances. You probably won't be able to concentrate like before but maybe you will be able to lose yourself in the activity for a few minutes at a time.

Thinking of you and hoping you will get through the day.

Hi Mel I know what you mean with the sleep my mind seems to go into overdrive some nights and I can't sleep what ever I do next day I'm a mess and always find myself tearfull then

Hi it's hard to fill in the time I know but I found cleaning the car kills a couple of hours not the best but hope it helps a little